Articles Archive
5 total on Tuesday, May 6th
Turning Tuesdays into Fundays!
If there's one thing I've learned about women, it's that they can't stand peeing.
I was driving one day and I saw that someone spray painted "Thug For Life" across a bridge. Naturally, my grandparents thought it was a deplorable act, because they believe in the woman's right to choose.
When I was a kid my dad always tried to live vicariously through me. It sure wasn't easy being the only nine year old in my class who was bangin' his father's secretary.
Examples of Tommy Lee Jones and the US Judicial System being wrong.
1. The Fugitive2. U.S. Marshals
3. Double Jeopardy
1st degree burn: redness, pain at site of injury
2nd degree burn: superficial blistering
Liberal arts degree burn: have fun working at Costco!
2nd degree burn: superficial blistering
Liberal arts degree burn: have fun working at Costco!
Out of sight, out of mind. That's just mean, since I don't think ALL blind people crazy.
Tastier Foods Served at the Last Supper that I Would Happily Receive at Sunday Mass, Had Christ Chosen to Turn Them Into His Body Instead of Bread
1. Roasted lamb2. Pomegranate
3. Fried fish
4. Grapes
5. Double Stuf Oreos
Richard Simmons' Senior Citizen Workout Tapes
-Sweatin' to Miles Davis-Sweatin' to the Golden Girls theme
-Defecatin' to the Oldies
-Remembrin' your grandkids' names
My grandfather always told me dime is money. He was full of obvious advice.
Analogies
If being gay were like bad action movies from the late '90s, Ryan Seacrest would be a Steven Seagal flick
Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they even know what a text message is?
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, send it to parentsjustdontunderstand (at) gmail.com. And, hey, if we publish it, send your parents a link. They probably won't understand what it is.
Those dumb bastards.
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, send it to parentsjustdontunderstand (at) gmail.com. And, hey, if we publish it, send your parents a link. They probably won't understand what it is.
Those dumb bastards.
Your parents' social networking.
From Liz, SUNY Stony Brook
My mom thought that Mozilla Firefox was a computer virus.
From Will, College of Charleston
If the Real World Used Textbook Buy-Back Policies
by Susanna Wolff May 06, 2008
Buyer: I'll give you $5,000 for it.
Homeowner: Are you crazy? I just paid $100,000 for it in January. Haven't you heard of value appreciation?
Buyer: All I'm hearing is that your house is used.
Homeowner: Hardly. I spent like 2 days there in March and then 6 hours yesterday. This house is in perfect condition.
Buyer: Oh yeah, what's this note above the backdoor?
Homeowner: It says, "Low door. Mind your head."
Buyer: Low door, huh?
Homeowner: Yeah, but that's not a problem. It's just a feature of the house. It's supposed to be like that. That's just a helpful note in case people didn't notice the height of the door.
Buyer: It sullies the whole house. The whole house is crap because of that note!
Homeowner: What are you talking about? This isn't even a pretty house.
Buyer: So you admit it!
Homeowner: Yeah. It's a stupid looking house on a boring block, but people still want to buy it. Haven't you heard of supply and demand?
Buyer: Nope. And I'm not going to give you more than $5,000 for this dump. That's just policy.
Homeowner: What are you talking about? What policy?
Buyer: Just policy.
Homeowner: Well, maybe I won't sell it to you. Who knows, I might need this house in the future. It's got pretty cool...faucets. I might want to use those. Ugh, fine. Give me the stupid 5 grand.
Buyer: Great doing business with you.
Ex-Buyer: Attention, all prospective buyers! Who wants to buy this fantastic, mint-condition home for $90,000?
Ex-Homeowner: What?!
Ex-Buyer: Sucker.
Cyanide and Happiness
by Cyanide & Happiness May 06, 2008
Today's Hottest College Girl Matchups
by CH Staff May 06, 2008Here are today's matchups. Vote now, these girls are counting on you!
Ashley
