Damnit! I always miss the day when it officially becomes Fall. And somehow everyone else always knows what season it is. Are you guys all meeting behind my back or something? Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Wait - what was that noise? Is that the cops?

For real, though - will somebody just email me when the next season approaches? Summer just took off. I feel like somebody just came and kidnapped the child I was supposed to be watching. Your daughter? Uh, I think she's around here somewhere, bro - can this wait? I'm watching Adult Swim. I was supposed to be responsible and go to the park and spend time with Summer, but I blew Summer off and hung out with my seasonal friend Air Conditioning, or AC and now it's crappy Fall.

Why does that always happen to me? It's just like the government raising the price of stamps. Do they tell you guys before that happens? Because I think they just assume that I know it's going to happen. And then I'm the dickhead at the post office who has the 29 cent stamps from the last time they raised the price three weeks earlier and everyone's laughing and pointing. Ha ha! You didn't know that stamps cost 32 cents now - oh wait they just raised it again - 35 cents - I mean 39 cents. You're all in it against me!! Wait - I think it's the cops again...

So with the weather changing and Halloween coming, I thought we'd review some scaaaaary movie trailers:



The Machinist
Starring Christian Bale

Speaking of being paranoid, this preview freaked me out huge. Seriously, I quietly wept for several minutes after watching it here on the old Womack computer. The scariest thing about it though, was the fact that actor Christian Bale lost 60 pounds for the role. He's so skinny in the movie (How skinny is he??). He's so skinny in the movie I thought Skeletor was making his dramatic acting debut. But she's actually busy appearing in press junkets for 'Ally McBeal - the DVD'. Did you get that one, or was it too convoluted? Either way, he's super scary skinny.

I thought that the use of the game hangman was also very scary. The very concept of that game is frightening. And they teach it to kids as soon as they can read to help them learn how to spell. What kind of lesson is that teaching kids? Hey kids, learn how to spell, or we will execute this tiny man. His very life depends on you!!! After that we're going to sing about this bridge that's falling down in London, threatening the lives of thousands. Then to round it out we're going to dance around holding hands chanting 'Ring Around the Rosey', the themesong to the Black Plague. Good luck in the world, kids!

I do like the title of this movie. "The Machinist". It's innocently evil. I hope they make a sequel entitled "The Typist", which would probably be a pretty boring movie. No back up logic on that one, I just think it would be dandy.

Rating: This one looks like it will be a Halloween treat, so I'm giving it 13 ancient candy corns out of 14 ancient candy corns.




Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Starring Milla Jovavich

Okay, okay, I just watched this trailer and there was a lot of Holywood glitz in it. But I saw the first one and it sucked. Resident Evil is a really good and scary video game, but the plot is way too weak for a movie. It's kind of like making "Pac Man: The Movie". That actually might be okay if they actually made the ghosts a little more mean sounding than 'Blinky', 'Pinky', 'Stinky' and 'Dinky', or whatever the hell they're named.

But the first thing that jumped out at me about this preview was the guy in a wheelchair who is like the genius of the evil corporation. Isn't that sonsidered stereotyping yet, to make every guy in a wheelchair a genius? Granted, there's Stephen Hawking and Professor X [from "X-Men" (2000)], but come on, be just a little less stale movie writer guy! And speaking of those evil corporation workers, they all have this vaguely European non-specific accent. There's another stereotype, no? All bad guys have to be from Europe? We all know that's not true - our president is from right here in the U.S. of A.

The plot sounds like it's going to be pretty much like the first one. Instead of calling it "Resident Evil: Apocalypse", they should have called it "Resident Evil: A Few People Get Locked Away with a Legion of Evil Monsters Again and Have to Fight Their Way Out Good Thing One of Them was in the First One and Knows Exactly How to Defeat Them"

Rating: I'm giving this halfass evil creation 1 Frankenstein's Monster out of 24 Frankenstein's Monsters.





Movie fans - Here are some actual movies that I've seen that I rate as spectacular, and if you are looking for a movie to rent one day and can't find anything but trash in the movie store (imagine that crazy scenario!!!), consider these movies for a rental, as they are excellent:


"Scream" (1996), and "Fright Night" (1985): Both of those are fun, so you have my personal Shalit Guarantee on those.