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In Facebook’s new profile editor, you can now add “Life Events” to your timeline, including whether or not you’ve registered as an organ donor. Get off my back, Facebook. God! I’m getting to it.

1. Apply to be a counselor at space camp again.

2. Tone up that Newt-tastic six pack hiding beneath his doughy baby fat.

3. Start his own new VH1 Dating Show, “Newt of Love.”

4. Giggle and roll around with cuddly animals all day forever and ever.

5. Write, fund, direct, and star in “Newt”, a biopic about himself.

6. Dress up in his authentic Napoleon costume and strut around his house everyday in peace finally.

7. Look into that whole “child labor” thing, realize it maybe isn’t all like “Annie.”

8. Make kids cry at the really intense readings of his new children’s book about how the world isn’t fair and sometimes the most qualified people don’t become president even though they’re clearly the best person in America.

9. Marry for love.

10. Challenge himself to a series of seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates inside the fort he built in his living room, win each one, go to sleep smiling.

6:00 AM – Wakes up in the Lincoln bedroom, stretches, looks himself in the mirror, and says “You got this, buddy.”

6:02 AM – Prays.

6:03 AM – Brushes his presidential teeth with presidential toothpaste. Flosses. Thinks about war.

6:05 AM – Plays with Bo.

6:07 AM – Plays with Joe Biden.

6:30 AM – Does some cardio in the White House gym. Then resistance training (low weight, high reps for toning). Remembers how much life he has the power to end at any given moment.

1. Put on his red hat and go back to making E.L. Fudge cookies.

2. Angrily stomp around his house wailing about nothing in particular.

3. Rabble-rouse.

After his successful performance at last week’s White House Correspondent’s Dinner, President Obama has decided to sharpen his comedic chops and try his hand at insult comedy. Which is pretty weird of him.

It’s no secret that a lot of folks out there are hurting. Yes, some due to hunting accidents. But mostly I’m referring to the economy. Families struggle daily to make ends meet, and while we’ve seen improvement, there’s still more work to be done.

Now, normally this is where I would urge you to cast a vote for me in November so that we don’t revert back to the dangerous and misguided economic policies that got us into this whole mess in the first place.

But there’s no need for that now, because I’ve invented a time machine.

Many of you are no doubt celebrating. With the ability to time travel, we can go back and cure diseases. End wars. See our loved ones who’ve since passed on. Fact-check Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor. Invent baseball.

Or, we could travel ahead. Prevent the next pandemic. Combat poverty. Witness our nation’s highways dominated by Segways. See if Scientology’s still going.

But we’re not doing any of that. Instead, we’re going back to 2008.

So I needed to take down a bag of laundry to the laundry machines in the basement. And I figured, “Oh, along the way, lemme take out the trash!” Which by the way, was disgusting. (cleaned out my fridge last night…) Food scraps. Expired milk. The whole nine yards.

So I am dragging these two large bags — one filled with stinky, disgusting, garbage, and one filled with my clothes. I toss the garbage bag down the trash chute (or so I thought! More on this later…) and made my way to the washing machine with my “clothes.”

I put all my “clothes” in the washing machine, load the detergent, start the machines and wait 45 minutes for the “clothes” to wash. I stay down there the whole time, reading a book (“City of Thieves.” Amazing.) The washing machine dings, I take out my “clothes” and move them to the dryer. Not noticing ANYTHING. Okay, keep in mind, the entire time I’m down there, all I smell is garbage. It’s disgusting.

Illustrated by Henry Alexander