“April 02. Pretty regular caterpillar stuff. Saw a scary spider. Ate. Saw leaves.”

“April 05. Feeling lethargic. Waved to the scary spider. Ate. Saw leaves.”

“April 07. Exoskeleton itches. Kind of bored. Leaves.”

“April 09. Great idea: I’m going to impress Scary Spider by wrapping myself in this tight little silk thing and hanging upside down. It’s going to be really awesome.”

“April 10. Almost done, just have to get it around my head. This is a pretty weird thing to do.”

“April 11. Done. Not as neat as I expected, though it does have a certain womb-like charm.”

“April 14. Me-time is nice, I guess. I miss the leaves. Seriously, I’m like starving in here.”

“April 15. As I brood certain worldly truths reveal themselves: Gender is a social construct, as is baseball. Our concept of spacetime is greatly flawed. Cocoons smell after a week. I wonder if Scary Spider has noticed me yet.”

“April 16. Ate my second antenna, the first antenna’s only friend-Whoa. What the hell was that? Hello? Is someone in here? Ow! Oh.”

“April 18. Oh God my back hurts terribly!”

“April 19. The pain in my back increases, but I am optimistic.”

“April 21. Holy God! My back, like razors on fire! Must escape this shithole of my own creation! My back- it’s, it’s exploding! My blood is oozing down my legs! All my bones! I can’t feel my eyes. My eyes! Holy Fuck! Oh fuck! Hello?”

“April 23. A light growing bigger. I am dead. This is it. No more pain, God, no mor-  what the..., are, are these wings? They’re, they’re beautiful.”
   

 

 

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Want to be our Cute College Girl of the Week? If so, request to join the exclusive Cute College Girl facebook group for a chance to win 100 bucks in addition to internet fame!

Name: Ashley Bond

Age: 19

Year: Sophomore

School: Kutztown University

Hometown: Hamburg, PA

Major: Business

Favorite Drink: Vanilla Vodka and Diet Coke or Foghorns if they’re made well

If I’m trying to get with you, what should I do? Make me laugh (which isn’t hard), laugh at me, don’t ignore me, know that you’re hot (confidence is soo sexy), treat me well, tell the truth, be a gentleman.

What should I avoid doing? Being boring, quiet or awkward, smelling bad, being rude or mean, telling me I can’t do something or trying to control me.

Have you ever gotten into a fight? I’ve gotten into many verbal fights, I haven’t had to beat anyone up yet though. I don’t give people reasons to want to fight me. But if you want to fight I’ll kick your ass.

What’s your favorite kind of cupcake? I don’t really like cupcakes, or any desserts besides ice cream really, I like baking though.

What’s your most embarrassing college moment? Hmm, I’d have to say the time I passed out with my head in a trashcan up at my friend’s cabin and then proceeded to feel like death the entire drive home, including throwing up several times into a McDonalds paper bag while driving through a town full of people walking around and looking at me through my window. I swore I would never drink after that. I’ve since broken that promise.. many times. But, I have managed to stay away from the paper McDonalds bags.

How high can you count?  I could count very, very high in English, to 100 in Spanish, and to,  hmm, 10 in German.

More pictures of Ashley after the jump!
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Last nights Heroes was awesometacular, I really really enjoyed it.   I was generally surprised that Nathan was actually Sylar!  I had no idea, that moment when he had Claire in his study, he was acting so creepy.  He was most certainly not acting the way a father should, that hug lingered on for just enough for me to report him to child services. 

Nothing has gotten me more excited on this show than Peter’s badassitude.  He is finally an interesting character on this show.  Sweet scar, he’s blasting Nikki/Jessica, he has all these powers and he sits invisible at a strip club, assumedly so he could burn one out in peace.  That moment when Peter squared off with Sylar in the hallway was so ‘Return of the Jedi’ different color radiation powers, pretty reminiscent of Vader and Luke’s light sabers. 

Though more ridiculous than that was Mohinder holding the door shut as he tried to get Hiro and Ando to teleport out.  How the hell was he doing that, he was leaning up against the door, as flashes of bright radiation is swinging it open.  He was holding back presumably the two most powerful ‘people’ on earth just by leaning up against a door? Unless that is Mohinder’s power prevention of entry (I could have used that power when I pledged a frat).

I also liked that Parkman became a real scumbag, mostly because I couldn’t give two shits what he was doing before.  He is fucking over people left and right tasering poor little Hiro and hiding his own kid presumably with powers (probably that kid from the previews, I want to give up watching previews but I just can’t).

