"Let's Play HardJournal."

 

Dear Journal,

A few weeks ago I was asked to perform at the first annual Nantucket Comedy Festival. As part of the festival they held a roast of the classic comedy duo Stiller & Meara. Now as you know journal, I've never been much of a roaster. Roast comedy is almost like it's own genre. People walk on stage and they're like, "Nice shirt, queer!" and everyone's like, "It's so true! His shirt does suck! I'm from Jersey!"

I was stressed out about coming up with roast jokes, but I threw some together, walked on stage and said:

"When I was asked to be part of the roast of my favorite comedy duo, I said, 'Of course, I'd do anything for Nichols and May.' But then he told me that it was actually Stiller & Meara but it's in Nantucket and we'll put you up at a fancy hotel and I said, 'Ok, well, maybe their son Ben will be there - I mean he used to make to good movies.'

 

Producer: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We invited you all here today out of respect and admiration for your craft. Each of you have had multiple songs that were popular with the college aged demographic, the group we believe to be most important and influential. Specifically we brought you here to give us a few pointers on how to make a dynamic bro band. We want the chilliest band EVER. Like, literally, we want this band to induce weed-like trances just from one listen. OK, so let's start brainstorming. Just throw out anything you think might help. Jack, can you start?

Jack Johnson: Well obviously it's going to be an acoustic rock band?

Producer: Yes, yes of course.

Ben Harper: That's good, but make sure there's a black guy in the band. Super chill.

Producer: Oooh good idea. That will be mega chill.

Did you all collectively do a bunch of good deeds this week or something? Because supermodels are getting naked left and right and I can only assume its karma. So great work, everybody. In return, here are the exposed mammaries of Heidi Klum and Cindy Crawford. (Egotastic)

Now that the gross boobs are out of the way (yuck!), lets get to the good stuff.

Things are beginning to look up for Britney Spears - rumors are flying this week that Quentin Tarantino is looking to cast her in his next film. Said Britney Spears wearing a wig and a nametag that said 'Quntin Tarrintino': "Yes, that is 100% true." (IDLYITW)

Everybody's favorite porn star Jenna Jameson announced this week that she's knocked up by ultimate Fighter Tito Ortitz. Her eggs must be so excited! Until now they've felt like the fat girls at a high school dance - sperm are always walking by but never ask them to dance. (IDLYITW)

The Heath Ledger investigation was officially closed this week after 8 months of investigation. Guess what they concluded? Nothing! Our tax dollars at work, people. (WWTDD)

Despite that, the Mary Kate Olsen connection just gets shadier and shadier. She was supposed to testify as the first person called about the death, but refused to do so without immunity, and then ended up not testifying at all. Really? If this was CSI: Miami, there would be some serious dramatic sunglass removal going on. (IDLYITW, DListed)

Let me say right now, this movie is up against some steep competition. First of all, with The Dark Knight still in theaters and becoming more valuable by the day than many small, island countries, it's hard to consider going to see anything else. Secondly, this movie has some big shoes to fill in the 'weed comedy' department. Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke, Half Baked, Dazed and Confused, Harold & Kumar go to White Castle, and even Super Troopers (which is more of a cop humor movie, but still plays the weed element excellently) have all made lasting impressions on the big screen, and rank up pretty well on my personal list of favorite movies. Does Pineapple Express have what it takes to stand out as a solid weed movie?

You better believe it.

Now, I don't want you to confuse me with someone who tosses out good compliments at a movie just because it's "expected to be good". Aside from the majority of compliments received, I did receive a few death threats regarding my review for the much anticipated Hancock. So when a movie comes out starring and written by the funny Seth Rogen, produced and partially written by Judd Apatow as well as Evan Goldberg from Knocked Up and Superbad fame, is it expected to be good? Naturally, but as any 2007 Patriots fan can tell you, always remember that success is never automatically guaranteed by what you have on paper.

It's pretty much a scientific fact that everyone loves candy. And if you don't, you should probably go find your soul somewhere in your toilet. And whenever you walk by a candy store, you always get that urge to go in and buy everything. Also a scientific fact. The companies who make candy know that they have you by the balls and that you will buy whatever they make, so they sometimes just say "f*ck it" when a weird candy idea goes by them. Here are 5 of the weirdest I've seen.

Jawbreakers

#10
Song: "Trust", by Prince
Reason: Parade float scene, Batman (1989)
Not that I listened to this song all that much to begin with, but it still applies to the list. Tim Burton's Batman is a classic, but watching it after the recent wave of new age superhero movies makes you realize how completely ridiculous some of its scenes truly were. Heath may be always remembered as the creepiest Joker, but Jack is no doubt the silliest. The parade scene is by far the funniest part of the movie, and after seeing it a million times it's gotten to the point where if I even hear the interlude to Prince's "Trust" I'll picture that ridiculous clown balloon peeking around the street corner and immediately burst out laughing.

