Hello Mr. Seidell, I hear you're looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Ok, ok, great. Now, are you employed? I see, so you'll start as soon as you graduate? Great, now do you have a roommate? Ok, is she employed? Good, good. Well, I think I can help. Now, tell me, what are you looking for? So, two bedrooms, good neighborhood, laundry, kitchen, working bathroom and a window or two for under $2,200. Ok, hold on just a second while I go through the listings.

Ah, I don't see anything that fits exactly what you're looking for, but I do have some that are similar, would you like to hear them? Ok, well first I have an amazing two bedroom with lots of light and plenty of room. Does it have electricity? Well no, but there is a garbage can that you can burn newspaper in for heat. No? Ok, ok, no problem, I have plenty of other places. Oooh, here's one you guys might be interested in: $2,100, one bedroom with Styrofoam wall - that makes it a two bedroom - and it comes with a George Foreman grill for cooking. Is the neighborhood safe? Well, there hasn't been any serious crime there in over a month. What's a serious crime? You know, murder, rape, that kind of stuff. No?

Now, this one I think you'll really like. It's in an elevator building in a great neighborhood. Does the elevator work? Well no, not really, but you can take your chances. Anyways, the bedrooms are big enough to fit a whole chest of drawers! What size bed can fit in them? They're not actually big enough for a bed of any kind, but the kitchen has plenty of room for a cot if that's ok? Oh, I see, you actually want to sleep in the bedrooms. Ok, ok, that narrows it down a bit.

Wait, hold on just a second"¦.Yes, ok, this is great. I just got this listing right now. It's not even on the market yet. I have a wonderful space right in lower Manhattan with plenty of room. It has north, south, east AND west exposure, river views; it's really airy. And, the best part is, rent is only $300 per month! Where is it? It's right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Well, no, it's not actually an apartment, per se; it's more of an open air residence. Yeah, it's just a plot of land under the bridge. But I could set you up with a great tent-rental agency that could get you a HUGE tent for real cheap. Oh, and he has lanterns and little gas grills too. No? Are you sure? This place will go quickly. Ok, ok, suit yourself.

Ah, I have one more place you may want to consider. It's a pre-war brownstone on a tree-lined block right in the heart of downtown. The rent? It's $1,900 per month and that includes utilities. It's two real bedrooms big enough to fit king sized beds and has a massive living room and separate kitchen. It's already hard-wired for internet and cable, and you guys would be the first to know about it. Does that place sound ok to you? Really"¦really, you'll take it? Great, great. Ok, so the next step is just all the simple stuff - paper work, applications, credit checks, etc - and we should be able to move you in right away. Oh, yes, I forgot, there is a broker's fee on this place. No, it's not that much. Let's see, it's just $13,000 up front and then an additional $2,000 if you choose to live there longer than three weeks. Oh, and of course, there's the application fees which shouldn't be more than a few thousand dollars. It's all just standard procedure. Well, it may sound pricey but that's the best deal anyone can offer. I see, I see, why yes, we do have some properties in New Jersey.