It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

This summer semester has been hellish not because of calculus, but because of the boneheads across the hall who insist on blaring their rap sh*t into the night and waking me up with it at 5am since sound carries all too well in this hall. Well I got sick of them always slamming their door at 5am and playing the music, so at about 3 in the morning, I snuck up to their door with a 50 count box of those little pull firecrackers. The ones where you pull the two strings and they explode in the middle. I made sure they were the ones with extra long strings. So I set to work with a tube of super glue and over the course of 25 minutes, glued one string to the door and one to the door frame for each of the poppers. I then went in my room and went back to studying for a test that day so sleep was irrelevant. Sure enough, at 5 am, I hear their music turn on, followed by almost all the poppers exploding at once. As an added bonus, there was a crash. Apparently he'd fallen and reached for something to grab, which had been the wire to their iPod dock with the built in speakers, successfully pulling it off the shelf and smashing it to bits. Now I sleep very well.

M., SIUC

My roomate was such a jackass, he would steal all my food and drinks and started stealing money from my piggybank, I started getting pissed. I knew that he was an alcoholic so I got a waxing kit and waited until he passed out in our room and then poured hot wax all down his hairy legs and left him the job to tear his leg hair out.
WP, Williams

May 3, 2008

College kids totally getting out of school soon and are gonna be bangin' down my door for September apartments. Its honestly like shooting fish in a barrel, I cant even contain myself! Put the company logo on the side of my Jeep Cherokee today, BOO YAH!

May 21, 2008

Showed that dump on N. Margin Street today, the idiots are gonna take it! Totes didnt see the dead rat behind the sink. Glad they didnt run the shower and notice that motor oil actually comes out. Sick roof deck tho!

June 5, 2008

Bought a dope ass holder for my cell phone that goes on my belt, automatic panty dropper. Sold the 3-bed on Salem Street, got a full fee plus dinner out of those suckers, they'll be evicted by October. Score one for the bad guys!

Well, today marks the day that a digitally animated robot becomes the best actor in Hollywood. Let's see what the rest of these no talent clowns have been up to while a cartoon successfully out-acts them.

Matt Damon got hella fat! Well, just for a part, but still. He looks like a straight-up child molester. Related Tangent: how weird would it be if Matt Damon went by Matthew Damon instead? Matthew Damon and Benjamin Affleck. Weird, right? Just me? Cool. (WWTDD)

Speaking of Benjamin Affleck, it looks like there might be trouble in MarriageLand, USA for him and his wife, Jennifer Gardner. I'll give you one hint why - it starts with 'their daughter' and ends with 'looks like a gremlin.' Also, I can't help but compare this picture with this picture. (IDLYITW, WWTDD)

Amy Winehouse was diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema this week, which finally, FINALLY seemed to get through to her. Thank God. She waited until she was in the parking lot to light up instead of in the waiting room like she normally does. I'm just so damn proud of her. (Celebslam)

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.

June 26th 2008

What a glorious morning! This earth was made for battle, not only because of its perfectly symmetrical black and white squares! Ah, to be the unit directly in front of the King himself! Oh, mother would be so proud!

June 27th 2008

The battle commenced today, and guess who was the first unit off? You guessed it! Mother would be so proud of my two square hop, why, I could rival the knight himself! I wonder how the enemy will react to such a bold move?

June 28th 2008

So, this enemy isn't to be underestimated! They discovered one of my weak spots. As we speak a rival pawn is standing right in front of me, glaring down at me as I write. So I'm stuck here until the bastard moves, or is killed.

Aging Rock Star:

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.