A police station interrogation room. JOHNNY, a greasy criminal, sits at a table. DETECTIVE SHEPARD, a spunky young policewoman with everything to prove, is questioning him.SHEPARD: So, you gonna confess, Johnny? Or am I gonna have to bring in my partner? And just so you know, I'm the good cop.
JOHNNY: Bring it on, Shepard, you've got nothing on me.
DETECTIVE BUCKLEY walks in, determined and badass.SHEPARD: By the way, I got you some coffee, Johnny. Coffee here is terrible, thought you'd like some Starbucks. I wasn't sure if you took sugar.
She throws down some sugar packets. Suddenly, Buckley pushes Shepard aside and growls.BUCKLEY: WHY YOU GIVING THIS GUY COFFEE?! Here, Johnny. I have some extra Sunny D on me.
Buckley is wearing a utility belt covered with Sunny D bottles. He takes one off and hands it to Johnny.JOHNNY: Hey, thanks! I haven't had Sunny D in forever!
BUCKLEY: No problem. I always have some.
JOHNNY: Why are you being so freaking awesome to me?
BUCKLEY: It's my job to be this awesome.
JOHNNY: I don't understand. I thought she was the good cop.
SHEPARD: I am. He's the freaking awesome cop.
JOHNNY: What?
BUCKLEY: Oh, do you not understand, MOTHERFUCKER?! Here's an fuckin' example. Shepard!
Shepard steps up.SHEPARD: I think this guy deserves some candy.
She takes a Reeses' peanut butter cup and places it on the interrogation table.SHEPARD: What do you think, Buckley?
BUCKLEY: I think he deserves MORE CANDY.
Buckley empties his pockets to reveal a shitload of awesome candy.JOHNNY: Ah, awesome! WHOA, Krackel! I love Krackel!
BUCKLEY: Me too. It's way better than Crunch bars. READY TO CONFESS, YOU HANDSOME HUNK OF MAN?!
JOHNNY: Uh, I don't know -
SHEPARD: Well, maybe this will change your mind. I can get you immunity and placement in the Witness Protection Program if you agree to testify in court against your bosses.
JOHNNY: I got nothing to tell.
BUCKLEY: Oh, really? Well, how would you like a pony?!
JOHNNY: I don't... what? Is that code for something?
BUCKLEY: Nope, I'm just gonna give you a fucking pony. See that pony outside the window there? It's fuckin' yours.
There is a pony outside the window. It is really cute.JOHNNY: I always wanted a pony!
BUCKLEY: His name is Meth Lab Two Hands, because I rescued him from a Meth Lab and nursed him back to health with my own two hands.
JOHNNY: Wow, that's really freaking awesome, dude.
BUCKLEY: DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?!
He turns away, tortured by his own awesomeness. Shepard takes over.SHEPARD: So, whaddaya say?
JOHNNY: Well, basically, the longer I hold out, the more freaking awesome he gets, right?
SHEPARD: That is his job.
JOHNNY: That's kind of a flawed idea.
SHEPARD: It is, yes.
--
Special Thanks to Jenny Jaffe and HammerkatzNYU.
Recording...
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