My roommate wears a skirt. I live with a guy.

If you're still reading, I assume that it's because of that transvestite fetish you've got. Get your jollies somewhere else, sick-o. Thankfully, it is not the case that he dresses full-out as a chick. If any woman had as much hair as he did, she would be required to jump head-first into a boiling vat of Nair and commit ritualistic suicide to try to regain some of her family honor.

My roommate wears a kilt, the Scottish skirt-for-dudes. The Scottish, by the way, were also responsible for the following blunders: haggis, Flogging Molly, and making love to sheep. Thanks to my Roommate, I can safely say that kilts have also made the list of abominations that the Scottish provided us. I propose we trade all of the aforementioned cultural faux pas for the one indisputable boon that the Scottish have brought us, whiskey. I guess there's really no way to have whiskey and not have sheep fucking, though.

Kilty (his wardrobe inspired moniker) is a fraction Scottish. He isn't trying to represent for his ethnicity, though. In fact, he is really only Scottish by blood. He doesn't know how to play a bag-pipe or any other bag- instrument. We doesn't carry around a giant throwing log, "just in case"�. He is no hooligan. He can't hold his liquor (or, at least, he doesn't expel the offending beverage in the most bad-ass way possible). In fact, the only thing remotely Scottish about him is his tendency towards Sean Connery imitations, an aspect that I conclude to be a Scottish trait based on Sick Boy from Trainspotting. Now that I think about it, my perceptions of the Scottish character may be a bit askew.

Instead of claiming some ethnic or cultural reasons for his attire, he claims that it has to do with a concept he calls "freedom"�. I think that's bullshit, my one outstanding reason being that I'm more "free"� to sit on a bar stool in front of people than he is. But he stands steadfastly to freedom. Case in point: his view on underwear. If you're not wearing pants because they're constricting, why would you wear undergarments? Thus is his sick, unfortunate logic.

Too many times has the product of his reasoning reared its ugly head, or perhaps I should say his ugly head. Modesty does not exist with Kilty. Everyone in my dorm, without exception, has had the displeasure of seeing his unmentionables, if only they could remain that way. In the beginning of fall quarter, one of the guys on the floor complained that he had "seen [his] cock and balls seven times!"� I can cite the source if I must.

I have a hypothesis that many consider to be more plausible than any other reason. Instead of any ethnic alignment or personal philosophy, Kilty's only reason for his attire is to be flamboyant. He was part of an acting troupe during high school as well as the choir. I'm not trying to point to his high school life, because we are all allowed to reinvent as soon as we step out of our homes and onto our campuses. Instead, I look toward those aspects of his past to find a reason for his twirling.

That's right. He twirls. In a skirt. Without underwear.

On second though, I guess he is a transvestite. Go ahead and jerk off, sick-o.