105%

Hey Loyal Readers, we've recently stopped posting "105%" columns here, but be sure to check out "Jokes" in our brand new feature, uPick, where you get to submit and vote on your favorite stories submitted by users like you.

 

Subscribe to 105%

Get notified about new episodes via email, SMS and on CollegeHumor.

Learn More
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Sixty

by 105%-O-Matic on

If tears came out like soft serve, I think all the world’s sadness would solve itself.
-Steve Etheridge @Stetheridge
I like Ultimate Frisbee because it doesn’t have to deal with the convoluted continuity issues of regular Frisbee.
-Andrew Bridman @AndyBridgman
The only people on the subway I feel worse for than the homeless are the good-looking. If they had any sort of a break in life, they’d be taking a cab.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
My girlfriend and I just aborted triplets. We posthumously named them Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Let’s face it you guys defeatism will never be a thing
-Julie Shain @JulieShain
It’s called a food court cause if you eat there, you are giving the world permission to judge you.
-Ryan Purtill @RyanPurtill
If you put your mind to it, you can make any dream a reality. And that, officers, is why I walked into this high school Calculus exam naked.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 8 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Nine

by 105%-O-Matic on

It’s important to be conservative with water. That’s why when I shower I just redistribute the cleanliness amongst the already clean.
-Julie Shain @JulieShain
I don’t know why I even bother eating tangerines if people are going to keep growing more. We’re never going to finish them that way.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It’s too bad you can’t attend your own funeral. I’d really love to hear what everyone has to say about where they’re going to eat afterwards.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Nothing screams “gay” like my stepdad at me.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Lost my debit card over the weekend and someone used it to buy $200 worth of Korean Wizard Porn, AND they delivered it to MY apartment!
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
“There’s nothing ‘special’ about this rape victim. Let’s go home and play videogames, Munch.” -weird episode of Law & Order: SVU
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Recent polls show that more than 99 percent of women refuse to have phone sex with pollsters.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 4 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Eight

by 105%-O-Matic on

Whichever ad exec wrote “There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s” is more than welcome to help me dislodge this peanut butter cup from my ear.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
My inferiority complex is not as good as everybody else’s.
-Ryan Purtill @RyanPurtill
I’m not racyclist, but I think bikes should have their own lanes.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
If the guy’s pants are on fire, give him a fucking break about being a liar liar for a second.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
My prison inmates got mad at me for dropping the brand new soap. They really tore me a new one.
-Daniel Kim
I don’t like to mix business with pleasure. That’s why I never bring my laptop to work.
-John Baglio
If clowns are comedians for children, does that technically make them statutory japists?
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 13 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Seven

by 105%-O-Matic on

The worst is when you find out the hot tub ISN’T a time machine and you’re just sitting there with your “PRESIDENT LINCOLN! DUCK!” sign.
-Steve Etheridge @Stetheridge
Why is it that whenever someone tries to talk about how much they love natural foods, it’s never brought up in the conversation organically?
-Andrew Caudill
Does Just For Men “Touch of Gray” work on pubes? I don’t want my genitals to look too old, but I don’t want them to lack experience either.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
$7 for popcorn?! They better be sprinkled with gold, cause I got horrible metal poisoning after eating it.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
What do you call someone who refuses to attend Ne-Yo concerts?
A Ne-Yo Not-See.
-Hannah Jones
Rastafarians don’t think too highly of Mormons, they’re more into the whole “one love” thing.
-Alexander Cooper
Conspiracy Theory
Do you think it’s just a COINCIDENCE that EVERY conspiracy theory is ultimately INNACURATE? Or is REALITY pulling the strings!?
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 8 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Six

by 105%-O-Matic on

They say no news is good news, but it’s probably bad news if all the world’s news outlets have been destroyed.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but there are no good ways to explain why you have all those skinned cats in your basement.
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Just hard, fast punches.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
Methamphetamines are actually way easier done than said.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I Hardly Ever Finish My One-Liners
They call me the PunBail Wiza
-Dan Abromowitz
I used to consider myself quite The Thinker, until my aching wrist forced me to stop it.
-Alex Ringgaard @AlexRinggaard
If disappointing others was an Olympic event, I’d probably sleep through the qualifiers.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 6 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Five

by 105%-O-Matic on

I don’t want to sound homophobic, but I don’t think gay male grizzly bear couples should be allowed to raise kids. They usually eat them.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I recently fell into some money. Unfortunately it was only 5 bucks, so I broke my nose.
-Mike Fagan
I’m starting to feel kind of guilty for flushing the Indian in my cupboard down the toilet. Sorry, I mean Native American.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I’m going to start calling my testicles “horses.” That way when anyone says “Hold your horses” I’ll have something fun to do.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Technically speaking, until someone starts paying you to be a member of the working class, you’re just an amateurletarian.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Early stage pyramid schemes are known as “ziggurat schemes.”
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 9 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Four

by 105%-O-Matic on

“I cracked the case.” – detective who just dropped his iPhone
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
“Those who delete their internet history are doomed to repeat it.”
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
Bragging about being a “real New Yorker” is just an optimistic way of admitting you’re poorly traveled.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It turns out my grandfather was lying when he said “I’ve got your nose!” The nose belonged to a drifter.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Worst Car Game Ever
I’m thinking of a word between a and z. Ok go.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme
-Brandon Richie @brichie13
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 16 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Three

by 105%-O-Matic on

Carmen Sandiego could have made a lot of kids feel really stupid if she had just hidden in San Diego.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
“Party hard!” – caveman with Social Anxiety Disorder
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
I’d like to meet the king whose only demand is four peanut-butter cups per package.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
My weight loss plan isn’t going so well. I’ve mowed down several gypsies with my Subaru, but no one has cursed me “thinner” yet.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
When in roam, do as the buffalos do.
-Daniel Krantman
What does a porn star eat on her birthday? Buk-cakey.
-Bryce Humphrey
Stockings are like condoms, they look weird, are uncomfortable, and are real “day ruiners” when they tear.
-Brendan H. Banks @Brendan_H_Banks
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 10 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Two

by 105%-O-Matic on

Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
When push comes to shove, you’re definitely delivering the baby wrong.
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I hate to be a pain in the ass, but I’m all out of lube.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
When somebody asks me to turn the dishwasher on, I walk into the kitchen and take my pants off.
-Steve Cambridge
I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I’m a skeptic, but because I have a sodium addiction.
-James Bradford
I had nothing to do one day, so I decided to read the Bible. I guess you could call me a “bored again” Christian.
-Danielle K
My boyfriend is such a grammar Nazi, I miss one period and he acts like my life is over.
-J Klinesauce.
I’m such a feminist that my girlfriend cums on MY tits.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 10 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty One

by 105%-O-Matic on

There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.
-Rich Piepho
Lately I’ve been trying to live every day like it’s my last, at least that’s my excuse for sneaking into the hospital and stealing that woman’s morphine drip.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
“Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and ROFL!” – LOLzymandias
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Drug-dealer-turned-schizophrenic-housekeeper upon being handed a Swiffer
“You know you have to tell me if you’re a mop, right?”
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
I’m really in touch with myself. Especially at night.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
I’d be a born again Christian, but I don’t think I’d fit in my mom’s uterus anymore. Also, I worship Satan.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
I’m a robot. Need proof? I have never once typed a CAPTCHA correctly on the first try.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 12 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty

by 105%-O-Matic on

I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the subway. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big to sit on my lap anyway.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
You’d think Republicans would approve some of Obama’s proposals. At least the ones thought of with the white half of his brain
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Pokemon Jock Jams
BIDOOF! THERE IT IS
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Temple of Doom Pickup Line
“The second you ripped his heart out was the moment you took hold of mine.”
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I got 99 problems and being sued for sexual harassment after calling a woman I work with a “bitch” is most of them.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
I have no self-control when it comes to food. If it’s in front of me, I’m going to make sweet,sweet love to it.
-Rich Piepho
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 6 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Nine

by 105%-O-Matic on

In like a lion, out like a slightly more warm lion.

