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If you go to clown college, what do you call the funniest guy in class?
What They Should Say
If it ain’t broke, then you need to fix your grammar.Buzz Lightyear doesn’t understand the definition of infinity.
Happiness
If money can’t buy happiness, shouldn’t pizza, pot & sex be free?The Ordinary Edition.
Howie Mandel
Howie Mandel’s soulpatch makes him look like he tried to grow a Hitler-stache but missed by a few inches.Things Considered “A Waste of Time” By Luke Skywalker’s Uncle
1. Protecting the galaxy2. Picking up power converters
Anonymous
All Alcoholics are Anonymous. After that many drinks, I can’t remember my name either.Grammar
Drink, drank, drunk. Not a grammar lesson. A progression.Hamburglar
Shouldn’t the Hamburglar be called the Hamburger Burglar?Friends’ Moms
I’m gonna watch ’70s porn until I find a movie with one of my friends’ moms in it.Suitable for all ages except the Renaissance.
Door knobs have the most germs, we should stop telling people to slob on them.
I thought it was ironic that my girlfriend had to work on “Labor” Day, though I’m assuming irony wasn’t the first thought of whoever had to clean up the placenta in her cubicle.
I’ve known my best friend since we were in diapers. We met in 7th grade. Middle school was kind of awkward…
Screw Top Wines…
The motto of the people who drink them.Not suitable for children and the eternally young.
“Saw VI” Used In A Sentence
I Saw VI versions of the same movie.Planet of the Apes!
Charlton Heston: APES enslaving HUMANS? Everything in this world is backwards!Dr. Zaius: So you had ape slaves?
I got a DUI, but in my defense I had no idea I was driving.
Mad Rex
Every novel is post-apocalyptic if you’re a dinosaur.Y2K10 Compatible.
The Commandment Moses “Lost” on the Way Down From Mount Sinai
11. Thou shalt stone to death he who brought these Commandments downI got thrown out of my company’s annual family picnic, because apparently there are multiple ways to interpret the term “sack race.”
You Know You’re an Alcoholic if…
…your bottle-opener-chain has some keys on it.I imagine
If you put a scale upside down on the floor it would just explode under the weight of the world.I tried selling drugs to kids but they were too smart. They have someone test coke before they buy.
Literature’s junk drawer.
I was looking at the javelins for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, “Check surroundings for people before throwing.” Shouldn’t that be standard procedure for everything sharp?
Uncomfortable Riddle
A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, “I can’t operate on this boy, I’m a woman!”I’ve been having a rough week. My dog was stolen, my car was run over, and my doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia.
Never put an exclamation mark at the end of “iPhone.” It just looks like you’re yelling the word “Phone” in Spanish.
The perfect amount to shake a stick at
This tear-free shampoo works great, but I still really miss my dead parents.
The best way to hide an erection is to stand next to someone with a bigger erection.
Native Americans discovered America before everyone else. Does that make them the first hipsters?
When I get on stage it’s like I take on a whole new persona. It’s amazing how one second I’m just a regular, “Average Joe” and the next I’m “guy getting wailed on by security for interrupting Ms. Morissette’s performance.”
I saw a vagrant checking Facebook at the library the other day. It was so sad seeing him get an error message every time he clicked “home.”
I Read A Book About Mongolian Literature
It was ok, I guess. It had its prose and Khans.Please remove tinfoil suit for better reception.
A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.
Next time you see a porn star lying on one of those heart-shaped beds, take a minute to remember the human-shaped bed who donated it before it died.
I hear Danny Glover hates to watch himself act in his movies. I never knew we had so much in common
Whistling…”
It’s just a louder way of breathing.Christian Bale: SNL’s Greatest Host
“OK, Christian, we’re gonna need you to drop 30lbs for the hobo sketch and then gain 50 for the Batman parody. Also, the green body paint arrived for your Kermit impression.”Santa’s not real — he’s just so phony.
So I got this new bumper sticker that I really like. It reads, MY ONLY CAR IS MY BIKE. I went to put it on and realized I had a problem: I have no hands.
I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.
If I had a live karaoke band, I wouldn’t tell people I had a live karaoke band. I would just say we’ve been auditioning front men for over twenty years.
I think every poison should be named after the largest thing it can kill. So instead of “Rat Poison” it should be “Human Poison.” And instead of every other poison, it should be “Human Poison.”
How many illegal immigrants does it take to build an office park?
Damned if I’m gonna find out! U-S-A, U-S-A!Smoking kills. Especially when it’s a smoking hotel full of people.
I’m a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.
I went on a raw food diet. I’m only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and anything else they sell at WWE Raw.
I am terrible with the Internet and computers. I realized this the other day when I was online and couldn’t find any pornography.
My boyfriend and I fight about the future a lot. I want two boys and a girl, and he thinks the Earth is going to be destroyed by robots in 2023.
I wonder if fish vaginas sometimes smell like human.
