To brand new college boys and girls:

This isn't my first time trying to write this update. I found after a few tries that it's very hard to write about what it's like to be going to college for the first time. Every time I try to give it a go, I find it's very hard to apply a sense of humor to it because it's so uncertain (as destiny is wont to be). But I'll give it my best shot anyway.

There are probably three major emotions that stand out in my brain: Excitement, hope, and fear. My brain is excited because it knows that the future will be filled with much stimulation, both hormonal and endorphinal (which translates to the obvious). Hope, because it knows the near future contains the crossroads at which I'll choose my life's destiny. Fear, because I am socially and academically inept and everyone else invariably knows it and will hate me for it. God, I'm so fat - I'll never be pretty!

But I can relax knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings, and that you, too, will inevitably become beneficiaries of whatever bounties await us at college. I can also take comfort in knowing that you, too, will fall victim to whatever perils await me. Joy!

And so we ride out these last few days of summer, which is an interesting time for any college bound freshman. You're back to square one on the hierarchy ladder, which can be a tough thing for you if you were the "cool kid"� in high school. Maybe you'll be the "loser"� at college, and that kid you used to pick on will be the new Cool Kid! Who's laughing now, Brian McGaughan???! Who's laughing, huh??!!! Kiss my prescription shoes!

I note that in these last days before the Big Move-In, my mom is continually asking me to do some frankly useless things, such as clean my room. Mother, I don't need to clean my room anymore, as it's basically about to become your storage closet. Wait, suddenly it all makes sense. Dammit.

Speaking of parents, that age old college stereotype is true: They surely will take advantage of the fact that you're no longer in the house. Your bedroom becomes a spa, your car is donated to Red Cross, your comics (if any) are sold, your dog gets stuffed. My particularly Evil Dad decided to get cable installed today for the first time in twelve years. When I asked him why, he responded by telling me it was my "Going Away Present."�

"Thanks, Dad!"� I said.

Then, after I thought about it for a minute, I got the joke: ""¦ wait a minute. I hate you, dad!"�

He then laughed and threw a bottle of whiskey at me. Then I sat in my room in a fetal position and cried. The scars are so deep"¦ they last so long"¦ my dark soul"¦

"¦ YEAH COLLEGE! So who else is as excited as I am? Meeting new people, having fun times, it's a blast. This is the year that a teen movie is inevitably made about, so you'd better make it count! You practically WANT embarrassing things to happen to you, because in the end, no matter how nerdy and pathetic you actually are, you're sure to wrestle the hot chick away from the big jock guy who torments you. No, seriously, it'll happen, just like it did in high school. Oh, wait.

But hey, one of the cool things is that this is your big chance to make up some wicked cool lies about yourself:

"Uh, yeah, so my name is Chas, but back home in, um"¦ Thailand, all the other guys in my"¦ Muy Thai kickboxing class"¦ they used to call me"¦ Nash... Nash McShiv"¦ The Destroyer of Worlds"¦"�

Of course, a big thing about the first year is The Roommate. This is probably the scariest thing about The Wait Before College. What's the roommate going to be like? Will he be annoying or personable? Hygienic or unsanitary? A loser or worse"¦ Richard, perhaps?

All in all, though, I guess there's no way to be fully prepared for it. I can't even make a decent joke about it (oh, you noticed?) because frankly, I have no idea what's in store for me. But whatever. Just take it all with a grain of salt. The only advice I can give, as a fellow first time college bound freshman, is:

Know your place, but don't let it satisfy you.

Because that just sounds so damn punk rock, doesn't it?

Have fun, everyone. Study hard. Drink a lot. Girls, kiss each other with great enthusiasm. This is college, and it refuses to suck. So don't let it.