I have just returned from a three week trip to China. Due to the laws of physics, habeas corpus, daylight savings, and the fact that China is half way around the world, there is a sweet 12 hour time change between here and our Most Favored Nation. As you can imagine, the jet lag was a shiesty bitch and I had a lot of free time to kill in the wee hours of the morn and silly me, I forgot to pack my vibrator. What's a gal to do? After drunk dialing everyone I knew in China (which was just my parents in the next room over) and going through all of the chopstick craft projects that I could think of, I finally broke down and popped some Simply Sleep pills. That's when these deep thoughts just came to me. I started thinking about the important shit in life, you know, like the kind of things that stuff like college and a social life prevent us from focusing on. So, go ahead, read on, and discover the decisions, ideas, and just general things-that-make-you-go-hmmm that I came up with when I had nothing to entertain me but the buzz of over-the-counter sleeping pills and my inner-monologue.

I do not like Chinese food as much as I thought. Seriously, if only I had a video camera, I could have made my own documentary, "Super Size Me in China: I'm Roving It!"� Picture me as Morgan Spurlock, but instead of Big Macs, moo shu dog.

Entering the Dairy Queen as a speed dial on my cell phone was definitely one of the best moves of my life. It's up there with that time I decided to go to college.

I realized that the stares I get whilst walking down the streets of New York are not because my padded bra is finally getting me the attention that the advertisement guaranteed. It's just because I'm normally in such a rush in the mornings that I forget to change out of my "Irritable Bowel Syndrome Sufferer: Fart is Art"� sleeping shirt.

At first I thought that I was helping the anorexic girl at work with her self-esteem issues. But now I realize that serenading her with Sir Mix A Lot's Baby Got Back during our morning wait for the elevator and then grinding up on her when she pretended she couldn't hear me is probably the reason that she now takes the stairs.

The fad in the nineties of shaving the under-part of your pony tail was less of a trend and more of an indication of which girls in my sixth grade class would turn into raging bull dykes by the age of 22. On a related note"¦Marissa Kilkus, congrats on coming out. I feel privileged to be one of the 74 people you included in your mass e-mail subjected "My new cell number and gender preference =P"�

And finally, this last one did not actually come to me during my Asian meditation sessions. I'd just like to give a shout out to the guy at the bar on 31st who bought me a vodka tonic my first night back in the city. I'm sorry I didn't stay for longer to talk to you. It's just that I couldn't hear you over your acne. But, thanks for the drink. And I'm sure the guy that I did hook up with that night would like to thank you for your contribution to my drunken promiscuity.

That about raps it up. But for serious, it's still the beginning of the year. So stop reading and start hooking up with someone who you can share awkward encounters with all academic year long.

Matt has a new column out called "How Matt Pissed Off Everybody"

Check out these hotlinks. They're almost as fun as hot girls!*not really.