I believe it was Sigmund Freud who once said, “Sometimes horrific things just fall out of your mouth before you can muster up the strength to stop them. That’s just the worst, man, for real.”
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Graduation Week
Unless you become a teacher, your final final exam will be the last time you ever see a Blue Book. It’s not just that you will never again be asked to sit and prove your knowledge on a specific subject matter by scrawling bullsh*t your professor doesn’t actually want to read, but you cannot even find these blue books outside of school without ordering them from the manufacturer. So, if these books were going to be part of your hipster plan for post-grad-contemplative-note-taking-in-Starbucks, just stick with Moleskins. If you’re a normal person, rejoice! Your fate will no longer be tied to those haphazardly stapled pages of doom. It will be tied to important stuff, like how much your boss likes you.
Your actual Facebook news feed won’t teach you anything but how many of your old friends from high school listen to Glee albums on Spotify. This news feed has real news and somehow it’s even more depressing. Enjoy!
Starbucks recently leaked their “Secret Menu,” but the rabbit hole goes much deeper. We got a hold of their Secret Secret menu, plus the secret items of other fast food giants. Try these out, and let us know how it goes!
Wherever in the world novelty food items break, our fad food correspondent, Jon Gabrus, will be there to eat it and report back. Have a tip? Send it to us at CHWanderlunch@Gmail.com
This weekend we sent Jon Gabrus to Dubai to eat Pizza Hut Middle East’s Crown Crust Carnival Cheeseburger Pizza. Here is his report.
One time, after college, I was out drinking with some co-workers and randomly ended up at Port Authority Bus Terminal and headed to Atlantic City at like 1 in the morning. I thought this was a pretty bad ass, spontaneous, and over-indulgent thing to do.
Until Thursday night when I got the call seeing if I was free this weekend to fly to Dubai. Yup that’s right, Gabrus flying to Dubai on a moment’s notice. What a baller!
I had never been, I didn’t know anything about it, but Collegehumor wanted me to go take on The Crown Crust Carnival Pizza from Pizza Hut Middle East. Yes, that is correct, I was going to fly 13 hours, 6,850 miles, just to eat a pizza with cheeseburgers baked into the crust. Disgusting? I know. And I could not wait.
I woke up at 7:30AM in Brooklyn on Friday, got into a cab and in a short time ended up in Dubai in the UAE on Saturday at 9AM. Time flies when you drink 2 bottles of red wine and watch 6 movies as you fly halfway across the world.
I have never been in the Middle East, certainly never by myself, and certainly never with the sole reason being for me to eat at a restaurant. A chain restaurant. An AMERICAN chain restaurant. My inner Brooklyn Hipster was severely disappointed, but my outer Fat Adventurer was severely stoked.
Now that Mitt Romney has all but sealed the deal as the Republican nominee (pick up the pace, Ron Paul), it’s time that he start considering potential running mates. Mitt is certainly lacking in the image department, so we here at CollegeHumor thought we would suggest some possibilities that might balance out the GOP ticket this year.
Rep. Paul Ryan
Pros:
– Chairman of the House Budget Committee; proposed a major budget plan
– From Janesville, Wisconsin; would capture the hearts of the Midwest
– Just a charming little gent
Cons:
– Two first names, can’t trust him
– Kind of gives off otter vibes
– A better ticket would be Ron Paul/Paul Ryan, with a cabinet including Rand Paul, late artist Paul Rand, and actor Ron Perlman. I’ll stop.
Sen. Marco Rubio
Pros:
– Charismatic rising star in the Republican Party
– Cuban-American; would help with the Latino vote
– The “Crown Prince” of the Tea Party
Cons:
– “Crown Prince” sounds weird
– Would constantly be interrupted by crowds of people shouting “Polo” when introducing himself
– Looks like he could be a young dad on some show on the CW
Last week, the Washington Post reported that as a senior at Cranbrook School, Mitt Romney cornered a student widely assumed to be gay, and forcibly cut his unconventional bleached-blond hair, while a posse of other students held him down. Romney denies any memory of the incident, but admits that he participated in many pranks back in the day, and still likes to joke around on the campaign trail.
MITT’S HILARIOUS IDEAS FOR FUN PRANKS AND LIGHT-HEARTED GOOFS IN 2012
- Tell someone it’s raining when it’s not (possible ad lib: “Bring an umbrella, friend!”)
- Whoopie cushions (meetings, fancy dinners, etc. – guaranteed slam dunk)
- Cut a gay’s hair against his will (bring it back? It was an A+ joke)
Parenting is a tough job, no one will ever tell you otherwise. Except probably these parents because they are obviously horrible people.
1.
If you’re this woman, you’re doing it wrong. When Patricia Krentcil’s freshly tanned five-year-old is old enough to be terrified of her mother’s face, she may put herself up for adoption. Sorry, sorry, that was harsh. Child Protective Services may do that first.
2.
Now, I’m not 100% on this because I’m not a parent or anything, but I don’t think you’re supposed to put anything with a heartbeat into a microwave. This also applies to your children. Once again, I’m no expert, but the baby crying hysterically in this picture totally has my back.
Everyone plans on studying for finals, but few actually get the job done. It’s like a bell curve, and that reference would actually make sense if you studied for your Stat final.
Dear Diary,
It’s me, ur favorite writer/pres. candidate/cute guy :P lol. how are u? (not like u can respond, i know, we’ve been over this haha). sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote, i’ve just been super distracted (pres campaign) but now i am BACK to writing!!! phew.
well i’ve got good news and bad news. good news: rick santorum pulled the plug on his campaign a while ago AND my hair looks really good today. bad news: my sleep has been super weird this week AND i am almost definitely never going to be president of the united states.
Exclusive Leaks
This past Tuesday, Justin Bieber told reporters that one of the new songs on his upcoming album, “Believe,” touched upon the false paternity accusation made by super fan Mariah Yeater. Yesterday we got our hands on a leaked draft of the song.
