• Indepoondence Day
• Dirty Uncle Sam
• The Sperm-Spangled Banner
• Porn on the 4th of July
• George Washington's Monument
• The First Cuntinental Congress
• Debbie Does Delaware Colony
• Foreskin Fathers
• She Red, White, and Blew Me
• The Red Coats are Cumming, The Red Coats are Cumming!
  

Two hundred and thirty two years ago someone who was sitting right where you are sitting this very instant got a bill in the mail. The itemized document read like a laundry list of stuff they didn't even order: democracy, Indian removal, teabags. Sure they used some of them, but it wasn't like they asked for anything to begin with. It's kind of like getting a bunch of free Columbia House DVDs in the mail and then finding out six months later that you owe $151.36. I don't even have a job. I mean, how do they think I had all that time to watch the free DVDs in the first place?

Anyway, what ended up happening was your ancestors called up to dispute the claim with the parent company. They were like, "Hey can I speak to your manager? This can't be right. Voting? I don't even do that." And the guy on the other line probably said something like, "Sorry, but we're the only game in town right now. Deal with it." And then hung up the phone.

Then all of the colonists got together for a big meeting and decided that if they were going to get anywhere with this dispute they would have to talk to the King. After all, everyone knows that people named George are the kindest, gentlest, most thoughtful people in the world. Unfortunately, however, this British George happened to be somewhat stubborn and shortsighted. The people were like, "Hey George. I don't really understand why you're charging us so much when we're not even being represented." And George shot back, "What are you talking about? Haven't you ever heard of VIRTUAL REPRESENTATION?"

The truth was that they hadn't. Because it didn't exist. George just made the whole thing up.

Well, I guess you know how the rest of the story goes. Your ancestors were so mad that they went to great lengths to beat the living crap out of those people with the funny accents. There was some bitterness for a hundred years or so but now we're best friends. Sometimes we go for overnight trips together to different exotic places all over the world bringing gifts like Jesus and rainbows.

So, this 4th of July, while you're sitting at home listening to Jamiroquai's smash hit "Virtual Insanity" and engaging in some virtual flirting with your favorite pal on Myspace, could you do me a favor?

Write a check in my name payable to:
Columbia House Company
One Penn Plaza
250 West 34th Street, 5th Floor
New York, NY 10119

It turns out they sent a collection agency for that $151.36 and I don't want to have to go all American Revolution on their ass.

Thanks,
Neil

Everyone's favorite New Jersey-based seasonal entrepreneur is back and this time he's got fireworks.

KATO: Brother Lee, I have glorious news! I was in deep meditation by the coy pond this morning when an overwhelming sense of peace and understanding came over me. And, well, I believe I may have come close to… to complete Nirvana.

LEE: Pshh! Oh yeah, I achieved Nirvana, like, two months ago. Glad you caught up, though. Welcome to the club.

KATO: But… but I thought it took years of patience and deep personal insight to truly achieve Nirvana.

LEE: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Maybe for some Buddhists it does. Not for me, though. I was into Nirvana before all the other Brothers were doing it.

KATO: But Brother Lee, you seem so… so human. Are you certain you reached a true state of Nirvana?

LEE: Yeah, yeah—an overwhelming sense of oneness with the universe, an unfiltered understanding of my true self, blah blah blah. I’m going to level with you, Brother Kato: Nirvana is so lower caste. You're lucky you told me before you told anyone else about this. I’m pretty sure the rest of our Brothers would have just laughed at you.

KATO: This is shocking, Brother Lee. I had always believed our faith was supposed to spread a universal sense of understanding and compassion throughout the temple.

LEE: That’s so cute. Someday you’ll be truly enlightened, Bro Kato. Until then, why don’t you sick to chanting, mmmkay?

You are good enough. You are always good enough. Never tell yourself that you aren't good enough for something or someone. You are. Not great or awesome or anything. Just good enough.

Everybody likes you. You are the best and everyone thinks so. Not just your mom. All those people who don't shower you with praise are dead. Imagine them dead. Worms in their eyes. Everyone who ever does you wrong will one day be dead. And so will your mom.

