You can imagine how thrilled I was when I read the episode info and saw the title and realized that Morgan Freeman was going to be playing the part of Eleanor Waldorf. It's actually an apt title, because this episode was almost as action-packed as that movie. The action was just less literally explosive. Especially in Chuck's case.

It's 6 AM and already 14,000 degrees, because to live in NYC in the summer is essentially to live inside an Easy Bake Oven. Because she is an internet doctor as well as an unscrupulous yenta, Gossip Girl has tips to "beat the heat": 1) drink plenty of fluids (Chuck drinks Scotch in his darkened hotel room at 6 AM), 2) stay out of the sun (Jenny stumbles down a Manhattan street with her arms full of shit covered in silver lame), 3) avoid physical activity (Dan and Serena make out in what appears to a church doorway at 6 AM). Nobody ever listens to Gossip Girl...

Me: Finally! A new start! This room is a lot smaller than I expected, though...

Roommate: I got here before you and filled it up with my stuff. Are you into post-industrial acid metal and the color black?

Me: I'm not sure?

Roommate: Shut up. My band practices in here ten hours day. Complain and I'll stab you. When I'm not doing that, I'll be nailing girls you're attracted to, since I'm also the star of the lacrosse team.

Group of Girls: Don't worry, though! We're every hot girl on campus, and we're turned on by your quiet, quirky individualism.

Me: Finally!

Girls: Kidding, loser, we're still all about washboard abs. Have fun hanging with your mom.

Mom: Hi honey! Hope you don't mind, I'm teaching everyone that nickname you hate. And look! Your ex-girlfriend Emmy goes here, too.

Me: Did- Did you list all my sexual hang-ups on your whiteboard?

The MS Estonia Sinking - On a dark and stormy night, the MS Estonia sunk in the Baltic Sea, taking 852 of the 989 passengers with it. Initially, a failure of the bow visor was blamed. Except the bow visor should have broken off yet was still attached to the boat, Sweden refused to raise the wreck, then made an agreement with six nations to never go near the site again, tried to encase the entire thing in concrete (which is what usually happens...if it were Chernobyl), investigators found evidence of weapons smuggling from Russia and a large explosion, nine crew members went missing and had their hospital records erased and...nevermind. Probably just a giant squid fart.

Tunguska Explosion - If only Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck had been Russian oil drillers 100 years ago, Tunguska would not have suffered this fate.

The Zodiac Killer - Undoubtedly the scariest serial killer of all time. Killed a ton of people, made fun of the police, teased newspapers, and was never caught. Will we ever understand the meaning of his final, encoded message: "BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE OR ILL KILL YOU JK OMG I LOVE THAT MOVIE"?

Prophecy of the Popes - Some guy named St. Malachy predicted who would be the next Pope. All of them. In order. In 1138. Oh, and good news everyone: the next Pope is going to be 'Petrus Romanus' - and he'll mark the end of the world!

Colares UFO Flap - Ugh, Brazilian UFOs are the worst.

June and Jennifer Gibbons - These two would make for an awkward Double Mint Gum commercial.

Peope Who Have Disappeared - A nice, simple, creepy list. Hey! D.B. Cooper ended up in Fox River Penitentiary! Everyone knows that.

I'm a Homestar Runner fanatic.  That's why CollegeHumor's usual nerd correspondent Jeff Rubin allowed me to do this interview with the Mike and Matt Chapman, the voices and animators of Homestar Runner as well as the creators of the new computer and Wiiware game "Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People."  This is the Brothers Chaps first venture outside of the website.  I've played the game, and it's fun, nostalgic, and hilarious.

Are you exhausted?

Matt: Definitely.  This has been way more intensive than we thought it would be.

Matt, you do all the voices for Homestar Runner.  How's your throat holding up?

Matt: Early on, we had to look for herbal remedies.  We figure by the end of this five-episode series we will have recorded as much as we did in eight years of doing the site.  I think you're going to be hearing different voices at the end of the series than the beginning.

From the Tracy Ullman-day to modern-day Simpsons in a few months.

Matt: Exactly.  Voices just naturally evolve as you do them more, and we're packing years of evolution into a short period of time.

In last week's post-show preview, Joan was depicted saying something along the lines of "someone we thought was dead, is not." But alas, my hopes of a reanimated Don Draper corpse back to reclaim his mantle from the identity-thieving Dick Whitman were dashed at tonight's discovery that Joan had been talking about characters on a soap opera. Never, ever believe previews. They lie so hard.

With school back in session it's time for the return of the Stupid Question Hall of Fame.  For you newcomers, here's the deal...

• Hear someone ask a stupid question in class
  
• Go to CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions and submit it
• Wait till Friday morning for the weekly article to appear. 
  

If the stupid question you submitted wins, you'll get a free BustedTee.  It's that simple. 

So let's start the new semester with a big, racist, historically-inaccurate bang! 

Oh man, this song is awesome. And it's rap so it's like not even singing. Such a good choice.

Yo. Yo. Should I do that bobbing thing with my hand? No. Too much.

How did I forget about this fast part? Just read the screen. Yo. Ok, just get the last word of the line right.

What is gov'ment cheese?

Why do these lines rhyme in the actual song, but not when I say them? I guess I have to say them with a thuggy accent.

Is it racist to say "thuggy?"

Welcome! I hope everyone's enjoying being back on campus where they truly are at home.