I recently gave a speech at a nudist colony. I was nervous, so I imagined everyone in the crowd with their skin off.
Returning after two-month’s rest in Dover.
I got my dog from an orphanage like, twelve years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.
The Invention of the Flame-thrower
At some point in time someone must have though I really want to light that guy on fire, but I can’t reach him.When you’re fat, every shirt is a sweat-shirt.
I tried to do what Jesus would do,
but it’s harder to start a cult then you would think.An issue for every day of the year.
(You don’t count May through August, right?)
“I’m drunk, you’re Asian, let’s f*ck,” has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, “That’s weird, I don’t have any kids.”
Proud Thoughts on Obama’s Inauguration
This must be how white people felt when George Washington became President.My dog threw up yesterday all over my hand, because that’s what I shoved down its mouth.
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you’re a pussy?
What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, “Why.”
Time Machines
Is the fact that we don’t see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?Drug Test
I figured I had failed my company’s drug test because I put “C” for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.Go Tarheels. Not the team, the horrific rare animals.
The only thing more satisfying than peeing in the pool is peeing into the pool.
Every toilet is a bidet if you’re desperate.
She thinks she’s my girlfriend, but it’s really just a 146-night stand.
Cannibalism
I have enough meat on my body to feed me for the rest of my life.When I was a kid I used to dunk on a 7’ hoop in my driveway and wait for an NBA scout to drive by and draft me. Unfortunately the chance of that happening was very slim; I lived in a culdesac.
Suitable for ages 8 and 11.
Saw the new movie MILK. Went with some acid-producing bacteria though — totally spoiled it for me.
Before I got with girls I would watch porn for pointers. The first time I was with a girl she said, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?” And I said, “What’s a kiss?”
Opinion
When i give my opinion I like to say that I give my 2 cents, which given the state of the economy is worthless, much like my opinion.How they named Delaware
Explorer: Where am I? Native: DelawzqeuxquzrenapolisExplorer: Delawhere?If funerals were like college parties
How did I know the deceased? I didn’t, but one of my friends did and said there would be free beer.Brought to you by James’ Bond, the world’s most exciting financial guide.
My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.
How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it’s $3.99 a minute?
All statues are of people riding a horse, and waving a sword. In the future will all statues be of people in cars, waving a sword?
My dog’s daily planner
1. Sleep
2. Sit on human’s face to wake it up
3. Lick own genitalia
4. Sleep
5. Poop….a lot.
6. Sleep
7. Bark at nothing
8. Poop in the house
9. Lick own anus.
10. Stare at human until it gives me food
11. Poop
12.Sleep
This will be on the test.
Urinals are just God’s way of telling us our khakis didn’t have enough pee on them.
I locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I’m on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle.
I taught my dog to sit, lay down, roll over and bark — all at random times of his choosing.
The Hardest Question To Answer, For Two Reasons
Colorblind Toddler: Mommy, why is the sky green?Is it still called jock itch if it developed from the ball sweat during my 5-hour chess game?
I buy oregano from drug dealers in the hopes that they accidentally give me weed.
I like to hit on older women with lots of tattoos. If I can’t find any, I’ll just have a few drinks and settle for varicose veins.
Shark Week
Did you hear the one about the appendix? It’s a real side-splitter!
I walked in on my parents having sex
You should see my face on the video tapeConfused Entourage Fan at the Emmys
“How the hell did Kevin Dillon miss out on a best drama nomination again?”Douchebag? Or Schizophrenic Douchebag?
I think my sick Ed Hardy shirt speaks for itself.I just got done reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were incredible.
Our Monthly Holiday Issue!
My argument for white pizza
Warm toasted bread, melted cheese, and mashed vegetables. Which of these doesn’t belong? Also, I’m racist.Definitions for “Waffle Balls”
1.Delicious dessert topping, 2.Aftermath of sitting on a tennis racketAnimaniacs is a funnier version of Entourage.
A couple years ago I was going to make my own TV station, like BET, but for white people. I ended up deciding against it, partially because I didn’t want to become another example of white people ripping off black culture, and mostly because it sounded horribly racist.
I think the second worst part about being in a Pretenders cover band is you’re destined to only come up with the second most appropriate name possible. The worst part, of course, is the fact that you’re in a Pretenders cover band.
Why do old people become hard of hearing when their ears get so damn big?
300 Hours Free!
Do cowboys just call them hats?
Allergies
When I was little I was allergic to strawberries. Last week I tried a strawberry, and to my surprise, I still hate my mother.God doesn’t get mad. He gets even.
I was sober for 12 years. And then I turned 12.
Women face a glass ceiling when it comes to professional basketball. Roughly the bottom of the backboard.
I was reading this book the other day and I couldn’t decide if the word was pronounced “caramel” or “carmel.” It ends up the word is pronounced “karma,” and it’s pretty fitting because I just murdered my English teacher.
