I woke up on January first between a pile of vomit (Mine? Probably) and a rather attractive gentleman"¦well, from what I could see through my dried out contacts. Clearly I wasn't living the salad eating, relationship building, goal reaching life I swore I would commence on January first. So, I've decided to label January my transition month and start my resolutions in February. Buckle your seatbelts and strap on your strap-ons because here they come, my resolutions and goals for the last 334 days of 2005.

I'm going to stop yelling "GOTCHA"� when I take a boy home and at second base, he realizes that I'm wearing a way padded bra. The abject disappointment in his eyes when he realizes that all I've got to offer is my personality is just too humiliating.

I'm going to correspond more through Conversation Hearts. This rare combination of delicacy and dialogue has been seriously under-rated in terms of communication potential. For example, in the work place, I'd hand my boss a bag of "I need a raise if I'm going to make rent this month"� hearts. For my commute on the subway, there's the "Stop pushing"� heart. And in the bars, I pass out handfuls of "You need a breath mint and a better personality"� hearts.

I'm going stop trying to sleep my way to the top. The ratio of trips to the abortion clinic to actual job advancement has just not proved profitable enough. Maybe I'll tone it down to handjobbing my way to the top.

I'm going to do more community service, like get a little sister from the New York public school system. I could teach her about making it as a single woman in the city. You know, the important life skills, like long division. Or just basic facts, like cleavage can replace a college degree in most work environments. And life lessons, like identity theft is a girl's best friend.

I'm going to start taking a stand for what I believe in. That's right, I'm leading the crusade against self-flushing toilets. They are the single biggest waste of technology in this country. Come on my fellow Americans, wouldn't this technology have been better spent on creating another internet? Or curing the hang over runs? Or finally kicking Rhode Island out of the Union? That's right, Rhode Island, you're not wanted. Get out of here while the getting's good.

Well cowboys, that's it. These next 11 months are going to be huge for me and I hope for you too. Now stop wasting time and get back to puffy painting that Valentine for the girl who sits next to you in econ. Dude, she's totally into you and your plan to serenade her with Savage Garden's "Truly Madly Deeply"� on V-Day is going to go over big time.