The Morning After Nip/Tuck

Teddy Rose tries to wake Sean up, but he's unresponsive. Shecalls Christian into the room and he's like, "OMG did the Carver get himagain?" and she's like, "No, I think he took some evil sleeping pills that Igave him," and Christian's like, "It's always something with you crazy kids.Hold his head back while I pump his stomach with this stomach pump that I justghetto-rigged." And she's like, "Well I guess he's alive now. Hrm."

Teddy Rose learns from Christian that Sean is basicallypenniless, and she reveals that she proposed to him, which is probably whatmade him go off the deep end and try to Colleen Rose himself with sleepingpills. Teddy Rose offers to machine gun him to death with her leg, next time.

Christian tells Sean that he'll handle the imminent consult,because Sean is suicidal and almost as useless as when he was faking lower-bodyparalysis. The consult is with Jared, aka "Enigma," (an apparent American Idolaudition reject) whose parents are not very pleased with his choice to cover hisbody in scars. He has crosses and 666s and whatnot all over himself. On theback of his head, he has a tattoo of a skull. Enigma is totally not enigmaticat all, you guys. He probably spent a lot of time masturbating to MarilynManson, which is something that he and Teddy Rose have in common. Enigma sayshe wishes he would have been aborted. His mom claims that he's been "attractedto the darker part of his personality" since he was a child. So, I'm thinkingsome sort of Jekyll and Hyde scenario with twins went on, probably.

Liz is taking inventory of Christian's boat with theassistance of a nerdy-chic homosexual young man. Christian claims to have notrecognized Liz, almost definitely because she is wearing sunglasses. Lizdoesn't even like boats, so she's going to burn it. That seems awfully wastefuland Viking-y. She plans to throw a party for her lesbians first, so Christianpushes her into the water. Liz reacts poorly to this, obviously, and threatensto leave Christian with nothing but his penis. Christian's like, "How can I usethat to get another boat...?"

Kimber is doing a bad job of electrolysis in a salon full ofAsian people somewhere. Christian visits her to badmouth her place of work andoffer to make pornography with her. Specifically, he offers to fuck a lot ofgirls with a bag over his head so no one will recognize him, which is everyguy's dream job today like being a pilot was every guy's dream job in the1960s. Kimber casually mentions that she was recently offered the opportunityto launch her own sex toy line. She's like, "but I don't really want to, so..."and Christian says, "I'll do it. I'll make a mold of my dick" before she evenfinishes the sentence. Christian expounds upon his penis's virtues while Kimberrolls her eyes. Christian kisses her and is like, "Seriously, think about it.People would be able to make my dildo have sex with your sex doll. It would beadorable. Like a complete play set," and Kimber's like, "Gah maybe."

Meanwhile, Sean lays in bed at night, afraid of his ceilingfan. In response, he unmakes his bed in a fit of rebellion. The next morning,he's all, "Hey Teddy, why didn't you come over last night?" and she's like, "Iwas busy coming all over somewhere else," and looks pretty much exactly like ifMatt had a baby with Alyssa Milano. She argues with Sean because he is brokeand threatens to break their engagement, which Sean wasn't really even thatenthused about in the first place, so good threat. NOT.

Later, Sean sits on the edge of his bed, then stares all bleary-eyedinto a fisheye lens. He goes to the bathroom to look for sleeping pills somemore, or some kind of medicine, or something, and pours a whole shit ton oflittle white pills into his hand. It's Christian's bathroom, I guess, so it'sprobably old breast cancer medicine? Christian bitches out Sean for beingalmost as bad as Matt, and he takes the pills back and threatens to have Sean'smedical license revoked if Christian catches him trying to eat 14 grams ofrandom prescription medicine again.

Christian bitches about Liz assisting on a surgery, and Lizis like, "Well, Sean and Teddy broke up, so," and Christian is like, "Maybe weshouldn't have been dating both of our anesthesiologists." Donny Darko music(unfortunately apparently not the Adam Lambert version) is the soundtrack forEnigma's scar removal. Man, remember when the people getting surgery wereactually part of the show? Also they could not do all this work in one sitting.

Kimber prepares to make a mold of Christian's wiener. Shehands him some Vaseline and tells him to make himself hard. He's like, "Can'tyou give me head?" which is I assume the way Christian responds to women 95% ofthe time anyway. He sticks his face in Kimber's boobs, and pushes her off ofhim and demands that she slop the dildo mold goop on his "woody," becauseChristian uses stupid words, like he's a radio deejay or something.

