"CollegeHumor's Hardly Working" is a series of short and silly videos we shoot around the office. This episode is called "Excuse Me" and features Jake and Dan.

• The La-Z-Boy Ultra-Marathon
• The Coors Light Alcoholics Anonymous Day Parade
• Lipitor, the cholesterol-reducing, healthy-heart medicine sponsored artificial-heart research grant
• The Scholastic Warped Tour
• The Christian Teen Abstinence Alliance Dance, sponsored by Trojan
• The American Red Cross's Superbowl Awareness Day
• The Levi Strauss Society For South-Western, North Dakota Nudists

Dear Journal,

It’s summertime again and I feel like I should be getting ready for camp. And then I realize that I’m 29 years old. Still, I long for a simpler time when I would sleep in the woods in an oversized shed without air conditioning while mosquitoes ate me alive, crying and wishing I were at home with my mother. Those were the good times.

My sleepover camp was kind of dangerous.

One of my five activities was riflery. With rifles. I was a fidgety 11-year-old who always dropped the bowl of orange slices on the way to soccer practice. Clearly what I needed was a firearm. That way if anyone asked why the orange slices had dirt on them, I could take out my rifle and ask if anyone had any more questions.   

Another dangerous activity at my camp was horseback riding.  One summer, one of the kids got bucked from the horse and died. The kid died. And they didn’t have us stop riding the horses. What were those camp owners thinking? Like, “Yeah, that kid died, but he kinda sucked at horseback riding. And, we already own these horses…Giddy-up!” I can remember sitting on my horse thinking, “I’m not sure I want to ride horses anymore. Maybe I should stick to something safer. Like rifles.”  

My safest activity was drama. But during my second week a police cruiser showed up at camp and took away my drama counselor. Supposedly he had sexually assaulted one of the female counselors with a knife. And there’s nothing funny about that. Instantly our drama group merged with an arts & crafts class in which we painted news clippings onto rocks. And a few days later, when the story about our drama teacher made it into the paper, we painted it onto a rock. That actually was kind of funny.

One activity was polar bear swim where we swam in freezing cold water for “fun.” It would have been fine except I’m not a polar bear and I don’t have 7 layers of fat and rug-like fur. Now that I’m 29 I’ve started working on those layers, but I hope I never grow the rug-like fur. And if I do, I hope it’s in my bathing-suit area.

All the cabins had chores. And my cabin’s chore was to clean the latrine. At the time, I didn’t know what a latrine was, and when I found out, I was like “I’m only here for a week and I have to clean a bathroom used by 135 ten-year-olds? I told my counselor, “Uh, Rick, I’m kinda on vacation here.” But then Rick sat on my head and farted; I think that was his way of saying he didn’t see it from my point of view. My point of view was up his ass.

At the end of week, we had a dance- and it was so exciting because we got to dance with the girls who hadn’t gone home with hypothermia the second day, or gotten killed by a horse, or sexually assaulted by the drama teacher. Only the strongest and most adaptable girls made it to the dance. Man, that was some dance.

And that concludes this week’s entry in My Secret Public Journal.

Jeff: This was a difficult week for Internet video. All this stupid nice weather is trapping people outside. A mere 11 movies have cracked the 100-like barrier since we last spoke.

Amir: Weather is video cancer. The sweetest videos always come from dismal areas. When was the last time you saw a guy getting hit in the balls in Hawaii?

What has the world come to when our President can't even get drunk correctly?

Amir: I like that he makes a last ditch effort to slurp the foam. He looked like he was ready to just use the bottom of his jacket to wipe the table. "It's still good, dont freak out. Jesus. Shots?"

Jeff: If you get foam everywhere at my apartment you earn a dead arm, no matter what country you are in charge of.

Amir: Even Canada?

Jeff: Especially Canada.

Amir: As long as we are on the topic of shockingly under performing videos, when we put up Honey Wrestling I was expecting at least triple digits, and that one is stuck below 30. That's borderline inexcusable.

RA: Hey Tom, how's it going!?!  If you're hungry I think me and some other people are heading downstairs to the caf to grab some dinner.

Dad: Jason, for the last time, don't call me "Tom," just stick to "Dad." And another thing, why are you always asking me if I want to go to dinner with you and these "other people" you talk about?  You know we always eat together as a family.

RA: Sounds great Tom! Well maybe after dinner we can all get together and paint some bricks and use them as door stops.

Dad: That's another thing Jason, why are you always asking your mother and me to partake in these activities?  I'm not interested in attending a tie-dying party; stop asking. 

Mom: Boys, dinner's ready!

RA: Oh hey Karen, how's it going!?! How'd that history final go?