Backward fitted caps, a father and a failure, goatees everywhere.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
Pretty sure I could beat Watson in any eating contest. In fact, that goes for any computer. Except maybe the IBM Eat-o-Tron 4000.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore
-Justin Lesser
Whenever I’m having a rough day and need some positives in my life, I do addition.
-Daniel Ritchey
New York is so expensive. I already spent 60 bucks today and all I’ve done is eat lunch and get mugged.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Racist
I don’t mean to sound racist, but every time I say “I don’t mean to sound racist” I sound pretty racist.
-Lev Novak
If you can’t stand the Heat, the Orlando Magic aren’t bad.
-Michael Gladstone
When I want to relax, I play Tetris. But when I REALLY want to relax, I stop playing Tetris.
-Rich Piepho
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 11 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Eight

by 105%-O-Matic on

The only Internet joke article with both tiger blood and Adonis DNA

I usually don’t mind being called “Chief” or “Boss” by a waiter, but “Infallible Table Pope” seems a bit much.
-Steve Powers
One day I’m going to start a mother-son dating site called Oedipal Arrangements.
-Bryan Berlin @Berlination
If Life gives you lemons, then you are playing a ridiculously specific version. Normally it’s just like “have a kid” or “get a job”.
-David Fromstein
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#
-Rich Piepho
I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.
-Mike Fagan
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was a reverse 360 ollie while listening to some Reel Big Fish tunes.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Umbrellas are like wands with only one spell, “Keepmeo Dryo.”
-Rj Zarate
Call me old-fashioned, but I think the guy should be the one who asks the girl out. If granted permission from the Sun God, Ra, of course.
-Connor Dowd
I don’t usually get stage fright, but the guy using the urinal next to mine keeps staring at me. I’ll never be able to sh*t now.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Keep Reading »
| 10 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Seven

by 105%-O-Matic on

Eat your lousy chocolate-filled heart out

2012: get rich or die Mayan
-Steph Belsky (@stephbelsky)
I’m so obsessed with cleanliness, I wash my hands BEFORE I go to the bathroom instead.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Black Guy’s Twitter Update When He Walks Into A Store
@StoreEmployee is now following you.
-Conor McKeon
Anyone that says soup is filling was already full of sh*t to begin with.
-Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt)
I used to be REALLY into legos, but then I learned how to masturbate.
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
What’s the hottest new trend in Frat-house architecture? Natural light, brah!
-Michael Musgrave
Stereotypes
I like to go to the mall and yell stereotypes at Asian families, like “Sony HT-SF470 Surround Sound Home Theater System!”
-Patrick Merryman (@PatrickMerryman)
I’m not usually one to wax poetic, but have you seen Emily Dickinson’s bikini line lately?
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 5 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Six

by 105%-O-Matic on

LOLscar Nominated

Amateur cartoonists strip their way through college
-Jon Wolf (@jwolftweets)
Girls that I can’t have sex with are completely ineffable
-Tom Philip (@tommphilip)
Of all the problems plaguing the Spiderman musical, installing “Clap On Clap Off” lights in the theater has to be among the dumbest.
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
“I’d love to, but I have to help a friend move” is always an honest excuse if you’re a ventriloquist.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. The recent cold weather changed my mind.
-Marc Shalet
I went to get my grandfather creamated, but I was disappointed with the lack of flavors
-Zack Loft
I refuse to bungee jump. I came into this world by a broken rubber and I won’t leave it the same way.
-Santos Miranda
I don’t understand why people are so amazed when i say my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most german officers did.
-Sven Sic
My friend told me that I shouldn’t make rash decisions. Of course, that was before he got gonorrhea.
-Kevin Slane (@KSlane)
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 13 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Five

by 105%-O-Matic on

If you can read this, keep on doing so.

