I've been shocked and appalled at the lack of educational content here on College Humor. So I'm here to turn things around by telling you about an important founding-father of modern Physics, Isaac Newton. Sir Isaac Newton was born on January 4th, 1643. OK, enough learning for now, time to go off on a related tangent. If you're even a little bit awesome, you've probably done a beer bong before. I have. Personally, I think it's the most useful tool in the world next to the nose game. As such a valuable element of college society and sooo sooo awesome, it deserves respect. Most of you should be familiar with the beer bong, but since this is an educational update, I'll enlighten the rest of you.

Sometime in late 1999, God invented beer. Or rather, I entered high school and found beer already existing. And it was good, obviously. Actually, to tell the shameful truth, I didn't drink in high school until my Senior year. I regret this, I really do. But I think I've made up for it, because since then I have consumed at least fourteen million beers in twenty-two unique states and have played over thirty-seven thousand games of Beer Pong (which is way more than Amir's equally impressive, albeit a bit loser-ish, zero). And that was just tonight. Anyway, slightly after that, I met the beer bong. We fell madly in love and tied the knot in June, 2002. Unfortunately, my mother disapproved of the marriage and threw away my wife a week later.

You're probably wondering what the hell this has to do with Isaac Newton. Hold on, I'm getting to that. Now, the beer bong is separated into two important parts - the "funnel" and the "tube." Both must be present in order to have a fully functional beer bong, otherwise, you'd only have a "funnel" or a "tube," and those are completely useless unless you're in the beer bong making industry. It's designed to hold an entire beer at once and then, on your command, deposit it quickly in your stomach. Test results show that the standard beer bong can actually hold a full 3 beers, but different tests show that my stomach cannot. Beer in your lungs hurts by the way, I don't suggest you try it.

Professional drinkers can complete an entire beer bong in a single gulp, while novices may require as many as choking and spilling their beer everywhere and getting laughed at by all their friends. Either way, it's awesome.

So why is the bong so much faster and cooler than the more standard boring way of drinking? It's simple really. So simple in fact, that I'll let my friend Isaac explain it to you. "There exists an attractive force (gravity) between any two particles of matter (beer and you)." Now, I'm no physicist and I don't know any because I care what people think about me, but I think that's enough to give Mr. Newton full credit for the creation of the beer bong. Thanks dude, you rock hardcore. We should party some time.

Proper use of the bong is something that needs to be demonstrated before someone new tries for the first time. There are many different styles, only some of which I'll go over. The easiest one for a newcomer would have to be "the standing assisted bong." This involves a second person preparing the bong for you and also lifting the funnel into the air, allowing the stream of beer to flow unobstructed through the tube portion and into your mouth. A slight variation of this, demonstrated by Will Farrell's Frank "the Tank" character in Old School, is the "kneeling assisted bong." This is where a second person prepares the bong and holds it for you, while you kneel down, lowering the funnel. By now it should be clear that "˜beering' occurs whenever the open end of the tube is below the beer-line of the funnel. With this knowledge, you should be ready to try the most preferred way of usage, the "solo bong." Now it's just a matter of practicing to increase your intake speed. See, told you this could be instructive.

A close cousin of the beer bong is "the shotgun." Contrary to popular belief, the shotgun was invented many years before the bong, which I think should be obvious since the need for speed drinking existed long before the funnel came to be. Basically, you lay a beer on it's side and puncture a hole near the bottom. Then you place your mouth on the hole and lift the can while opening the tab. This emulates the gravital goodness of the beer bong when you don't happen to have one around. Some people get confused why it's called "shotgun." Good thing I'm here. You see, in frontier times, the person sitting to the right of the driver on stagecoaches carried a shotgun to protect the wagon from Indians and robbers. He was also an alcoholic and invented this method.

This wraps up the most educational update of all time. Word even says it has a Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level of 8.2 with only 10% passive sentences. That's better than most of my term papers. So now go bong some beers and forget everything I said. This was never supposed to be about learning.

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