Dear Citizens,

Hey guys, it's me America. As you know, my birthday is coming up tomorrow and I have some last minute ideas if anyone still hasn't gotten me something. I'm sure everyone will be coming to my party; there's going to be fireworks and cookouts and a lot of other fun stuff. So, if you want to bring me something while you're there, that would be great.

I don't want you spending all your cash on a present for me; just enough to show that you care. Like, you could get me some new highways in the north east. The ones I have there are almost falling apart. Oh, and I've always wanted more teachers at inner city schools. I don't NEED them, but I really, really want them. I asked my Dad, England, for them, but he said since I moved out 200+ years ago he wouldn't help me out anymore unless I got into a fight.

I really, really want a new mountain. All the ones I have are so old and out of style. I need a new, flashy one called "TerraMaximus"� or "Devil's Head"� or something like that. It would be so nice to get a new river to go with that mountain too. We could call it the Machetunxis or some other Indian sounding name. I also could use another national park. I hear Yellowstone is getting overcrowded.

Now, I don't want to sound greedy, but I also want a new state. I know I already have fifty, but I think fifty one would really bring a sense of closure to the whole issue. We could get Puerto Rico or maybe even Quebec; I hear they want to leave Canada anyway. Maybe we could just find some new land altogether. Wouldn't it be cool to have a state on the Moon? The flag's already there.

Please, please get me a new president. Maybe make it a belated gift"¦say, November, around there. The one I have now is really mean and he keeps killing my army. Plus, I hear there is this other guy who could take his place who doesn't talk much but looks like a twenty dollar bill"¦make him president instead. (but leave the tags on, if he isn't what I wanted, I may have to return him in four years)

If you really want to make me happy on my birthday, eliminate China. They have always been a pain in my ass and I'm getting sick of pretending to be their friend. Same goes for North Korea and basically the whole middle east. They say I'm a bully; I say they had better watch their mouths or else"¦or else.

Now, here are a couple of things I keep getting, year after year, that I don't need. I don't need any more Wal-Marts. I'm practically bursting at the seams. I don't need any more country music. I don't need any more McDonalds. We're big enough as it is. I don't need any more terrorist attacks, war or Jessica Simpson television shows. I no longer need any more bears. I know they were endangered, but now they have started eating people. I don't want any more celebrity children's books, miracle diets, animal-shaped chicken nuggets, right wing talk shows, VH1 "I Love The"¦"�, speed limits, mounted novelty talking animals, Atkins approved products, and Wayans Brother movies. So don't get me any of that.

So, I hope to see you all my birthday party tomorrow and I hope you get me something on my wish list!

Fondly,
Your Country, America

PS. I also want a new bike.