The Game

by Emilia on August 16, 2009

Girls like to play games when all you want is poon. Bad. Coital games are similar to ones you played as a child. Read below to see what type of game she is playing so you can beat her (at her own game). Every healthy relationship has a winner.

Monopoly
If a girl puts pressure on you to buy property, take chances, and pay jewelry tax, she is playing Monopoly. She will monopolize your free time while simultaneously trying to land something better. Beauty contests and bank errors aside, her only true loves are money and free parking. Spare yourself the jail time and waterworks by letting her know you're not her Mr. Moneybags.

Candyland
She flaunts sweet spots suggestive of boundless pleasure, but indulging will only

I taste as sweet as I look

result in a mouth full of plastic. Her boobs, personality, and entire persona are completely fake. Candyland creates the illusion of a consequent free pleasure town, but anyone over the age of 19 knows that doesn't exist. Candyland is the ultimate cocktease. Spank bank the view and save your efforts for something more promising.

Hungry Hungry Hippo
After a couple (shitloads) of drinks and missed opportunities (repeated rejection) you decide to muster up the courage to hit on that girl with a lot of personality (default chubby chasing). You ask her to dance and she replies "me hungry". Her hobbies include buffets and being a stunt double for the moon. She is playing Hungry Hungry Hippo and she wants food. Bad. Courtship tactics should include bacon and cake, and passionate yet lethargic love making will follow. Batter up.

Poker
She is seductive, thrilling, and should come with a surgeons general warning. This smokeshow is a straight up stripper. Vicodin, class struggle and a carb free carcinogen filled diet has perfected her p-p-p-poker face, muh muh mah. Delusions of grandeur will make you believe she actually likes you. She doesn't. She's bluffin with her muffin getting you to go all in.

Guess Who
A social butterfly who's facebook account has more restricted profiles than a pre nose job Paris Hilton. This girl can't tell a story without mentioning 50 people you don't know.
Her: I was talking to Jeremy
You: The bald guy?
Her: No, the one with glasses
You: Does he have a moustache?
Her: Yeah, he's always smiling
You: Was he in the library with the candlestick?
Her: Wrong game.
Win her heart by telling her she's "so L.A." and be impressed with how popular she is. She will be flattered by your interest, and Guess Who becomes Operation.

Twister
You look her way and she coyly looks down and smiles. Then she does a warrior pretzel and says "your move". She is playing Twister, and she wants you. Bad. Do it.