Let's just get right to it. I'm sick of this bullshit.

1. Jordin - Wishing on a Star
I'm not in love with Jordin's hair tonight, but Simon chose this song (and, I assume, her wardrobe), and she does a good job with it, I guess. I don't know it at all. It sounded good. Then again, everything better sound good at this point. Randy really liked it, so I guess it must have been good, and Paula's hair is so fancy tonight! Simon was all, "Meh. The arrangement was too jazzy. And upbeat. And I got a haircut and it looks sort of dumb."

2. Blake - Roxanne
Not as good as the Moulin Rouge version, which isn't saying much, because that version is possibly the best recording of any song ever in the universe. The positive points: Blake sounds not unlike Sting anyway, which is good, I guess. However, he can't do the gravelly "ROXANNE!!!!" thing that I so admire in the Moulin Rouge version, and he's decided to wear a sweater vest again, which, I mean, is fine, but really Blake? Are you secretly 68?

3. Melinda - I Believe in You and Me
Why, Randy? Why Whitney Houston? And why, if you must Whitney her, not  "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"? I love that song. Oh well. They loved it anyway, obviously, even if the whole time I was singing every other of Whitney's songs in my head. Melinda's really talented, we get it, blah blah blah. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I feel like if I were singing a song with her and there were two sets of vocals on the recording, but sometimes there was only one, Melinda would be like, "That's where I was carrying you," and I'd be like, "Thanks a lot, jerkface. I can sing for myself." Then I'd hug her, because seriously, she's so cute. I can't stay mad at that dress.

4. Jordin - She Works Hard for the Money
Ha ha. Aw. Jordin loves Hanson. So does Ryan. He "has the CD in [his] car." Of course he does. I like how Jordin justifies her "favorite song" choice with, "What? I'm 17." Like, honey, when that song was popular, you were... 8? I'm guessing. I'm only four years older than she is, I guess, but that's an eternity in music years. Also I'm pretty glad that the producers picked a song that has recently been featured in McDonald's commercials. (I think. It may have been Burger King or even Subway. I don't really pay attention to TV. I'm positive it was fast food. Or possibly computers. Something.) Ugh... this isn't excellent. I mean, it's awesome for a Hanson fan, don't get me wrong (also I secretly love "Mmmbop" too. It really is catchy as hell), but I think Jordin may be going home. Depending on how much Blake sucks. Hmm... the judges all really liked it. Maybe I'm too drunk to be critiquing people right now.... Nah.

5. Blake - This Love
Ooh a Blake movie! Jim Carey?!?!?!?!?! The fuck?! Robin Williams or Ben MacKenzie, you stupid fuck! I'm pretty sure that if The OC were still on, it would gladly feature your version of this song in the soundtrack! Damnit I miss The OC. They're always looking for the newest music in the world. Not kidding, one episode this season (during Kaitlyn's tennis lesson with Spencer, the guy who ended up being the head gigolo in Julie's male prostitution ring) had a cover of "Float On." My roommate was like, "Is this... is this a cover of 'Float On'?" And I was like, "Stiles, we're listening to the newest music in the world right now." Also Blake did a good job. It's pretty hard not to improve upon Maroon 5, though.

6. Melinda - Nutbush City Limits
Melinda's idol is her mommy. That's pretty cute. My mommy would be my idol, if she weren't the single loudest and most immature person ever. Speaking of being immature, am I 8 1/2 or is the title of this song hilarious? Nutbush? For real? I don't even know how good of a job Melinda did because my inane giggling was drowning out her singing the whole time. The judges seemed to like it. I figure they know best... ish.

7. Jordin - I Who Have Nothing
She did a really good job on this song the first time, so I understand why she chose it again. But why didn't she sing "Mmmbop"? I guess they had to pick a song they already sang, but she did a lot better the first time. She also looked a lot prettier the first time. Curly hair = not super sexy long hair = not causing me to think she's the prettiest girl in the world. Which I guess might not be her objective every time she takes the stage, but it wouldn't hurt. Also I sort of take back what I said earlier. She's sort of kicking ass. I remember the first time being more rawly emotional, but I dunno. I've never written this article in real time before, and it's sort of weird. I just didn't feel like taking notes. But enough about me... JORDIN RULES!!!!11!!!! *spirit fingers*!

8. Blake - When I Get You Alone
Oh swizzle, yo! Blake is beat boxing to "Baby Got Back"! That was some kind of "quick jam"! Since "jams" characteristically involve pre-written songs. I love the way Blake dances. It's so weird and fluid and asexual. Okay, so this song has basically convinced me that Blake needs to cut a record stat. It will be pretty cool. Hopefully it comes with a free disco ball. I mean, I wouldn't buy the album or anything. I'd probably download like half of the songs illegally, and then my friends and I would make fun of the Blake Lewis craze among 12-year-old girls, which would be especially biting because like half of my friends are gay, and if there's one thing they know how to do, it's make scathing remarks about popular culture.

9. Melinda - I'm a Woman
She should have done "My Funny Valentine" again. Yeah, I said it. That was the greatest thing ever. I guess this song shows her "sassy" side, but didn't the Turner collaboration also do that? Like Jordin's performance, I can't help but remember this with more fondness than I'm feeling towards it now. Her pantsuit, however, is D-I-V-I-N-E (get it? because she was spelling out "woman"? Whatever, I give up).

Our Father [...] deliver us from Idol. Amen.