What I imagine as the inner monologue of Jasper the cat:

I'm getting a little bored of pawing at this obviously inanimate mouse thingie..what to do, what to do.. I could lick my own asshole for a little bit..Yeah that sounds good.

[Jasper proceeds to perform auto-analingus for a good 20 minute block]

Bored again. Holy shit is that a mouse? I'm gonna bat at it.

Bored again. Why don't I play in the attic? I wonder why I always have violent hacking fits when I'm up there in the dust and mildew. Weird.

What's..this? A new person? She seems to be trying to ignore me. I bet that's her coy way of saying, "Please, Jasper, rub your ass on me." Silly little filly, you don't have to play games!

[Despite the blonde, dashing stranger's attempts to get away, Jasper resolutely tries to rub his ass against her]

Wait, why is she still ignoring me? Ugh this girl is GOOD! I am hooked. From now on, my mission is to rub my ass on her as often as possible. It's not like she's doing anything important like playing with a mouse or some string..

I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.

College can be expensive. Replacing brand name products with cheaper, generic alternatives can save both time and money. For example:

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Jason Michaels is the Virgin Mobile Summer Intern. Read his blog HERE

Pants on Floor: Oh God, did you see what Mike brought in last night?

Shirt on Floor: Oh god, I barely made it in the room before those fake nails of hers tore me off so hard my zipper nearly broke off. I still smell like a Bacardi Breezer.

Pants on Floor: I just wish Mike would start getting with a girl whose clothes can have a conversation, not these bus station quality sluts. Like that girl he was dating for a few months. She was great, nothing but tasteful sweaters and khaki pants.

Shirt on Floor: Shhh he's coming!

(Mike walks in from shower, singing and talking to himself)

Mike: Somethin something somethin she's just bein Miiiiiley... What to wear, what to wear tonight. Hmm... I heard there's something going on at the frats.

Attitude T-Shirt: Yes, it's my time to shine baby! The world will remember Anchorman quotes once again! You ready, Cheap Stars and Stripes Hat Mike Bought at Walmart?

America Hat: Hell yea bra, I am ready to make some sort of vague, possibly ironic statement about patriotism. Or something.

(Mike gets off of the phone)

Mike: Hmm...looks the frat party got called off. A few dozen pledges get alcohol poisoning and ruin it for the rest of us. I hope they die in the hospital. Ha.

Sweatpants: Oh well. Looks like you should just stayin tonight. You did go out yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday, and Monday, anyway. Throw me on, grab a Coke, chill.

Sweatshirt: Yeah bud. Relax, watch some Family Guy with us.

Slippers: Ah, who are you kidding, you know the deal. We come out during Midterms for a week straight, come out stained and smelling like shit and go unused until Finals.

Every day, the anonymity granted by the Internet flips the a-hole switch for thousands of otherwise decent humans. My coworkers and I have developed thick skins, but we never stop wondering what motivates certain commenters to unleash such brutal tirades, determined to sprinkle everyone else's perfectly good Internet salad with sh*t pepper. We just can't get inside their heads... until now.

Two days ago, a CH reader named Claudio insulted my dear friend Amir's performance in our Font Conference video, noting that "suicide is an option." Amir usually welcomes such constructive criticism, but this time, he made an interesting discovery about his history with Claudio. The full exchange follows.



We know that not everybody will enjoy everything we do, and we love hearing your feedback (good and bad). That said, let this kind of shameless hypocrisy be a lesson to all would-be purposeless haters: Negativity for negativity's sake is gayyyyyyyyyyy. (Keep reading for responses to the burn.)

Luigi: Sick party, bro.

Mario: Hell yeah. Good tunes, good people...I'm just stoked none of Bowser's crew showed up.

Luigi: About that...Now don't freak, but Koopa Troopa and a few of his boys just walked in.

Mario: What!? I'm about to WILE OUT.

Luigi: Chill dude, chill.

Mario: If that weak ass turtle comes near me, I am going to do the WORST thing I can possibly do to him.

Luigi: What's that?

Mario: Jump on him.

Luigi: Whoa, whoa. Just be cool. One of his boys is comin' over to us right now...

*Mario flexes at a ghost that is approaching them. The ghost covers its eyes and stops.*

Things look a little different when you're drunk...