Alright 'nuff small talk.  

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are 65 and 68 years of age.  I would like a brief pause in reading so that information can let that information settle in.  Done? OK.  This weekend our favorite pair of hard-asses are in theaters with the new flick Righteous Kill.  Now, I mentioned their ages not because I'm trying to be a smartass " plenty of actors do awesome jobs way into their later years, Leslie Nielsen is 82 for Christ's sake and the man is still as hilarious as ever...but comedy movies are a different breed.  Am I saying it's impossible for 60-year-old actors to look tough and intimidating on screen?  Not at all, but it does start to come into question a little more when it starts clashing with the story. 

• Went to two weddings that I wholly supported, three weddings that I fully did not, and five receptions that I completely don't remember.
  
  
• Dragged Girlfriend with me to see Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight, and Hellboy 2.
  
  
• Got dragged along by Girlfriend to see Mamma Mia! (Girlfriend and I are officially even.)
  
  
• Perfected my signature dish for entertaining: Nachos ìa Juhl, which I predict will be the next great culinary fad to sweep our nation. (Ingredients: 1 bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, an economy sized jar of Mott's Applesauce, and an unflappable lack of shame.)
  
  
• Finally finished my first novel! I want to tackle Where the Red Fern Grows next.
  
  
• Water skied for a period of approximately 0.7 seconds.
  
  
• Jogged five or more miles every time that I went to the gym.
  
  
• Never once went to the gym.
  
  
• Heard Kate Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" about seven times more than should be allowable under the rules and accords of the Geneva Conventions.
  
  
• Left my heart in San Francisco, my patent leather shoes in Minneapolis, and my dignity at one of those aforementioned wedding receptions.
  
  
• Wrote this list.

So, did everybody watch the VMAs this week? No? Me neither. Cool. From what I've gathered, we didn't miss much. Except Britney Spears inexplicably wore two different dresses that were practically the same. Ah, to be rich and dumb. (Celebslam)

Now on to more important news - Kayne West got arrested, people! The rapper was charged with vandalism after grabbing a paparazzo's $10,000 camera in LAX and slamming it against the ground. In Kayne's defense, the paparazzo was totally not using red eye reduction. (IDLYITW)

This week Jessica Simpson was performing on Good Morning America when an unfortunate gust of wind turned her into Marilyn Monroe. Except, instead of white panties there were no panties and instead of a cute butt there was a weird granny butt. Sexy! (Egotastic)

This Friday, rapper Lil Wayne bailed on a scheduled performance because he refused to allow security to check his bag. I'm sure there was nothing shady in there or anything. Lil Wayne just wants his privacy respected. And his bag of guns. (DListed)

Hey email partners!

- I'm heading out on my tour this week on my SLEEPING WHILE STANDING TOUR. there are just a few tickets left for Indianapolis, Minneapolis, and St. Louis...

-Tickets are on sale for SLEEPWALK WITH ME off-Broadway! Plan your trips to NYC. Visit friends. Crash on couches. Get tickets right away if you want to secure a specific date. I'm working on getting some discounts for colleges students, broke people, etc, but they will probably be on very specific dates, so get your tickets now if you're making plans. This is the best show I've even done and we got a great early mention in the Time Out NY Fall Preview: "Birbiglia peppers an intricately crafted monologue...with the trademark witticisms that have already made him a commercial hit..." Commercial hit? I'm not sure about that. But that being said, I'm very proud of SLEEPWALK and would love for you to come. Also, I got a nice mention on broadwayworld.com!

RULES: Submit your one best caption as a comment. No replies. No retries. Keep reading to vote on the best captions from last time...

Brain: Okay head, this girl is into us! Let's lean in for a kiss. Lips, pucker up. Tongue, get ready.

Tongue: Ready boss!

Weiner: Yeahhh!

Brain: Relax.

Brain: She's into it! Lips part, let tongue out. Tongue, do your thing.

Tongue: Woohoo!

Brain: Whoa wait, nothing crazy. Come on, go easy for once.

Weiner: F*ck yeah! You get her, boiii!

Brain: Shut up! Everyone calm down.

Weiner: I live for this! I LIVE FOR THIS!!!!

Brain: You need to control yourself!

Chances of him getting bottom bunk
Chances of you wanting bottom bunk
Locker room stink
George Foreman grills in room
Actual grills in room
Actual girls in room
Ramen stash quantity

This is what happens when you leave college and try returning at a slightly later point in life to wrap up those final few credits. In my case, I still need a lab science to graduate.

It's a perverse feeling when all of the important milestones in one's life (beating Goro in the original Mortal Kombat, losing your virginity, voting, being legally allowed to shotgun PBR) have already passed, and yet you find yourself in an introductory Geology lab. Quite literally a Rocks for Jocks course.

A woman mumbling incoherently at the front of the room reminds you that lab notebooks must be turned in on time. And then she discusses proper treatment and storage of "lab materials" (honestly, though, if these rock samples have survived on Earth for 4.5 billion years -- I don't think such anal lab procedures are exactly necessary.)

Post-election Facebook is the worst. From liberals and their celebratory status updates to conservatives and their paranoid diatribes, social networking is more annoying than ever. For every few sane people with political opinions they can keep to themselves or argue reasonably, there's one person who never shuts up. These people are not of one affiliation, but from all over the political spectrum.

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.

Freshman Year: