Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I'm your new roommate.

Me: Wow...

Stretch Armstrong: I hope you're ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!

Me: (Nods head)

Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there.

Me: Thanks, they turn into sunglasses when you go out in the sun. Sometimes they take like half an hour to turn back to normal glasses, though.

Stretch Armstrong: Interesting! So I hear you're starting on the baseball team.

Me: Yeah, but there's only one problem-

Stretch Armstrong: Don't worry about it, buddy, the league knows you're too much of a puss to hit off of a real pitcher, so they made a rule that you get to throw the ball up to yourself.

Me: Awesome!

Stretch Armstrong: Woops, one moment. (Stretches his arm out the door and down the hall. Through the window you can see it snaking across the street.He brings his arm back, carrying a bag of Warheads.) I hope you like candy, because all the ovens in the cafeteria broke, and that's all you can eat here.

Me: Even for breakfast?

Stretch Armstrong: Get real, Steve, no one eats breakfast in college! Anyway, I hear that you can name all the presidents AND that you have your class record in Math Blasters.

We have brb, lol, and omg. Old people have these:

WAI
---------------------------------------
Where Am I?

FFOS
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Falling For Online Scams

DYGYMTMILY
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Did You Give Your Mother The Message I Left You?

GPADYKWMFNA
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Grandma Passed Away, Do You Know Where My Fig Newtons Are?

SCFTF
---------------------------------------
Still Can't Find Those Figs...

FTF
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Found The Figs!

FAS
---------------------------------------
Figs Are Swell.

ITIPMP
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I Think I Pooped my Pants

IPMP
---------------------------------------
I Pooped My Pants

Ethan: Since I know you're going to do it anyway, just start running your mouth about your Lakers.

Amir: WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1! Any chance Stern will just advance the Lake Show straight to the finals? Do we really have to go through formality of embarrassing the other seven teams in the West?

Ethan: Carmelo will drink to that. Anything to keep him out of having to play this first round series with such a splitting headache. Are you at all nervous about the Nuggets? Or the possibility of playing the Mavericks?

Amir: Nervous about the Nuggets? What year is this: Never? What the Lakers (and Amerca) really need is a Spurs/Suns series in the first round. That way the Lakers won't have to play them both. Those are probably the second and third best team in the West. What's your top four?

Ethan: Lakers, Hornets, Spurs, Clippers. I think that Chris Kaman would be able to make a lot of noise if they were just in the playoffs.

Amir: Wait just a minute... The Hornets? Are number two? Why... let's take a trip down memory lane to November 7th back when the NBA season was just one week old...

Amir: The Hornets are good. And not just good for a team who doesn't play in Texas. They are legit. Chris Paul is playing like an MVP...they are playing like a team who will have home court advantage in the playoffs.

Ethan:Home court? Are you insane? They're the fourth-best team in their division.

Ethan: I have no counter for that. I was wrong. In my defense, they're only two losses from being in third in their division, so it's not all that ridiculous. You know what is ridiculous, though? Ramon Sessions going 20-20 in points and assists and losing. It's confusing on like nine different levels.