Heaven's Short List

by Julian Ramirez on August 06, 2009

Peter talking to a man at the pearly gates. A long line of people behind them.

Peter: "I'm sorry sir, you're not on the list. You'll have to step aside."

Man: "No, there has to be some kind of mistake."

Peter: "Oh, well then..." Quickly flips through the list. "Nope, still not. Step aside please. Next in line."

Next man starts moving forward. First man stops him.

Man: "Hey, hold on."

Peter sighs.

Peter: "What?"

Man: "What about the time I picked up trash on the highway?"

Peter: "What about it?"

Man: "What do you mean 'What about it?' I think that should count for something."

Peter: "Well it might if you weren't court ordered."

Man: "So?"

Peter: "Sir, it wasn't a genuine act of kindness so it doesn't count...plus, an aweful lot of cursing God that day."

Man: "Well, I still had to give up all my weekends for two years."

Peter: "So you didn't go to church then?"

Man: "Oh, don't do that. I went to bible study."

Peter: "Because you wanted to sleep with the nun!"

Man: "Well I didn't make her leave the covenant afterward. I said, 'no strings attached.'" Peter shakes his head. "Besides, she was a nice lady, wonder what ever happened to her."

Peter: "I don't know. Oh wait..." Looks at the ground and starts waving. "Hey there Sister Helen. How're you doing?"

Man: "Oh, come on!"

God walks out.

God: "Peter, what's the hold up? No one's come in for a while."

Peter: "Well, this guy can't seem to get it through his head that he's not coming in."

God sizes up the man.

God: "Is that so?"

Man: "Who the hell is this guy?!?"

Peter: "That's God! You'd know that if you'd paid attention in bible study."

Man [to God]: "Oh, the guy from the billboard!"

God: "Among other things."

Man: "Big fan."

God: "Hmph..."

Man: "Glad someone with power is finally here." Peter bites his lip. "I was just telling this guy [pointing at Peter] that I helped clean up the streets for two years."

God: "Well, that's very admirable." God slightly smiles and nods his head.

Peter: "Hold on a minute! First of all it was the highway and second it was court ordered."

Man: "Well..."

God: "Wait! What'd he do for that?"

Peter: "He exposed himself at a benefit for unwed teenage mothers."

God: "Ha! That's classic!"

Man chuckles to himself and nods his head.

Peter: "No! What do you mean 'that's classic?' It's disgusting."

God: "Oh lighten up. You know...the irony."

Peter: "Irony?"

God: "Yeah."

Peter: "Well, he also slept with Sister Helen!"

God: "Called it!"

Peter stares blankly at God then turns to the man. Man smirks.

Peter: "Sir, you're going to have to leave."

Man: "But he-"

Peter: "Michael!"

Michael the archangel walks out.

Peter: "Michael, would you please show this man to purgatory?"

Michael: "No problem. Let's go little man."

Michael begins walking him away. Peter takes a deep breath and composes himself.

Peter: "Next in line, ple-"

Peter stops and looks to the side seeing Michael laughing with the man in the distance.

Peter: "What the hell's wrong with this place?"

As he says this he looks up towards God and sees Him smiling and waving goodbye.

Peter [to himself]: "God...damnit."

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