Guy Sitting in the Back Looking At His Watch: Oh! Oh! Call on Jim Peterson! Jim Peterson! His hand has been in the air for, like, a minute now. Call on him, he always knows the answer! Man, how is he able to hold his hand up in the air for so long? I am so impressed with his dedication despite the fact that his arm must be exhausted by now. Whoops, better check my watch again. I don't do it to see how much time is left in class, but merely to time how quickly Jim gets the answers to each and every question. He's brilliant. Every time I grumble "Shut up, you loser" under my breath, I'm just talking to anyone else who may be interrupting Jim while he asks a question or answers one. I wish I could tell him how much I respect and admire him, but I have to leave class really fast so I can tell all of my friends about how awesome he is.

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Turning for the homestretch, Big Brown swept past Recapturetheglory, who had taken a narrow lead from Cowboy Cal, and from there it was just a formality as Big Brown cruised to the finish line.

Your heart sank when you lost the 20 bones you just forked over to the sketchy guy at the party with the bag of cash. But the real tears came when Eight Bells sighed a final horsie breath right there on the track.

You thought nothing could bring a smile to your face. Even Cinco de Mayo margaritas were a little saltier this year, from your tears. But, then, Thursday night came around, and you started to feel your heart race again.

Because it's Lost night, kids!

Here's what went down this week, in an underage girl's uterus:

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the annoying conservative chick from The View shows off her bikini=ready body after popping out two kids. Too bad she's a mom only John McCain would LTF. [CelebSlam]

This is my favorite picture of the week - it involves British lingerie models and Sex and the City. CLICK! [CelebSlam]

Former supermodel Stephanie Seymour is not important, but her weird nipple-showing dress sure is! [IDLYITW]

Amy Winehouse was arrested again this week for more crack crap, not for this ridiculous outfit. [WWTDD]  KEEP READING

- Did you know that Mother's day is just like Father's day, but for chicks?

- Did you know that your mother actually didn't like that pencil holder you gave her? She's never used it.

- Did you know that the best Mother's Day gift is one that comes from the heart... or from Nordstroms?

- Did you know that you're probably just going to get her flowers you lazy bastard?

- Did you know it's not normal to confuse Mother's Day with Valentine's Day? Seriously dude, it's your mom.

- Did you know that Mother's Day is the second saddest day of the year for orphans? The first saddest day is the day their parents abandoned them.

- Did you know that a greeting card hardly makes up for ignoring your mother all year Kevin?

- Did you know Mother's Day was originally a pagan holiday celebrating brunch?

- Did you know that the only thing greater than your mother's love for you is her disappointment?

- Did you know in Australia they celebrate Mother's Day counterclockwise?

- Did you know there's no such thing as Almost Mother's Day? Choose Life!

 

 

Let's face it, Super Hero movies nowadays are either hit or miss.

There are the ones that absolutely dominated; Batman Begins, Spider-Man, and X-Men. Then there are the ones that we'd rather not think about/mention in public; Elektra, Cat Woman, Dare Devil, etc. With all the trailers and press releases for the countless comic book movies on the horizon, it's totally expected to be nervous about which ones will be great and which ones will suck, but rest assured - Iron Man is incredible.

Incredible in that 'you're really drunk and just found an all night diner' kind of way. Incredible in that 'you're at the drive through and you realize you have exact change' kind of way. Out of all the crap floating around in theaters right now, Iron Man is breath of fresh air in a huge way.

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For many of you graduation is approaching fast, like a charging grizzly bear. Is it time to finally face the brutal mauling of real life? Just answer these six simple questions and find out!

Who is supporting you right now?
Loans, loans, loans (0 points)
Some tuition is covered by parents or scholarships, I pay the rest (1 point)
My parents pay tuition, I have a job for spending money (2 points)
My parents pay my tuition and expenses (3 points)

How many years have you been at school?
6 years or more (0 points)
5 years (1 point)
4 years (2 points)
3 years or less (3 points)

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A hive of bees is alive and bustling. A human approaches, and is noticed by one of the bees, who turns to the swarm in a panic.

Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!

(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)

Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!

Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-

(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)

Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?

Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?

(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)

Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?

Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.

(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.

English: Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

Communication: Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

Philosophy: Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

Contra: Up up down down left right left right B A start

Business: Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

Biology: Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

Elementary Education: Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

Art: Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

Physics: Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
 

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Buyer: I'll give you $5,000 for it.
Homeowner: Are you crazy? I just paid $100,000 for it in January. Haven't you heard of value appreciation?
Buyer: All I'm hearing is that your house is used.
Homeowner: Hardly. I spent like 2 days there in March and then 6 hours yesterday. This house is in perfect condition.
Buyer: Oh yeah, what's this note above the backdoor?
Homeowner: It says, "Low door. Mind your head."
Buyer: Low door, huh?
Homeowner: Yeah, but that's not a problem. It's just a feature of the house. It's supposed to be like that. That's just a helpful note in case people didn't notice the height of the door.
Buyer: It sullies the whole house. The whole house is crap because of that note!
Homeowner: What are you talking about? This isn't even a pretty house.
Buyer: So you admit it!
Homeowner: Yeah. It's a stupid looking house on a boring block, but people still want to buy it. Haven't you heard of supply and demand?
Buyer: Nope. And I'm not going to give you more than $5,000 for this dump. That's just policy.
Homeowner: What are you talking about? What policy?
Buyer: Just policy.
Homeowner: Well, maybe I won't sell it to you. Who knows, I might need this house in the future. It's got pretty cool...faucets. I might want to use those. Ugh, fine. Give me the stupid 5 grand.
Buyer: Great doing business with you.
Ex-Buyer: Attention, all prospective buyers! Who wants to buy this fantastic, mint-condition home for $90,000?
Ex-Homeowner: What?!
Ex-Buyer: Sucker.
 

 

 

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Left-Side-Of-Brain: Hmm, what do you want to dream about tonight, Hank?
Right Brain: Falling off a cliff?
Left Brain: ...You always say that...
Right Brain: How about that cute girl in English? I'd like to anec her dote!
Left Brain: Not tonight, Jason's with his girlfriend.
Right Brain: Fine party-pooper, you start us off...
Left Brain: Alright. Jason, you are playing Guess Who in your living room. All your friends and family are there. You guess your opponent's character in one turn. Everyone goes nuts! Someone hands you a prize. You open it.
Right Brain: It's a big, black dildo! Then you start making out with Lindsay Lohan!
Left Brain: Huh?
Right Brain: Out of nowhere you starting falling from an airplane! Oh crap, your penis just fell off of your body!
Left Brain: God damnit! He has an exam tomorrow. He needs good sleep! Jason, you are not scared. You are not feeling panicked. Although you are falling from the sky, you are completely relaxed. You look to your right and you see a beautiful -
Right Brain: Criss Angel. He's nude and he's putting hot wax on his testicles.   KEEP READING

Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...

Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running.  KEEP READING

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It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.

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Photographer: All right, shall we get started? Let's see two big smiles!

Man: Wait!

Photographer: Of course. I'm sorry. When you're ready.

Woman: You should take off your shirt, baby.

Photographer: He should?

Man: I ­mean, I didn't get this tattoo of a squashed bug on my shoulder so that it would be hidden during our photos.

Photographer: Right. Sorry. Ready now?

Man: Not even close. Baby, take off your shirt too.

Woman: You think so?

Photographer: Probably n--

Man: I've never been so sure about anything, ever.

Woman: I love you so hard.

Photographer: All right. You're both topless now.

Man: Pretty awesome, right?

Photographer: ...and she's pregnant. She's definitely pregnant.

Woman: Yes.

Photographer: So, sir, let me get this straight. You came into Wal-Mart to take a topless photo of you both, and your... wife is it?

Man: What DON'T you get?  KEEP READING