You can imagine how thrilled I was when I read the episode info and saw the title and realized that Morgan Freeman was going to be playing the part of Eleanor Waldorf. It's actually an apt title, because this episode was almost as action-packed as that movie. The action was just less literally explosive. Especially in Chuck's case.
It's 6 AM and already 14,000 degrees, because to live in NYC in the summer is essentially to live inside an Easy Bake Oven. Because she is an internet doctor as well as an unscrupulous yenta, Gossip Girl has tips to "beat the heat": 1) drink plenty of fluids (Chuck drinks Scotch in his darkened hotel room at 6 AM), 2) stay out of the sun (Jenny stumbles down a Manhattan street with her arms full of shit covered in silver lame), 3) avoid physical activity (Dan and Serena make out in what appears to a church doorway at 6 AM). Nobody ever listens to Gossip Girl...


In last week's post-show preview, Joan was depicted saying something along the lines of "someone we thought was dead, is not." But alas, my hopes of a reanimated Don Draper corpse back to reclaim his mantle from the identity-thieving Dick Whitman were dashed at tonight's discovery that Joan had been talking about characters on a soap opera. Never, ever believe previews. They lie so hard.
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So, did everybody watch the VMAs this week? No? Me neither. Cool. From what I've gathered, we didn't miss much. Except Britney Spears inexplicably wore two different dresses that were practically the same. Ah, to be rich and dumb. (Celebslam)
Now on to more important news - Kayne West got arrested, people! The rapper was charged with vandalism after grabbing a paparazzo's $10,000 camera in LAX and slamming it against the ground. In Kayne's defense, the paparazzo was totally not using red eye reduction. (IDLYITW)
This week Jessica Simpson was performing on Good Morning America when an unfortunate gust of wind turned her into Marilyn Monroe. Except, instead of white panties there were no panties and instead of a cute butt there was a weird granny butt. Sexy! (Egotastic)
This Friday, rapper Lil Wayne bailed on a scheduled performance because he refused to allow security to check his bag. I'm sure there was nothing shady in there or anything. Lil Wayne just wants his privacy respected. And his bag of guns. (DListed)
>- I'm heading out on my tour this week on my SLEEPING WHILE STANDING TOUR. there are just a few tickets left for Indianapolis, Minneapolis, and St. Louis...
-Tickets are on sale for SLEEPWALK WITH ME off-Broadway! Plan your trips to NYC. Visit friends. Crash on couches. Get tickets right away if you want to secure a specific date. I'm working on getting some discounts for colleges students, broke people, etc, but they will probably be on very specific dates, so get your tickets now if you're making plans. This is the best show I've even done and we got a great early mention in the Time Out NY Fall Preview: "Birbiglia peppers an intricately crafted monologue...with the trademark witticisms that have already made him a commercial hit..." Commercial hit? I'm not sure about that. But that being said, I'm very proud of SLEEPWALK and would love for you to come. Also, I got a nice mention on broadwayworld.com!
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Brain: Okay head, this girl is into us! Let's lean in for a kiss. Lips, pucker up. Tongue, get ready.
Tongue: Ready boss!
Weiner: Yeahhh!
Brain: Relax.
Brain: She's into it! Lips part, let tongue out. Tongue, do your thing.
Tongue: Woohoo!
Brain: Whoa wait, nothing crazy. Come on, go easy for once.
Weiner: F*ck yeah! You get her, boiii!
Brain: Shut up! Everyone calm down.
Weiner: I live for this! I LIVE FOR THIS!!!!
Brain: You need to control yourself!
>It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article.
Finally, this week's winner of the That's Kind of an Easy WYR Award is Ryan, who sent in this.
Whoa Ryan, how much do you like Orange juice?
If you have a good WYR, submit it here.
Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut.

This is what happens when you leave college and try returning at a slightly later point in life to wrap up those final few credits. In my case, I still need a lab science to graduate.
It's a perverse feeling when all of the important milestones in one's life (beating Goro in the original Mortal Kombat, losing your virginity, voting, being legally allowed to shotgun PBR) have already passed, and yet you find yourself in an introductory Geology lab. Quite literally a Rocks for Jocks course.
A woman mumbling incoherently at the front of the room reminds you that lab notebooks must be turned in on time. And then she discusses proper treatment and storage of "lab materials" (honestly, though, if these rock samples have survived on Earth for 4.5 billion years -- I don't think such anal lab procedures are exactly necessary.)

I found my mom using two different laptops simultaneously. I asked her what she was doing and she said that this was the only way she could go to two different websites at the same time.
Alex H
My mother uses her cell phone like a walkie-talkie. She'll put the phone to her mouth to talk and then back to her ear to listen. Many times she's scolded me for starting my response before she had time to put the phone back to her ear.
Lindsey L, KU
My mom leaves her laptop charger plugged into the laptop even when it's not plugged into the wall because "there is juice (power) left in the chord."
Brenden Wenberg, Loyola
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

Dave S., Ryerson
I met this girl named Amee the first week of freshman year. The first night I met over she came home with me and left an over-sized sweater that I started to wear and eventually kept. We saw each other for about 2 months and she seemed perfect. One weekend she went home to visit family. She didn't tell me but I found out from her roommate that she'd gone home to see her ex-boyfriend. This sucked for me but I was getting straight down to business. She texted me all weekend saying she "misses me", weak sauce. The night she came back I had her over like usual and acted regular. She was up at 3am and had to go to the floors washroom, as she often did. The washroom was just outside my room so she got up without changing. We were talking and she asked what she should be for Halloween. Not missing a beat, I said "Why don't you go as a skank? I've got a sweater you could use." I threw the sweater to her and closed my door. She knew exactly what just happened and got frostbitten while she walked home with nothing but that sweater on. November in Ottawa is a b*tch.
Paul Ley, University of Ottawa
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

Billy, because you wouldn't shower, we would febreeze you while you slept. Also, stop calling yourself Billy, your name is Bih-Chuan.
Phil C, Maryland
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

Patricia Ortega, UCLA
No, you didn't knock your phone into your fish bowls while you were sleeping - I tossed it in after you fell asleep, you dumb b*tch.
B. T., Some School in Georgia
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here!

I used to live with this girl, a few weeks ago, that had parties all the time and drank every night and had a boyfriend in another state, while sleeping with 3 different guys here. She also flirted with my boyfriend every chance she got. When I moved out, she hid a bunch of my stuff in her room where I would leave it. The day before I moved out I put jalapeno Juice in the soda, ranch and Ketchup and also in her face soap. Did you ever wonder why your face started stinging when you wash it in the mornings? Maybe you can learn to get a job and pay your own rent instead of trying to get money from every one of your f*ck buddies.
Michelle Q., Texas

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."
Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.
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