Bill Gates has a net worth of $29 Billion. The guy could make Paris Hilton wear a dog collar 24/7, and she comes from money. Actually, I've seen the video, she comes from other stuff as well. William Henry Gates III is a mystery to the American public. We know he founded Microsoft. We also know he owns a mansion smarter than Keanu Reeves. But how much do we know about Bill as a person? And why the hell isn't he making Paris wear that collar?

I don't trust Bill Gates. He makes no sense. The guy knows how to cheat the system out of millions but he couldn't get a college diploma? What's the deal with that? Bill has enough money to spend a night with Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Simpson in what would be the best orgy ever. Not only that, he could have it televised live uncensored for the world to enjoy. Oh but he's much too busy being a philanthropist for that! That's why I think Bill Gates is impotent, because he's got billions of dollars and we never see him at the Playboy mansion. The guy's idea of a good time is playing solitaire while having his ass licked by a robotic toilet. He doesn't go on benders with Charlie Sheen or Russell Crowe and god forbid he be involved in a child-molestation lawsuit!

Ever been asked what you'd do if you were a millionaire? Everyone's got a stock lame answer. "I'd buy a mansion and one of those Mini Coopers! I'd even splurge on a 3 car garage (gasp)!"� That answer is bullshit. What we'd really do if we got stinking rich is move to Brunei and marry like 9 centerfolds. That's why Hugh Hefner is cooler than Bill Gates. He's not nearly as wealthy, but he's living the dream of every man with a healthy libido. Billy boy can't even get a decent haircut. Did he sell that to the devil too?

Bill Gates is the richest man in the U.S. and he doesn't have his own court jester. He doesn't own a jetpack. He doesn't have a clone. He doesn't have his own nuclear sub. He doesn't have his own army or even his own island. He's got the money to buy his way out of any legal trouble, but he hasn't had Ashton Kutcher jettisoned into space. And that asshole Billy has the gall to call himself a philanthropist!

Homeless people don't want handouts, they want hand-jobs from Mandy Moore. Bill Gates is depriving himself and more importantly the rest of the world by not doing anything cool with his money. Seriously, what's the point of being filthy fucking rich if you aren't willing to become a demigod above all legal and moral standards? The rich have an obligation to behave like the spoiled royalty that they are, so that housewives and the elderly have something to read about in the tabloids. The only possible explanation for his faith in a wedding vow is that Mr. Gates is impotent. If I were his P.R. guy, the first thing I would recommend is a 2-hour marriage in Las Vegas to Jenna Haze followed by a wardrobe malfunction in front of an elementary school.

Chaster's got a new column out today called "The Real American Pastime." He's our newest writer, so be sure to let him know what you think.

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