So a little birdie flew in my window last week and said, "hey Neel, stop being such a whiny little prick. Your beloved O.C. just unloaded a ton of dead weight, obnoxious characters, and ugly faces. Sit tight and await the return of Season One Glory."� Then another birdie flew in my window and said, "hey Neel, it's finals week at your J.V. Ivy League school. You were too stupid to get into Harvard or Yale, and therefore can't rely on the crutch of rampant grade inflation to get you thru the semester. So write your column on the quick tip and get back to studying international political economy."�

With both birds in mind, we move onto today's episode, also known as "the first step to O.C. recovery."� Let's quickly recap the new plotlines so I can go fail my test:
1) "The Porn Identity"�: Um, totally fucking awesome. Given that Julie essentially screws Caleb for money in real life, it's fitting that she would have screwed the pizza boy for money in her previous one. But $500,000? Come on, Lance. There is no way in hell you could make that kind of cash by distributing that tape on the internet. Which brings us to a far more pertinent question: How much money would a Melinda Clarke (the actress who plays Julie Cooper-Nichol on the show, for all you amateurs out there) sex tape fetch in real life? To be honest, I've always felt that Julie is the second hottest character on the show, after Kirsten (yes, I think both moms are hotter than Marissa and Summer. Paging Dr. Freud.) No way would the lovely Ms. Clarke come even close to receiving Paris Hilton/Pam Anderson quantities of facetime, but if Jenna from Survivor can have her own tape, then dammnit, you can too, Melinda. We're all waiting.
2) The Ongoing De-Gaying of Marissa on Account of Economics: In his 1776 seminal work "The Wealth of Nations,"� Adam Smith coined the phrase "invisible hand"� to demonstrate how self-interest guides the most efficient use of resources in a nation's economy. Or at least that's what the nerdy Asian kid whose notes I photocopied told me. What Smith failed to mention, though, is that self-interest also propels the "invisible hand"� to make sexually-confused-but-spoiled girls start liking boys again so they don't have to do their own laundary. As Julie told Alex, "it's only a matter of time before Marissa comes back."� Whether she was referring to her life of luxury or to the hetero squad is unclear. Either way, lesbianism, "˜twas nice while it lasted. Bring on Ryan.
3) Kirsten's New "Love"� Interest, the Magazine Editor: First off, I didn't quite catch his name, and I didn't have time to go thru it again on TiVo. But I think it was Carter. If not, please no emails telling me I'm an idiot. Whatever his name, dude was a straight-up, smooth-talking sleazebag. Kind of like me, minus the smooth-talking part. I liked him, especially compared to She Who Shall Never Be Mentioned Again in This Column. My only concern is with the plausibility of the whole thing. I can't believe I just brought up "plausability" as a plot concern, but that's a seperate point in and of itself. Carter can't solely exist as a love foil to Peter. Kirsten, bless her soul, is too good a person to be vindictive. I imagine a curveball awaits us; I just haven't figured out what it is at this point. In short, I am useless. But you knew that already.

Granted, the whole mall thing (especially the hockey game"¦come on, Schwartzy, were you really that sad about the NHL lockout?) was a bit contrived. And there was one exchange between Julie and Alex that was innnnnexcusable (Julie: "Have you met Marissa's new friends, Sullen and Vindictive?"� Alex: "No, but I guess they're friends with Scared and Overwhelmed. Perhaps the O.C. writers were hanging out with their friends, Cheesy and Hackneyed. Sorry, lay-up.) But, overall, this episode was a relative "blip"� on the O.C. life support system.

PS, we're totally in business again if Ryan knocks out Alex next week. Seriously.

Send all BALCO-approved, GPA-enhancing steroids to Neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. Unless it's hate mail about how this column wasn't funny. Fuck you and come take my tests.