#9
Song: "Bad Day", by Daniel Powter
Reason: RIP Keith Ledger Youtube Video
I still don't know the source of this internet-wide joke, but purposefully calling Heath Ledger "Keith Ledger" for the purpose of sending die hard fans into an anger frenzy doesn't seem like it will ever not be funny. Reading the mile-long list of angry Youtube comments over this video is even funnier with the 'sincere' background music playing, and now the piano interlude alone is enough to send me into a laughing fit.

#8
Song: "O, Fortuna", by Carl Orff
Reason: Jackass: The Movie (2002)
I'm sure that if German composer Carl Orff knew his orchestral masterpiece (which was inspired by the deep, moving poetry of the 13th century) made people not think of the struggle of mankind, but rather Chris Pontius in a banana hammock, he could've died a happier man. The worst part is that this song and the opening/closing sequence match up so perfectly its almost like they were meant for each other. Someone needs to give that editor a medal.

 Boy: Wow, I can't believe summer is almost over.  It went by so fast.

Girl: I know, as much as I like to complain about my hometown, I'll miss living in a house with a fully-functional toilet and eating non-diarrhea causing food.

Boy: Totally.  It will be so refreshing to get back to my annoying college friends and not hang out in your parent's basement everyday.  But seriously, even though we go to different schools and are 7 hours apart, I really think we can keep this relationship going for the first two weeks of college.

Girl: I totally agree.  Spending time with you this summer has been soooooo convenient, and I just know that after I sleep with that cute guy from my history class that our relationship will be reduced to awkward instant messenger conversations.

Boy: But we'll say that we'll keep in touch right?

Girl: Absolutely.  I promise to call every weekend, tanked out of my mind, and leave sobbing voice messages saying how we should get back together.  You have my word.

Boy: That's why I loved you for no more than three months baby.  I am already looking forward to coming to your school in October and drunkenly making a lot of mistakes that I will deeply regret.  I won't even care that you somehow gained 15 pounds in a matter of weeks.  That's how desperate I'll be.

Girl: I am already looking forward to Thanksgiving break, where you'll completely ignore me at the party that we both show up at.  I promise that I'll totally fly off the handle when I see you making out with my soon-to-be ex-best friend Tiffany.

Boy: I can tell that we are starting a rift that will separate us for the rest of our lives.

Girl: Oh, I don't even want to talk about it anymore; hold me for the next two weeks.

Ypres, Belgium - November 15, 1914

The Battle of Ypres rages as two German soldiers keep watch over the British trenches.  

German Soldier 1:  My God, who would have thought soldiers would be reduced to this?  Sitting in trenches, firing these machined guns at each other.  There is little honor to be had here.  

German Soldier 2:  Yes, yes.  But one must never forget we serve a higher purpose than ourselves: the great German fatherland.  If I die for Germany, I die with honor.

German Soldier 1:  Indeed, but if I must die for Germany, let it be by the blade, not some unseen bullet or bomb.

German Soldier 2:  We are fighting a different war than in times past, my friend.  A modern war.  World War I will be looked on as a turning point for military technology and deployment.  

German Soldier 1:  I cou...Now wait a minute, what did you call this war?

German Soldier 2:  ...What did I say?

German Soldier 1: I believe you called this "World War I."

German Soldier 2: Did I?  I meant to say 'The Great War,' of course.

German Soldier 1: Ah, yes.  I thought you a fortune-telling gypsy for a second!

German Soldier 2: If you were not my closest friend, I would have your ear for such a comment! 

German Soldier 1: Merely a joke, friend. World War I?  Ha!  As if anyone knows the future! Besides, this is the war to end all wars.  The Great War! 

German Soldier 2: The Greatest of Wars, so far!

German Soldier 1: Agr...Again, 'so far'?  Have you some plan, my friend? 

German Soldier 2: A plan?  Ha!  What use is planning in uncertain times? If I live through World War I, I will most likely return to my passion: pai...

German Soldier 1: There!  You did it again!  You called it...

A Lieutenant approaches the soldiers' position.  

Lieutenant: Private Hitler, grab your weapon and report to command.  

German Soldier 2:  Well, it appears as if I'm needed.  

German Soldier 1:  Godspeed, friend.  Do Germany proud!

German Soldier 2:  My friend, I would never do anything to shame the Fatherland!  To arms!

I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.