Colleges around the country are suiting up for the most physically demanding sports season of the year. It's not your pussy intramural softball championship or the 500 hundred man orgy attempted by a "Huge Fuckin' Slut"� (one of the sluts left off Josh's Slut Analysis); but rather it's the inebriation marathon that follows the end of finals week.

You're probably finding yourself in transition between the last days of getting fall-down-drunk with your college friends, to going home and getting fall-down-drunk with your hometown friends. This can put some serious strain on your alcohol saturated liver. But I'm not here to suggest "pacing"� yourself, because let's get serious; it's college. I'm simply going to lay out a few "sportsman-like"� party regulations.

Beer pong refs are not welcome. Listen, if I get called on "leaning"� or "elbows"� one more time I'm going to go Bertuzzi on someone. If I wanted rules I'd start playing chess. I play beer pong to drink my face off my body. The only stripes I want to see people wearing are ones drawn on with a Sharpie marker.

Cheer on your guys. When someone's out there pounding beer after successive beer they need motivation. That's where the crowd comes in. Make it your responsibility to be the guy who initiates a cricket-like chant of "chug, chug, chug, chug"�. Also recommended is randomly screaming "Spring Break 2001, who remembers?!"� or simply "College!"� repeatedly. Everyone loves these stentorian all-stars; especially girls. Which reminds me: girls, flashing boobs is great motivator too (particularly when posted on this site).

The High School hook-up violation This isn't just a party foul; it's a party technical. Granted it is funny. Who doesn't get a kick from telling friends "Last night I got with a junior...IN HIGH SCHOOL!"� Though, the humor lies in the fact you're a sex offender. Put the high five away R. Kelly.

Hold the Sports Center recap. Recently upon awaking after a bout with Bacchus, my entire hall felt it necessary to alert me to the fact that I was "so wasted last night."� Thanks guys, I obviously wasn't tipped off by the megaton of beer I ingested, my vomit stained clothing or the ringing hangover I'm dealing with. Leave the highlights to your school paper's police blotter.

The keg slam drunk. Like scoring a touchdown or touching a boob, tapping a keg is something to celebrate. Fittingly you have to flaunt your accomplishment as if it were a Starter jacket in the early 90s. There are various ways to throw a keg. Some prefer the two-handed-monster-dunk while others utilize the shot-put throw approach. Whatever you choose, send that ale-pale heavenward and extra points if it lands on a nerd bomber (like a scene from a sweet 80s movie).

Seniors: Go for the glory For most college kids this might be your forth and final season of inebriation week. If it's your fifth or sixth season you probably weren't able to read this far, so I'm not even going to bother with you. Regardless, dudes: this is your last chance to slug beers in the non-real world dimension, where drinking from a funnel won't land you in a meeting. If you're not face down in a toilet bowl by the end of the night, you didn't give it your best. Pussy. Go cry to your intramural softball team.

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