I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am every man's dream woman; it only takes two beers to get me drunk and, unlike most women, it doesn't take much to get me going. A guy needs only to look in my direction if he wants to rile me up and finish me off. It's amazing that I am still single. The problem with such perks comes with the reputation that spreads. I am known as "Quickie McClimax"� or "Anyone-Can-Get-Her-Off Girl"� amongst some of my peers and one-night bedmates. Now, I don't really care what people think of me or say about me, but it becomes a problem when a reputation like this precedes me.

What do I do when a guy can't get me off? How do I let him down easy without crushing him forever?

That's easy: I am forced to fake it.

Before you men start jumping down my throat and getting your boxers in a bunch, let me explain. I know you all hate it when a woman resorts to faking it, but there is a lot that goes into that decision that you just don't understand. I can't speak for all women, but I can speak for most of them when I lay out the reasoning here:

1) We don't want you to feel inadequate: My friend Ryan* (names have been changed) thinks this is the worst excuse ever. He claims that he would rather a girl tell him what to do than fake it. Well Ryan, unfortunately most guys are not like you, or most girls are not willing to sit up in bed with a chalkboard and map in order to get off. Needless to say, it kind of ruins the moment. The truth is most women are not as easy to please as I am, and it has nothing to do with the guy. If some guy goes down on a girl three or four times and still can't get her off he may begin to think he is bad in bed and therefore unworthy of life when it is really just her difficult vagina. If she fakes it, however, she makes the guy feel better about himself, which will make this late-night relationship a much happier one. If you think about it faking it is a real compliment; it means that the woman really cares about you and your feelings.

2) It still feels fabulous: We are not men - things still feel pretty damn good regardless if we finish. I know a girl who can never get off from sex, but does that deter her? NO! She is the biggest sex fiend I know. Does it deter her man? NO! He is getting his (on a daily basis), and that is all he really cares about.

3) It is God-awful and it needs to stop: Now, here is a problem I can relate to. It is a situation like this that makes my gift a difficult one to have. When a guy knows that it doesn't take much to please me he expects it to happen. When it doesn't happen, he thinks something is wrong with him. He is right. I am forced to fake it in order to save his ego (see #1) in addition to making him stop whatever horrible thing he is doing in order to walk out of there pain free. Trying to sit up and explain what is going wrong and how to make it better would be futile and a waste of my time; why risk even more pain and suffering when I can merely fake it, kick the kid out and finish up on my own?

So you see, men. There is a reason behind all those exaggerated moans, oh-Gods, and Hail Marys. We don't do it for our own kicks and, trust me, we would rather not have to do it at all, but sometimes (very rarely for me) it's our only choice.

Eric's got a new column out, so rock that, if ya would. Thanks for MagsForCheap (Maxim + Stuff = $10 guys) for sponsoring this update. They must like orgasms.

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