I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.
-Kevin Wong
Automatic flush toilets
God’s way of telling me to stop taking pictures of my poop.
-Matt Topic
The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big
When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”
-Joe G
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
-Greg Hurst
I didn’t realize just how ugly I was until I got a hemorrhoid on my face.
-Cock Blockula
Literature can be dangerous. I’ve seen a story plot, a rhyme scheme, and a novel straight up murder three guys outside an Arby’s.
-David Fromstein
If fate is a cruel mistress, does that mean I’m destined to cheat on my wife?
-Greg Berg
People think it’s weird that I wear protection while masturbating, but who knows what kind of germs are on the public library’s keyboard.
-Drew Cameron
I have fond memories of the boy scouts, but it’s funny, I don’t remember earning that Star of David merit badge they sewed onto my sleeve.
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 9 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Four

by 105%-O-Matic on

Your New Year’s resolution

I’m so glad 2011 is here, my birthday’s this year!
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
Just visited the Empire State Building or as I like to call it, “America’s Boner.”
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
My friends and I were Goths in grade school. During recess we’d sit by ourselves and plot a defense against the invading Hunnic Empire.
-Conor McKeon
Buzz Lightyear settles down
“To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio. “Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.
-Alex Watt
I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.
-Connor Dowd
My dog urinated on my cocaine stash, I had to rub her nose in it.
-Seamus O’Naraigh
When my grandpa died, I came into some money. I use sexual fetishes to cope with loss.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 11 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Three

by 105%-O-Matic on

As leaked by Julian Assange

I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Everyday it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sh*t out.
-Conor McKeon
I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up And Stole Their Mug.”
-Brian Murphy (@CHMurph)
Did You Know?
The preferred term to describe a Glee fanatic is not “Glaggot.”
-Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch)
My uncle always talks trash when we play one-on-one. Like, “Biodegradable plastics are rapidly emerging.” Or, “Shoot a three you pussy.”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
If I’ve learned anything from masturbation, it’s how to type with my left hand.
-Dan Kurkowski
Last week I joined a satanic cult. You know, for the hell of it.
-Stephen Kropa
I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.
-Phil Morello
If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel, you should take the Spaniel.
-Kent Doss
People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.
-Dan Hamilton
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 26 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Two

by 105%-O-Matic on

Now That’s What I Call One-Liners! 142

Meat is Self-Defense.
-Andrew Caudill
Buying pants is a lot like watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It’s sort of funny the first time they shrink, but every time after that you just get really mad at Rick Moranis.
-Alex Watt
Regrets
They say you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do do. Except when it’s in your pants.
-Mayor McCheesy
If Ben Roethlisberger used any more force to get sex, he’d be a Jedi.
-Alex Collins
I saw a homeless person consulting a real estate firm. He told me he was thinking outside the box.
-The NTC
A parent’s death hits the youngest child hardest; surely it’s no different for Michael Jackson’s. That could be a Blanket statement though.
-@WiseguyPictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I can’t believe they’re banning Four Loko for everyone. They should just ban it for people under 21.
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.
-Kyle H
Give a fish a fish, and you introduce the concept of slavery to an entire species. Teach a fish to fish, and you make him a mythical, nightmarish murderer feared by his own kind. So maybe just stay away from fish, okay?
-Judd Havinger
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 22 comments
105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty One

by 105%-O-Matic on

Live from the internet, it’s 105%!

I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.
-Matt Powers
Some things are better left unsaid. Like cliches.
-Andrew Hastings (@AndrewHastings)
I park in handicapped spots, which I think is fine because I’m morally handicapped.
-Lev Novak
Don’t cry over spilled milk, unless your friend is drowning in it.
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.
-The NTC
Is it still considered manslaughter if it’s a woman? And if it’s on purpose?
-Sarah Hubschman
Music to My Fears
I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
My best friend and I once got into an argument, where he told me that I never listen and only hear what I want to hear. Then he retracted it and complemented me on the size of my penis.
-Simon Hall
Click here to submit your own 105%.
Or tweet joke @CH105percent on Twitter
Keep Reading »
| 25 comments