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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Sixty

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If tears came out like soft serve, I think all the world’s sadness would solve itself.
-Steve Etheridge @Stetheridge
I like Ultimate Frisbee because it doesn’t have to deal with the convoluted continuity issues of regular Frisbee.
-Andrew Bridman @AndyBridgman
The only people on the subway I feel worse for than the homeless are the good-looking. If they had any sort of a break in life, they’d be taking a cab.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
My girlfriend and I just aborted triplets. We posthumously named them Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Let’s face it you guys defeatism will never be a thing
-Julie Shain @JulieShain
It’s called a food court cause if you eat there, you are giving the world permission to judge you.
-Ryan Purtill @RyanPurtill
If you put your mind to it, you can make any dream a reality. And that, officers, is why I walked into this high school Calculus exam naked.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Nine

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It’s important to be conservative with water. That’s why when I shower I just redistribute the cleanliness amongst the already clean.
-Julie Shain @JulieShain
I don’t know why I even bother eating tangerines if people are going to keep growing more. We’re never going to finish them that way.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It’s too bad you can’t attend your own funeral. I’d really love to hear what everyone has to say about where they’re going to eat afterwards.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Nothing screams “gay” like my stepdad at me.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Lost my debit card over the weekend and someone used it to buy $200 worth of Korean Wizard Porn, AND they delivered it to MY apartment!
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
“There’s nothing ‘special’ about this rape victim. Let’s go home and play videogames, Munch.” -weird episode of Law & Order: SVU
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Recent polls show that more than 99 percent of women refuse to have phone sex with pollsters.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Eight

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Whichever ad exec wrote “There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s” is more than welcome to help me dislodge this peanut butter cup from my ear.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
My inferiority complex is not as good as everybody else’s.
-Ryan Purtill @RyanPurtill
I’m not racyclist, but I think bikes should have their own lanes.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
If the guy’s pants are on fire, give him a fucking break about being a liar liar for a second.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
My prison inmates got mad at me for dropping the brand new soap. They really tore me a new one.
-Daniel Kim
I don’t like to mix business with pleasure. That’s why I never bring my laptop to work.
-John Baglio
If clowns are comedians for children, does that technically make them statutory japists?
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Seven

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The worst is when you find out the hot tub ISN’T a time machine and you’re just sitting there with your “PRESIDENT LINCOLN! DUCK!” sign.
-Steve Etheridge @Stetheridge
Why is it that whenever someone tries to talk about how much they love natural foods, it’s never brought up in the conversation organically?
-Andrew Caudill
Does Just For Men “Touch of Gray” work on pubes? I don’t want my genitals to look too old, but I don’t want them to lack experience either.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
$7 for popcorn?! They better be sprinkled with gold, cause I got horrible metal poisoning after eating it.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
What do you call someone who refuses to attend Ne-Yo concerts?
A Ne-Yo Not-See.
-Hannah Jones
Rastafarians don’t think too highly of Mormons, they’re more into the whole “one love” thing.
-Alexander Cooper
Conspiracy Theory
Do you think it’s just a COINCIDENCE that EVERY conspiracy theory is ultimately INNACURATE? Or is REALITY pulling the strings!?
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Six

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They say no news is good news, but it’s probably bad news if all the world’s news outlets have been destroyed.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but there are no good ways to explain why you have all those skinned cats in your basement.
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Just hard, fast punches.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
Methamphetamines are actually way easier done than said.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I Hardly Ever Finish My One-Liners
They call me the PunBail Wiza
-Dan Abromowitz
I used to consider myself quite The Thinker, until my aching wrist forced me to stop it.
-Alex Ringgaard @AlexRinggaard
If disappointing others was an Olympic event, I’d probably sleep through the qualifiers.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Five

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I don’t want to sound homophobic, but I don’t think gay male grizzly bear couples should be allowed to raise kids. They usually eat them.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I recently fell into some money. Unfortunately it was only 5 bucks, so I broke my nose.
-Mike Fagan
I’m starting to feel kind of guilty for flushing the Indian in my cupboard down the toilet. Sorry, I mean Native American.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I’m going to start calling my testicles “horses.” That way when anyone says “Hold your horses” I’ll have something fun to do.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Technically speaking, until someone starts paying you to be a member of the working class, you’re just an amateurletarian.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Early stage pyramid schemes are known as “ziggurat schemes.”
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Four

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“I cracked the case.” – detective who just dropped his iPhone
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
“Those who delete their internet history are doomed to repeat it.”
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
Bragging about being a “real New Yorker” is just an optimistic way of admitting you’re poorly traveled.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It turns out my grandfather was lying when he said “I’ve got your nose!” The nose belonged to a drifter.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Worst Car Game Ever
I’m thinking of a word between a and z. Ok go.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme
-Brandon Richie @brichie13
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Three

