Courtship - it's like currency for sex. The swooning, the movie/dinner dates, the gifts, the canoodling - all of this is used as bartering fodder in exchange for sex with the people who aren't too drunk and lonely to give it out for free. However, as is the case with all kinds of currency, there are people out there willing to steal hard-earned romantic sentiments without ponying up the ass-play in return - leaving you broke, bored and sexually unsatisfied while they make intimate with the misunderstood, artistic kid down the hall that plays guitar. These people are guilty "pseudoing."�

Essentially, pseudoing, when broken down to its basics, involves taking in an individual, putting them through all the rigors of dating (the talks, the cuddles, the Gilmore Girls marathons) without providing any genital recognition in return. Basically, it's like using someone to give you all the nice stuff involved with dating without any sex for their trouble. In most cases, the person doing the pseudoing (the pseudoer, -- usually, but not always, a girl) is having regular casual sex with someone other than the person they are pseudoing (the pseudoee).

Pseudo dating is a practice that dates centuries back. Some scholars theorize that the concept of pseudo dating spawned during the mythical Arthurian Era, when Queen Guinevere would use King Arthur for moral support, guidance, power and financial security while banging Sir Lancelot on the side. Since then, pseudo dating has become a common, yet unspoken practice.

Some famous men and women who've been pseudo'd include Mark Hamill, Willie Aymes, former president Richard Nixon, Tom Bosley, James Taylor, the fat chick from Wilson-Phillips, Lance Bass, both members of Hall & Oates, Rob Schneider, and, most recently, Jennifer Anniston.

The sad and tragic part of the whole pseudo relationship is that the pseudoee never realizes they're being pseudo'd in the first place. Because of this, I've devised a short list of telltale warning signs as a public service.
You're probably being pseudo'd if"¦

"¢You find yourself "bumming it"� on a Friday night in order to watch the TNT premiere of Serendipity
"¢You find yourself picking up the person of your affection from their sex pal's house
"¢You lose countless hours of sleep by sitting on the phone listening to the person of your affection bitch about how they "just can't win"� with the person of their affection
"¢You find yourself as the designated driver for this person and their friends as they force you to listen to them discuss all the people in the bar they would've liked to sleep with.
"¢This person constantly calls you during the day to ask if you want to come over and take a nap together. No sex, just a nap
"¢Your life resembles every character Jason Biggs has ever played in a movie

If any or all of these match some facet of your relationship, there is a good chance that you're being pseudoed. But don't worry - there are ways out. I find that faking your own death works pretty well. Once your pseudoer finds out you're not dead, the fact that you live so recklessly adds an irresistible lust factor that's bound to make them look at you differently. Another way is to become a complete whore. Hook up with anything and everything in sight. Let them know you're more of a Judd Nelson than an Anthony Michael Hall.
While there are many creative ways you can come up with to solve your pseudo problem. Whatever you do, take your time and have faith. Ridding yourself of your pseudo title is going to take at least as much time as you've already wasted earning yourself the pathetic reputation of being "the friend they could never hook-up with."� Loser.

Karo has a new column out today, so check that out. And while you're checking things out, here are some hotlinks. Everybody wins!