Bill, a paunchy middle-aged man, eats breakfast with his young, thin wife Mandy.
Bill: Maybe I'll finally clean out the rain gutters this weekend.
Mandy: Right, and I'll do cartwheels on the moon!
Laugh track plays. Their wacky neighbor DONALDSON enters to wild applause.
Donaldson: So! I've entered the marathon. You gonna be my training partner, buddy?
Mandy: Nice try. The only running Bill does is towards a cherry pie! (Laugh track plays.) And the only miles he sees are on his belt loop! (Laugh track plays even louder!)
Accordingto Bill, the couple have not had intercourse for several months.
Bill: You know Mandy, that really hurts my feelings. Your incessant digs about my weight are putting a massive strain on an already shaky marriage.
Mandy: Uh...I thought the only thing undergoing a massive strain was the seat of your jeans! (Laugh track plays quietly.)
Bill: Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to hide behind jokes and communicate with passive-aggression?
Mandy: Well excuse me! Do you think I wanted to get married to a chunky, ambitionless plumber? I have a B.A. in art history!
Donaldson: Oooh baby, it's getting serious in here. Bill, buddy, if you change your mind, I'll be on the track. It's gonna be a heck of a 'thon!
Bill: And you, Donaldson. You've been a trusted neighbor and friend for 2 years, plus summer reruns. Yet your antics have gotten my car towed, my boss on the verge of firing me twice, and I had to have my stomach pumped in the episode where I ate your homemade blood sausage. Do you feel no remorse about the major inconveniences you've caused me what feels like every single week?
Donaldson: Uh...
Bill: You two are awful excuses for a wife and friend, and I'm not going to take it anymore!
Mandy: Bill, no!
Donaldson: Don't say it!
Bill: I'm going to do my own spin-off!
Mandy and Donaldson gasp in horror.
Bill: Maybe I'll take a road trip to the Southwest for my dad's funeral and meet lots of quirky characters who become regular customers in the barbeque joint I open in Dad's memory! Or maybe I'll find a daughter I didn't know I had and we'll have to learn to reconnect, and I'll be humorously overprotective when she starts dating! The sky's the limit without you dead-weights.
Donaldson: But...what will we do without you?
Bill:(pointing to Donaldson) Find a group of aging low-level drunks to sit on a bench with you and make sarcastic commentary about your small town, and (pointing to Mandy) try to find love over 40 with a series of wacky speed-dating adventures.
Mandy: Oh Bill. (She hugs him-- it's a tender moment. Sweetly:) You're really fat and lazy.
Laugh track plays loudly and the camera zooms out on the happy group.
by CH Staff
by Hallie Cantor at Brown
by Jason Michaels at University of Illinois
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Recording...
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