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Carmen Sandiego could have made a lot of kids feel really stupid if she had just hidden in San Diego.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
“Party hard!” – caveman with Social Anxiety Disorder
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
I’d like to meet the king whose only demand is four peanut-butter cups per package.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
My weight loss plan isn’t going so well. I’ve mowed down several gypsies with my Subaru, but no one has cursed me “thinner” yet.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
When in roam, do as the buffalos do.
-Daniel Krantman
What does a porn star eat on her birthday? Buk-cakey.
-Bryce Humphrey
Stockings are like condoms, they look weird, are uncomfortable, and are real “day ruiners” when they tear.
-Brendan H. Banks @Brendan_H_Banks
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Two

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Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
When push comes to shove, you’re definitely delivering the baby wrong.
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I hate to be a pain in the ass, but I’m all out of lube.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
When somebody asks me to turn the dishwasher on, I walk into the kitchen and take my pants off.
-Steve Cambridge
I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I’m a skeptic, but because I have a sodium addiction.
-James Bradford
I had nothing to do one day, so I decided to read the Bible. I guess you could call me a “bored again” Christian.
-Danielle K
My boyfriend is such a grammar Nazi, I miss one period and he acts like my life is over.
-J Klinesauce.
I’m such a feminist that my girlfriend cums on MY tits.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty One

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There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.
-Rich Piepho
Lately I’ve been trying to live every day like it’s my last, at least that’s my excuse for sneaking into the hospital and stealing that woman’s morphine drip.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
“Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and ROFL!” – LOLzymandias
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Drug-dealer-turned-schizophrenic-housekeeper upon being handed a Swiffer
“You know you have to tell me if you’re a mop, right?”
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
I’m really in touch with myself. Especially at night.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
I’d be a born again Christian, but I don’t think I’d fit in my mom’s uterus anymore. Also, I worship Satan.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
I’m a robot. Need proof? I have never once typed a CAPTCHA correctly on the first try.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty

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I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the subway. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big to sit on my lap anyway.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
You’d think Republicans would approve some of Obama’s proposals. At least the ones thought of with the white half of his brain
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Pokemon Jock Jams
BIDOOF! THERE IT IS
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Temple of Doom Pickup Line
“The second you ripped his heart out was the moment you took hold of mine.”
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I got 99 problems and being sued for sexual harassment after calling a woman I work with a “bitch” is most of them.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
I have no self-control when it comes to food. If it’s in front of me, I’m going to make sweet,sweet love to it.
-Rich Piepho
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Nine

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In like a lion, out like a slightly more warm lion.

Backward fitted caps, a father and a failure, goatees everywhere.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
Pretty sure I could beat Watson in any eating contest. In fact, that goes for any computer. Except maybe the IBM Eat-o-Tron 4000.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore
-Justin Lesser
Whenever I’m having a rough day and need some positives in my life, I do addition.
-Daniel Ritchey
New York is so expensive. I already spent 60 bucks today and all I’ve done is eat lunch and get mugged.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Racist
I don’t mean to sound racist, but every time I say “I don’t mean to sound racist” I sound pretty racist.
-Lev Novak
If you can’t stand the Heat, the Orlando Magic aren’t bad.
-Michael Gladstone
When I want to relax, I play Tetris. But when I REALLY want to relax, I stop playing Tetris.
-Rich Piepho
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Eight

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The only Internet joke article with both tiger blood and Adonis DNA

I usually don’t mind being called “Chief” or “Boss” by a waiter, but “Infallible Table Pope” seems a bit much.
-Steve Powers
One day I’m going to start a mother-son dating site called Oedipal Arrangements.
-Bryan Berlin @Berlination
If Life gives you lemons, then you are playing a ridiculously specific version. Normally it’s just like “have a kid” or “get a job”.
-David Fromstein
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#
-Rich Piepho
I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.
-Mike Fagan
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was a reverse 360 ollie while listening to some Reel Big Fish tunes.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Umbrellas are like wands with only one spell, “Keepmeo Dryo.”
-Rj Zarate
Call me old-fashioned, but I think the guy should be the one who asks the girl out. If granted permission from the Sun God, Ra, of course.
-Connor Dowd
I don’t usually get stage fright, but the guy using the urinal next to mine keeps staring at me. I’ll never be able to sh*t now.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Seven

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Eat your lousy chocolate-filled heart out

2012: get rich or die Mayan
-Steph Belsky (@stephbelsky)
I’m so obsessed with cleanliness, I wash my hands BEFORE I go to the bathroom instead.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Black Guy’s Twitter Update When He Walks Into A Store
@StoreEmployee is now following you.
-Conor McKeon
Anyone that says soup is filling was already full of sh*t to begin with.
-Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt)
I used to be REALLY into legos, but then I learned how to masturbate.
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
What’s the hottest new trend in Frat-house architecture? Natural light, brah!
-Michael Musgrave
Stereotypes
I like to go to the mall and yell stereotypes at Asian families, like “Sony HT-SF470 Surround Sound Home Theater System!”
-Patrick Merryman (@PatrickMerryman)
I’m not usually one to wax poetic, but have you seen Emily Dickinson’s bikini line lately?
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Six