Sean talks to some Avril-Lavigne-in-a-90s-grunge-band chickin an all-night diner. The girl knows everyone's life story, and her fiancéejust dumped her - "hard"-and her name is Vivian. The waitress is positivelymonstrous and chides Vivian for dissuading customers from eating the food.Sean's all, "But I did want to eat," and Vivian's like, "Yeah, but I know whatyou're really hungry for," and there's a 15-second pause during which everyonevery deliberately thinks the word "pussy" several times, and then she says:"Sleep." And you're like, "Oh, okay," and then she's like, "Come with me andI'll show you where you can get some," which sounds like she's whoremongering,but really I think she's going to sell him drugs. Or turn him into a vampire.

Elsewhere, Dr. Mario Lopez helps Kimber and Christian withthe dildo-mold-removal surgery. He takes the mold off Christian's dick andimplies that it is nothing to fuss over, and Christian scoffs, "Oh, like you'veseen bigger," which is pretty smug talk for someone who's clearly compensatingfor something by spray tanning constantly.

The Queen of the Damned and Sean hang out in an emergencyroom because this chick is weird, because only weird people are ever onNip/Tuck. She has Sean finger her while he tells her -- in medical jargon --about the injuries of everyone in the ER. So, that's pretty not slutty orcreepy or dangerous from a hygienic standpoint, I guess. She likes to go to theER and stick forks into her forearm so that she can get painkillers. ...That's apretty good racket, actually. Sean alleges to be appalled, but only because ofhow fake the color of her blood looks against her stupid corpse skin.

Later, she's leaving the hospital and Sean confronts her anddemands half the pills. He threatens to reveal her as a scam artist if shedoesn't. "I think I might've hit a nerve when I forked myself," Vivian says.Sean sees that the stitching is bad. She agrees to trade him half of the pillsfor a proper stitching-up. Then Sean is in a bed, potentially falling asleep.

The next morning Enigma's bandages come off. He says that hethinks "Enigma's dead" and that his "name's Jared," and that he feels lighter,or some such bullshit, but I have a feeling that he's just plotting somethingsuper awesome, and if I know the way Nip/Tuck likes to tie things together,that something is suicide via drug overdose.

Sean quarrels with Teddy Rose in surgery. She goes to theoffice to get the ring back and finds Sean's insurance policy, which is 5million buckaroos. Through raising her eyebrows, she visibly indicates thatthis sum is a sufficient one for which to commit Seanicide, and plants a seedof ostensible reconciliation by acting sad about the break-up in front of Liz.

In perhaps the Best Instance of Literal Prop Used toSymbolize Conflict these past three seasons, Liz swipes Christian's "cock" fromKimber while she's walking around the office, claiming that she owns it becauseshe owns half of everything that is Christian's; but more importantly, shetells Kimber how terrible Christian is and how Kimber and Liz (well, definitelyLiz, maybe Kimber) deserve better. Kimber's like, "What's better than Christan'spenis? Dr. Mario Lopez's penis?"

Speaking of, Dr. Mario Lopez is flexing his pecs in themirror when Christian comes into the bathroom to pee. He unzips his pants andflops his penis literally into the water in the urinal, obviously, because itwould be reasonable for a human to have a penis that size. Christian is like,"So you wanna fuck, or?" and Dr. Mario Lopez just smiles disarmingly.

Outside of the bathroom, Kimber has good news that the dildois selling great, and Christian's like, ":D" and Kimber's like, "actually, it'sDr. Mario Lopez's penis," and Dr. Mario Lopez is like, ":p" and Christian'slike, "L"

Elsewhere, Sean has sex with Vivianpire. It's really hotwhere they are, I guess, so she starts putting ice on his chest because shesubscribes to Cosmopolitan. Sean asks if she has any oxy left, and she offersto stab him to get some more. He's like, "Um, how about without stabbinganyone?" and she's like, "I need it! I am a vampire! I hate my parents!" Hemakes the mistake of calling her a rebound, and she orders him to stab himselfbecause he "owes it to her." He moves to leave, and she freaks out and begs himto stay with her, and he's like, "Nah, you'll start hallucinating - haven't youseen The Machinist?" and then she stabs him in the thigh and says, "I think Ilove you," like some sort of long-lost Partridge Family black sheep.

Sean stitches himself up in the ER and walks into thewaiting room to see Vivian getting "fingered" by a janitor. He leaves the oxyon the counter while silently wondering whether the janitor also knows medicalnames for everyone's injuries.

Christian's watching TV and the news says that Jaredmurdered his parents and then killed himself. I knew it! Sort of. Liz comesover and turns off the news. Liz says that Jared showed her how bad life can beif one lives in one's anger, and that she's dropping the lawsuit. Christian'slike, "You're jerking me off, right?" (his response to women the other 5% of hetime), and Liz is like, "Seriously, I'm over it. I can't be friends with you,and I am potentially going to do something horrible because the music is scary.Peace."

Next time: Mario Lopez is in love withKimber. Sean and Teddy Rose got married, but then Teddy gets recognized asDixie, her alter ego from last season when she killed that Southern gentleman.The plot thickens!