Ah, College
"Love is a battlefield"

February 15th. All across the landscape, I could see millions of empty ice cream containers, thousands of half-eaten cakes, and more of those little conversation hearts than I could count. And it was in that moment that I suddenly realized...I won Valentine's Day.

You might be wondering how someone can win a holiday. Especially one with so many different measures of success. Some people want to be in a relationship. Other people want to have sex. Still others want to have the most Valentines in the construction paper box taped to the edge of their desk. I'll admit that last group is probably in the minority nowadays, though.

We'll start with sex. I always hear that some girls get really desperate on Valentine's Day. This sounds like instant sex for any guy on Earth, but it's not, because guys get just as desperate. And there might be some incredibly smooth desperate guys out there. But I've never met one.

The worst thing is that any guy who gets any will still brag about it to his friends, no matter how easy it was. I just don't see the sense of accomplishment. "Man, that girl was so wasted and desperate. She'd have had sex with anyone...And she did!"

Personally, I haven't had much interest in sex for a year or so. It turns out I have the bad habit of yelling names during sex. Which might be okay, but I almost exclusively yell my own name.

What can I say? I'm really, really good.

As far as relationships, people always say how hard it is to be single on Valentine's Day. I disagree. Being single is very easy on any day. After all, the only way you can mess up being "single" is to drop down to "none." And that's just a matter of looking both ways before stepping into traffic.

No. Being in a couple is much harder. You have to know important dates, buy presents, and try very hard not to say anything really stupid. And it's ten times as bad on Valentine's Day. If you don't play your cards right, you'll end up just as alone as the people you were mocking for not having a girlfriend earlier in the day.

But as great as being single is on Valentine's Day, most people I know treat it like a curse. Furthermore, they see fit to punish themselves by eating ice cream and candy all day. Which I might feel bad for, if I considered having to eat food any sort of punishment.

It's really too bad the American justice system isn't based on these forms of punishment. Because I'd seriously like to rob a convenience store and be sentenced to eat two containers of "Ben and Jerry's." If I shot the cashier, maybe I could get some sugar cookies, too.

Single people make their situation worse by sitting in bed with food all day complaining how they'll never find anyone. They're right. The chances of finding someone in their bed are fairly slim. Though I'll admit it would cut out a lot of steps if they were eventually hoping to sleep with them.

So you're still probably wondering how I won the holiday. It's simple. I forgot Valentine's Day was February 14th. It's not like I had a really great day that day. But given that the rest of the country spent twenty-four hours trying to appease their significant other or crying and wishing they had one, my day doesn't seem so bad.

Combined with the fact that I got forty-one Valentines in my box, including one from that cute Jamie Prescott, it's kind of hard to not declare myself the winner here.