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LOLscar Nominated

Amateur cartoonists strip their way through college
-Jon Wolf (@jwolftweets)
Girls that I can’t have sex with are completely ineffable
-Tom Philip (@tommphilip)
Of all the problems plaguing the Spiderman musical, installing “Clap On Clap Off” lights in the theater has to be among the dumbest.
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
“I’d love to, but I have to help a friend move” is always an honest excuse if you’re a ventriloquist.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. The recent cold weather changed my mind.
-Marc Shalet
I went to get my grandfather creamated, but I was disappointed with the lack of flavors
-Zack Loft
I refuse to bungee jump. I came into this world by a broken rubber and I won’t leave it the same way.
-Santos Miranda
I don’t understand why people are so amazed when i say my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most german officers did.
-Sven Sic
My friend told me that I shouldn’t make rash decisions. Of course, that was before he got gonorrhea.
-Kevin Slane (@KSlane)
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Five

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If you can read this, keep on doing so.

I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.
-Kevin Wong
Automatic flush toilets
God’s way of telling me to stop taking pictures of my poop.
-Matt Topic
The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big
When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”
-Joe G
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
-Greg Hurst
I didn’t realize just how ugly I was until I got a hemorrhoid on my face.
-Cock Blockula
Literature can be dangerous. I’ve seen a story plot, a rhyme scheme, and a novel straight up murder three guys outside an Arby’s.
-David Fromstein
If fate is a cruel mistress, does that mean I’m destined to cheat on my wife?
-Greg Berg
People think it’s weird that I wear protection while masturbating, but who knows what kind of germs are on the public library’s keyboard.
-Drew Cameron
I have fond memories of the boy scouts, but it’s funny, I don’t remember earning that Star of David merit badge they sewed onto my sleeve.
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Four

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Your New Year’s resolution

I’m so glad 2011 is here, my birthday’s this year!
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
Just visited the Empire State Building or as I like to call it, “America’s Boner.”
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
My friends and I were Goths in grade school. During recess we’d sit by ourselves and plot a defense against the invading Hunnic Empire.
-Conor McKeon
Buzz Lightyear settles down
“To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio. “Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.
-Alex Watt
I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.
-Connor Dowd
My dog urinated on my cocaine stash, I had to rub her nose in it.
-Seamus O’Naraigh
When my grandpa died, I came into some money. I use sexual fetishes to cope with loss.
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Three

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As leaked by Julian Assange

I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Everyday it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sh*t out.
-Conor McKeon
I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up And Stole Their Mug.”
-Brian Murphy (@CHMurph)
Did You Know?
The preferred term to describe a Glee fanatic is not “Glaggot.”
-Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch)
My uncle always talks trash when we play one-on-one. Like, “Biodegradable plastics are rapidly emerging.” Or, “Shoot a three you pussy.”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
If I’ve learned anything from masturbation, it’s how to type with my left hand.
-Dan Kurkowski
Last week I joined a satanic cult. You know, for the hell of it.
-Stephen Kropa
I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.
-Phil Morello
If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel, you should take the Spaniel.
-Kent Doss
People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.
-Dan Hamilton
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Two

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Now That’s What I Call One-Liners! 142

Meat is Self-Defense.
-Andrew Caudill
Buying pants is a lot like watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It’s sort of funny the first time they shrink, but every time after that you just get really mad at Rick Moranis.
-Alex Watt
Regrets
They say you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do do. Except when it’s in your pants.
-Mayor McCheesy
If Ben Roethlisberger used any more force to get sex, he’d be a Jedi.
-Alex Collins
I saw a homeless person consulting a real estate firm. He told me he was thinking outside the box.
-The NTC
A parent’s death hits the youngest child hardest; surely it’s no different for Michael Jackson’s. That could be a Blanket statement though.
-@WiseguyPictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I can’t believe they’re banning Four Loko for everyone. They should just ban it for people under 21.
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.
-Kyle H
Give a fish a fish, and you introduce the concept of slavery to an entire species. Teach a fish to fish, and you make him a mythical, nightmarish murderer feared by his own kind. So maybe just stay away from fish, okay?
-Judd Havinger
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105%-O-Matic
105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty One

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Live from the internet, it’s 105%!

I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.
-Matt Powers
Some things are better left unsaid. Like cliches.
-Andrew Hastings (@AndrewHastings)
I park in handicapped spots, which I think is fine because I’m morally handicapped.
-Lev Novak
Don’t cry over spilled milk, unless your friend is drowning in it.
-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)
In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.
-The NTC
Is it still considered manslaughter if it’s a woman? And if it’s on purpose?
-Sarah Hubschman
Music to My Fears
I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)
My best friend and I once got into an argument, where he told me that I never listen and only hear what I want to hear. Then he retracted it and complemented me on the size of my penis.
-Simon Hall
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