*Hockey would be more fun to watch if it was played by retarded kids.

*Girls, you can be ugly, you can be prude, but you can't be both.

*Michael Jackson has bad taste in boys.

*The calendar is divided into months that have between 28 and 31days. Girls have period cycles that happen to vary between 28 and 31 days. Hmmm. Good thinking Calendar inventor. Easier to keep track.

*Do you think when God came into Mary, he yelled Jesus Christ and that's how he got his name?

*Michael Jackson vs. Saddam Hussein in a no holds barred cage match. Who says justice can't be fun. Just an idea.

* Are we picking our wars reverse alphabetically starting with I? Are we going to skip Hungary?

*Is there a hair club for bald eagles?

*Christina Aguilera got engaged before I did. That makes me feel dirty.

*If you bitched about how dumb FOX was for canceling Family Guy, you better be watching it now.

*I thought Jay-Z retired.

*What are male nipples for?

*Can you get carpal tunnel syndrome from masturbating?

*If you want to freak a bank teller out, just tell them that you'll shoot them if they don't give you all the money in their drawer.

*What if Gwyneth Paltrow's kid hates apples?

*I can't wait for "Desperate Househusbands: Miami"�

*It's not delivery, it's Digiorno. Unless it is delivery.

*A business idea: If you sell pot, why don't you also sell donuts?

Scott Richardson is the head writer and executive producer of National Lampoon's "The Gleib Show."