-Hello, ladies. I have something to ask of all of you, if you wouldn't mind that is. Will you stop being my friends? Let me sketch it out for you, I don't need anymore attractive female friends. Just look down the register; there's Vanessa, Deidre, Jeanne I, Jeanne II, Kara, Jamie, Gillian, Tina, plus a ton of others. I'm pretty well stocked for attractive female friends. And that is just the problem.

-You see, when you are funny, women flock to you. But not for sex"¦.no, they want entertainment. And I don't have any problem providing them with it. Plus, every now and then, these friendships lead to such entertaining events as "I can change in front of you"�, "Will you grab my boobs and tell me if they're big"�, and, of course, my favorite, "vagina inspector."� Ahhh, the times we've had. But my hot girl friend quota is all full now.

-It seems like every time I go out, I meet some friend of a friend who is very attractive. We end up talking for a while and I start to really get into her. She always seems (note the "seems"�) to like me too. So, naturally, I get excited and really try to lay it on thick. "You're definitely the prettiest girl at the party,"� "a Politics major? God, you're so smart,"� and, the unbeatable, "Hey, wanna touch me inappropriately?"� It is at this point that the girl always seems to grow a little uncomfortable. She will fidget, laugh nervously, and, for all I know, sneak out a fart as a defense mechanism.

-Of course, this is where the story will end as she will go to "fill her drink"� and come back with another friend. But, here is the funny part, since (other than me hitting on her) we had a great and funny conversation, she will immediately become my friend. She will call me to talk and want advice on her relationships. IT'S HELL and I'm sick of it.

-So, to all the hot girls out there that want to be my friend, just stop it! How do you know that I am not the best lover in the world (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am not filthy rich (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am disease free (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I don't like my ex (unless you talked to me, of course)? What I am trying to say is, give me a chance to do you"¦wait, that came out wrong. I mean, I can be more than a friend; I can be a very compassionate boyfriend.

-Now, to all the guys stuck in my situation with me, I say this; fuck it. What can we do about it? Nothing. Every now and again, some sick, deranged, twisted shit of a girl will come along who finds a sense of humor sexy and she will pleasure your dirty parts. But those are few and far between. Now, I have been living this life for a long time, at least since I got pubes, and there is one piece of advice I can send out to all you lonesome guys: You lose some, you lose some and then you pleasure yourself. Now, someone get on this pink rocket-ship before it explodes.