Ah, College
"All summered out."

I am cold and I am bored and I am upset. How upset am I? I'm so damn upset that I'm not even using hyphens in this column.

For the past two months I've been sitting in my room. While I've been sitting, I've gotten sick of MTV two hundred times, heard Emeril Lagasi say "kick it up a notch" a million times and, even still, have not learned how to spell his name right. I've seen more than a hundred episodes of "The Simpsons," drank fifty bottles of Mountain Dew, and beaten so many video games that, in all likelihood, they will stop making new ones, because there is no creative way left for evil people to try and destroy the world.

I am bored. I have tried to take up impossibly hard hobbies to keep me occupied and have ended up mastering them all within a few days. I can't watch television anymore. I have watched it so much in the past month that I actually "won" television. The credits rolled, I entered my initials, and then it was over.

I am cold. Despite the fact that it is summer, it is usually under fifty degrees here. Once again, someone forgot to inform Pennsylvania that it was June. Yet, as cold as it is, all the fans in the house are always on. Why? Because my mom doesn't want the dogs getting too hot. Which is stupid, because even if they do get too hot, I think the chances are fairly low that they will get pissed off and write a column complaining about her. My chances, on the other hand, are quite high.

I am single. My girlfriend of several months broke up with me recently. Right now, I desperately want to go out and have a few drinks with my friends and just forget. Worse still is that my dad keeps trying to take me up on the offer. And even worse is that I'm about a week away from just doing it.

I am annoyed. I'd like to know what's going on with my friends from college, but all of them have jobs and no one is keeping me up to date. Even though I get no e-mail, I frequently get pictures of naked women from these same friends in forwards. Though I appreciate the gesture, I can find naked pictures of women well enough on my own. But on the off chance that I forget how to enter the keyword "naked" at Google, I hope my friends will remind me. Thanks in advance, guys.

I am running into the only people on Earth I don't want to see right now. Apparently, every person I graduated with is home for summer, too, and I have run into every last one of them. Twice. To avoid lame parties where we're bound to talk about high school for ten hours straight, I told my mother to tell any callers for me that I was out on business. Lately, I've told her to tell people I am vacationing in Africa. At least the imaginary version of me should have some fun.

For some reason, I have also seen every teacher I had in high school. They all treat me like an adult, which seems weird to me. One of them even asked if I wanted to grab a beer after he got out of work. I turned him down but told him that my dad was, apparently, available.

I am sick. It turns out that after eating dining hall food for two years, my stomach can't handle human food anymore. And when my mom actually does fix something I can stomach, I'm angry that there isn't enough for me to eat ten plates of it. I've found that the silverware is, surprisingly, much harder to steal at home.

I am unable to sleep. Every night I nod off a little later. My insomnia is about three weeks away from giving me a "Fight Club" style split personality. Sadly, since I am already a gorgeous stud with a rebellious streak, my other personality will probably be Edward Norton, who will repeatedly tell me to buckle down and get an office job. Which might be okay, because a job would at least give me something to do and maybe they'd keep the fans off when it was cold.

I am just as poor as ever. Summer is a great time to get a job. But jobs are things that only occur in areas with an economy. There is a slim chance I can get a job as a cow, but that's unlikely, because we already have twenty cows to every person in this area. Openings may be scarce.

I am getting dumber. It's been so long since I've thought hard about anything that my brain cells are dying from starvation. Not that I was killing any less of them by drinking every weekend at college, but at least they died in glorious, honorable battle.

Just wanted to give you all a quick update about how my summer was. If anybody wanted to send me an e-mail, that'd be cool, because it would be great to have something to read just to break up the monotony here. Oh, and if anyone gets their hands on that picture of Lindsey Lohan's nipple slip, could you send it to me? I heard it was pretty hot...