Welcome back home. Summer vacation is in full swing- much like your flaccid penis. You've unpacked most of your crap, and you've watched 9 hours of baseball today alone, it's time to get out there and get your D wet. May I suggest your local pool club? No, I'm not being a dick, you're going to bone a lifeguard.

Get ready: You're kind of doughy looking, but that's cool, just do some crunches. Yeah, ten's fine. Nice, nice. Just tuck that roll into the top of your bathing suit. Perfect. Pull your shoulders back, it hides your man boobs. Cool.

Sunblock: Walk confidently up to the lifeguard chair and ask politely, "Will you lotion up my back please?" Undoubtedly, she'll comply, at which time you turn around and drop your bathing suit completely. God you're so clueless it's adorable.

Then have I got a suggestion for you! Join this Facebook group: JOIN ME!
Shameless plug for a group that isn't even mine? Yes. Am I doing this so that it will maybe get the desired amount of members because I don't think that the person whose group it is will actually make good on the promise? You bet. You only need to be in it for, like, 15 minutes. Be a champ, not a chump.

Are you funny? Can you rhyme song lyrics with the word boobie? Are you just the right amount of racist? If so, you might have what it takes to write CollegeHumor picture captions. Let's find out.

For our first caption contest, I picked one of my all-time favorite CH pictures. What's the best caption you can come up with for this?



Friday morning, we'll change the picture's official caption to the best entry. The lucky author will receive credit for their joke, eternal life in the pictures section, and all the other perks that come with writing captions.
To enter, just leave your caption as a comment below. Some boring rules:
- Only one submission per user, so make it count.
- All submissions must be posted as new comments and not replies.
- Though this is a take home exam and you can take as much time as you need, you may not collaborate with other students.

Good luck!

Penultimate Episode!
   

There is nothing I love saying more than the word penultimate though all it really means is second to last.  If you told your friends you came in penultimate in the office 5K fun run, they would be super impressed, but you were just really one place away from DFL.
   

So much awesome stuff happened in this episode that I am having a hard time balancing my laptop on my Heroes-induced erection.  This show has never been one to hesitate about killing people, but last night was end of The Departed types of killing. 
   

Bennet killing Eric Roberts was almost too great for me.  Just seeing a guy who has no powers except that he must protect his daughter is pretty fracking sweet.  He goes right up to him no hesitation and gives him a double tap in the side of his skull.  I thought we were going to have a Mexican standoff right then and there (instead it happened 30 seconds later with Mohinder).  Bennet just stepped up and did what had to be done.
   

Speaking of doing what had to be done D.L. taking out Linderman.  Watching Linderman’s eyes fill with blood was pretty sweet.  Seeing that gaping hole in his head as he landed, then just sitting there hoping that he doesn’t heal.  Rooting against him not so much because he is a bad guy, but mostly because it would be lame if he healed himself and came back.
   

Then Ted being killed by Sylar we all knew was inevitability.  I for some strange reason started to really like Ted, he cared so much about his mistakes, so much to the point that while he was on his death bed, he was more concerned with the radioactivity leaking out of his body, or whatever he said he was leaking…. How embarrassing?

Ok now for some quick hits that I would like to get out there

-So the shape shifter chick is really a fat ugly chick.   That is why she is being so nice to Micah!
-What did that computer do to Micah?  There was that weird moment, my guess cyber-molestation.
-Will Bennet kill Molly?  I say no because she is somebody’s daughter too.
-Does Nathan’s kids have any special powers?  Or is it a recessive gene and both your parents would have to have powers?

-My favorite moment is the hint that next season might take place in the past and be all the older heroes fighting alongside one another.  Cannot wait for the (just plain) ultimate episode next week.

No Haitian this week…Finally…I remember everything; yeah I’d love one of these brownies.  What is in them?  Oh crap…

Felix W. Cooper's Literary Excerpts: A Prince's Life

Today's selection is taken from the beginning, middle, and end of the prologue setting up Prince William Smith's autobiography, A Prince's Life. It begins:

"A great deal of my young life was spent in the Western quadrant of the towne of Philadelphia. I enjoyed the company of my confidants whilst we employed our exuberance by means of outdoor recreational furniture. It was in this that I found I was rather partial to a certain enterprise we devised where one is to heartily lob an inflated cow's-gut sack into an elevated loop of steel devised to honor the halo of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. The completion of this seemingly inconsequential action was always sure to be consecrated by my contingents who would entertain me with ejaculatory whoops and bawls of congratulatory delectation.

Much to my abashed dismay, our frequently sensational outbursts resulted in the loss of our gut-sack. As fate would have it, it ended up disturbing a rather despicable group of fool-hooligans who insisted that, as a result of our contravention upon their deliberation of the day's crimes against Our Lord, we play the game of fisticuffs as an alternative.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Chances of him getting bottom bunk
Chances of you wanting bottom bunk
Locker room stink
George Foreman grills in room
Actual grills in room
Actual girls in room
Ramen stash quantity

Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.

Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!

Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.

Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.

Marine 1: I know.

Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?

Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.

Marine 2: That bastard.

Marine 3 enters

Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!

Marine 1: He doesn't know.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

The presidential debate is tonight and we here at CollegeHumor think the youth need to play a bigger role in the democratic process. To get the ball rolling we've invented an awesome new drinking game just for you!

Premed- "I wonder what the cause of death was? Looks like head trauma. I think I'll perform the autopsy... where did I leave my scalpel?"