"Full Screen" is a new column featuring CollegeHumor video gate-keepers Jeff and Amir. They are the two dudes that decide which videos go up, and which ones get the axe. Join them as they discuss their favorite videos of the week and add behind-the-scenes insight to certain gems you may have missed.

Jeff: This was a difficult week for Internet video. All this stupid nice weather is trapping people outside. A mere 11 movies have cracked the 100-like barrier since we last spoke.

Amir: Weather is video cancer. The sweetest videos always come from dismal areas. When was the last time you saw a guy getting hit in the balls in Hawaii?

Jeff: Nice weather can ruin a great Internet day. There's no other way to explain the under performance of George W. Beer. I thought this clip was so funny. At the next debate, every cantidate should have to pour a beer into a pint glass. My understanding was that Bush at least used to know how to party, but apparently I've been misinformed.

Amir: I like that he makes a last ditch effort to slurp the foam. He looked like he was ready to just use the bottom of his jacket to wipe the table. "It's still good, dont freak out. Jesus. Shots?"

Jeff: If you get foam everywhere at my apartment you earn a dead arm, no matter what country you are in charge of.

Amir: Even Canada?

Jeff: Especially Canada.

Amir: As long as we are on the topic of shockingly under performing videos, when we put up Honey Wrestling I was expecting at least triple digits, and that one is stuck below 30. That's borderline inexcusable.

Four guys, Timmy, Billy, Bobby and Bran meet in the headquarters of their exclusive club.

Billy: Kay. Minutes from last meeting. First we talked about slime. Then Nerf. We made a short list of things that were gay.

Bobby: Do you have the list handy?

Billy: (Removing a list from his overalls) Yup. Cats, school, homework, hugging your dad, salad, and girls.

Timmy shifts in his seat.

Bobby: Something to say Timmy?

Timmy: Not really. Just-

Bobby: Moving on then.

Bran farts, Billy and Bobby crack up.

Bobby: Epic!

Bobby and Billy high five Bran.

Bobby: Hey Timmy, you didn't high five Bran. You think he beefed for no reason?

Timmy: I dunno. (Lazily reaches out his hand)

Bran looks at Timmy's hand then nervously to Bobby.

Bobby: A low five? Are you kidding? We don't even give those out for SBD's, what's with you?

Timmy: I've been thinking.

Billy: About what, video games?

Bobby: Model planes?

Timmy: No, well yeah, but something else too. This club, it just seems like it's getting old.

Billy: Not following.

Timmy: It's just us. All we do is sit up here in this tree house and fart- which is awesome, but maybe we should invite other people.

Bobby: He's right! Quick we need to make a list of other guys in our class that aren't gay. Let's think.

Timmy: Oh. Yeah, that's an awesome start. We could invite new guys, or even anyone.

Billy: Guys or anyone? Haha, who else is there besides guys?

Bran lets out a long high pitched fart.

Timmy: Like, girls or something, I dunno.

Bobby: I'm going to pretend you're joking.

Timmy: We could invite them up here to make fun of them and stuff.

Billy: I don't know, a girl in the treehouse? That's unheard of.

Timmy: We could make them cook us brownies and we could kiss them and stuff.

Bobby: What did you just say?

Timmy: Cook us brownies.

Bobby: After that.

Timmy: Brownies.

Bobby: No, it was the next thing.

Timmy: Cook for us?

Bobby: No, this isn't how that works. I'm saying what did you say after that and you keep saying the same thing over and over.

Timmy gets a small boner.

Billy: What's with your peep dude? Is it frozen or something?

Timmy: Wha?

Billy: It looks all stiff in your pants.

Bobby: What's your deal?

Bran hits Timmy's penis.

Timmy: (Knocking his hand away) Quit it. I just mean, we should get girls up here and explore each other's bodies.

Bobby: Okay you've lost it. You've really f*cking lost it.

Timmy: Don't you guys ever get curious?

Bobby slaps Timmy hard on the face.

Bobby: Pull yourself together.

Timmy: Forget this club, I'm going to play hopscotch with some chicks.

Billy: That's the ultimate gay

Amount your college friends care

Value of virtual Second Life real estate, in Linden Dollars

Aerosmith concerts attended

Your weight (guys)

Your weight (girls)

How cool you were

How cool you think you were

Number of high school friends who'll be at your wedding. You can always count on Mark, dude. Always.

Every day, the anonymity granted by the Internet flips the a-hole switch for thousands of otherwise decent humans. My coworkers and I have developed thick skins, but we never stop wondering what motivates certain commenters to unleash such brutal tirades, determined to sprinkle everyone else's perfectly good Internet salad with sh*t pepper. We just can't get inside their heads... until now.

Two days ago, a CH reader named Claudio insulted my dear friend Amir's performance in our Font Conference video, noting that "suicide is an option." Amir usually welcomes such constructive criticism, but this time, he made an interesting discovery about his history with Claudio. The full exchange follows.



We know that not everybody will enjoy everything we do, and we love hearing your feedback (good and bad). That said, let this kind of shameless hypocrisy be a lesson to all would-be purposeless haters: Negativity for negativity's sake is gayyyyyyyyyyy. (Keep reading for responses to the burn.)

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

 

RA: Hey Tom, how's it going!?!  If you're hungry I think me and some other people are heading downstairs to the caf to grab some dinner.

Dad: Jason, for the last time, don't call me "Tom," just stick to "Dad." And another thing, why are you always asking me if I want to go to dinner with you and these "other people" you talk about?  You know we always eat together as a family.

RA: Sounds great Tom! Well maybe after dinner we can all get together and paint some bricks and use them as door stops.

Dad: That's another thing Jason, why are you always asking your mother and me to partake in these activities?  I'm not interested in attending a tie-dying party; stop asking. 

Mom: Boys, dinner's ready!

RA: Oh hey Karen, how's it going!?! How'd that history final go?

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.