-Hey, how are you doing? Really? Oh my God"¦I know. Yeah, she's a total slut. Yeah, she gave it to me too. Well, how was I supposed to know she was your sister? Anyways, that's not why I called; I'm actually looking for a girlfriend/sex partner. Do you know anyone? No way man, she wets the bed. Good idea, man"¦I will make a questionnaire!

-I suppose I should let all you ladies"¦let me repeat that"¦LADIES, out there know a little bit about myself before we begin the questionnaire. I am 21 years old, in reasonable health, 6'1"�, 220Lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, blah blah blah. OK, that's about it for me, now comes your part. It's real simple, just fill out the questionnaire and send it into suxatlife@hotmail.com. If I like the way you respond you'll have a chance to advance to the lighting round, in which you could win a Sony VCD recorder or, if you're really special, a phone call from me (but you have to pay for it).
So, let the questions begin:

-First, some general Questions: Name, Age (must be 18 or older), year of expected graduation.

-1.Would you be intimidated if I had bigger breasts than you?

-2.How much money would say you would be willing to spend on me?

-3.If I showed up at your house with a jar of Vaseline, a live duck, and Polaroid camera, what would you think?
a.Of course, Ill put that duck in your ass and take a picture
b.What a strange way to cook me dinner
c.God, I hope he sticks that greasy duck in my ass and takes a picture

-4.Could your Dad beat me up? (please keep in mind that I used to wrestle in 1997)

-5.If you were my girlfriend, would you object to me eating food off your back if we were doing it doggy style?

-6.WHY? You wouldn't even see me eating!

-7.Please, in 200 words or less, describe your perfect guy.

-8.If you wrote something like, "A kinda lazy comedian who has a little weight problem"� proceed to question #9.

-9.Do you have a problem with a guy that only has eight toes?

-10.If we were to become intimate and later you discovered a picture of yourself on the internet, naked, covered in tomato soup, what would you say?

-11.Would your answer be different if I said I would share some of the profits from my website, www.tomatosoupfucker.com?

-12.Complete this sentence: An acceptable penis length is ________ inches. (anything over 4 will be automatically disqualified)

-13.What celebrity do you think I look like most? (If you said that guy from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, then you can just go and fuck yourself)

-And finally"¦

-14.Your ideal man is"¦
a.smart
b.attractive, in shape
c.sensitive, caring, compassionate
d.none of the above

-If you picked "D"� for the last question, then I think we would be great for each other. So, just email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see where this magical adventure might lead! Hey, who knows, you might soon be appearing on the pages of www.tomatosoupfucker.com!

By Streeter Seidell