-I do not know who you are yet, but I know that I will love you. And when we get married, we must work to make our marriage work. It is from the bottom of my heart that I make these promises to thee.

-I promise"¦

-To always snore at night so as to create a regular, familiar pattern.

-To never tell the kids that Santa Claus is fake so that, on their first Christmas alone, they won't get anything and we can laugh at how stupid they are.

-To eat all of my meals in the nude so I don't mess up any of my clothes.

-To never question the paternity of our children unless Streeter Jr. looks a lot like the mailman.

-To never adopt a child without letting you know first.

-To always come home"¦maybe it won't be for a few nights, or weeks, but eventually I'll come home.

-To never ask you to do the housework. I will be straightforward in demanding that you do it or else"¦or else.

-That if I fart in bed, I will shove you under the covers and keep you down there to smell it because what is a marriage without sharing?

-That if you ever fart in bed I, will divorce you and sleep with your sister.

-To drive the kids to their soccer games every friday, provided the field is on the way to the bar.

-To not get a job so we can spend more time together.

-To never insult your parents by asking your Father if your Mother is as good in the sack as you are.

-To always scratch myself when I itch, unless I can't reach the spot"¦then I will have you do it for me.

-To sing to you every Saturday night when I come home from the bar and I"˜m drunk out on the lawn.

-To love our children almost as much as I love our dog.

-To remind you when you forget to perform felatio on me three times a week.

-To always comment on how much older and more dignified you look on each of your birthdays.

-To never celebrate our anniversary because everyday should be a celebration of our love.

-To kill any insect, rodent, or reptile that invades our home and threatens the safety of our children.

-To kill any cat that you bring into our home.

-To fix any leak, plunge any toilet, paint any wall, or mow any lawn unless I can pay someone else to do it.

-To warn you if I leave a particularly smelly mess in the bathroom.

-To wet myself as I get older because I know how much you love taking care of me.

-To turn off all the lights and shut all the blinds on Halloween so we don't get bothered by little annoying kids.

-To never fly to Europe on business without taking your credit cards for backup if my Sam's Club Super Saver card isn't accepted at the Ritz in London.

-To always remove my shoes when I come home so you can rub my feet.

-But most of all, I promise to love you and care for you"¦unless you start wetting yourself; then you're going to a nursing home. And if that happens, I promise"¦

-To visit you once a month and bring ginger snaps"¦for me, not you. If I gave them to you, you'd shit the bed because you're old and incontinent.

-Honey, these things I promise you. I love you.



Happy 50th Birthday "A Word From the Streets," and 50 more to come!