Speaking of previews what is that little kid’s power?  The kid that is presumably more ridiculous than everyone else?  Speaking of ridiculous how could they have never found that timeline in Isaac’s loft?  Is that the best place for Hiro to set up the Palace of Hirotude?  Ok enough of these speaking ofs! Speaking of enough here are some complaints I have about the show

-The plotline is following a plot very similar to that of ‘The Watchmen’ by Alan Moore one of the greatest comics every written. 

-It is also similar to ‘The Civil War’ no not the one fought over ‘slavery’ (still don’t believe that exists).   I am talking about the Civil War from Marvel Comics, which kind of copied the Watchmen and now Heroes is kind of copying.

-This plotline is also pretty similar to the plot of America, the country that a lot of us live in.  Seems as though Jeff Kring is pretty anti-Giuliani.

Also is the Haitian finally dead?  Can I rest easy and know that I will remember this tomorrow? 

Wait hold on one second there is someone at the door, I will be right back…
Oh Fuck.

The Morning After Heroes 4.30.07

Last nights Heroes was awesometacular, I really really enjoyed it.   I was generally surprised that Nathan was actually Sylar!  I had no ide…I am having such bad déjà vu right now...don't know what it could be

 

 

Odds that you're a Mass Communications major

Amount of knowledge you'll retain once finals are over

Amount of cheating earned

Amount you complain about studying

Obnoxious desire to quote Descartes in conversation

Procrasturbation sessions

Amount you like that kid down the hall with the Ritalin prescription

 

This episode was so good that even Washington was interesting.  Powers takes a call from Russian President Suvarov, who subtly informs him that (1) he knows that the Chinese have the component thing, (2) that we have a military base in Central Asia (what? where?), and (3) that if we don’t fix number (1), he’s going to fucking destroy number (2).  Powers has the right answer, that none of this would have happened if the Russians kept tabs on Boris the Blade, who a few hours ago almost blew up California, but no dice, it’s almost WW3 all over again.  There’s no way the Russians should have known about the Chinese or the component, so Lennox suspects a spy, and pretty much instantly discovers it’s some lobbyist named Mark who gave Lisa Miller a spicy eight-minute bone in the first part of the show!  More great work by the CIA, by the way, who apparently knew this guy was working for the Russians a couple years ago but let it slide.  Go back to leaning on your shovels, assholes.  Later on, Lisa returns to the White House for some very creepy breathing by Powers, now in full-on Senator Roark mode, who calls her on her sexual treason and threatens to throw the icy bitch in an old refrigerator if she doesn’t work with Lennox to un-fuck this whole debacle. 

Cheng Zhi is driving around in the wilderness of Los Angeles County, holding his little component in his hand and talking on the phone.  His computer guy finds out the thing is damaged (Cheng, come on, it’s basically a computer chip which you’ve been holding in your hand while driving in a Humvee over rough terrain – what the hell did you expect?), and it’s useless without someone who can bypass the security code, prompting everyone watching to suddenly be very concerned as to Morris’ whereabouts.  For the love of god, Morris, please get drunk and knock yourself out until this blows over.  Cheng (whom everyone calls “Chang” now) is pissed about the  computer chip, and, from the preview, it looks like the Chinese are very, very serious about finding someone to fix the thing.

The main story at CTU is the rise of Nadia, and it’s about damn time.  Filling out the pants of authority with peppy aplomb, Nadia doesn’t care if the fucking system is overloaded, she doesn’t give a crap about Morris’ personal problems with Chloe, she thinks Karen’s firing of Buchanan was bullshit, and oh, Milo?  When Mike gets here, send him to meet me in medical, bitch.  Nadia’s only mistake is not to immediately trust Jack, who has been brought back to CTU with Audrey and wants to talk to her.  Nadia, come on, the first rule of running CTU is that Jack is always right (rule two, as always, is that you do not talk about Fight Club).  Jack’s locked up while Nadia lets the “doctors” from Division check out Audrey (the prognosis? she’s a mess).  Before Division can force Audrey conscious and probably kill her, Mike springs Jack and Jack rescues Audrey.  I can’t imagine any of CTU’s internal security guys really want to be the first one to find Jack, so he has time to coax some consciousness out of Audrey, who gives up “Bloomfield” as a Cheng-clue.  After a couple of seconds, they find out that Bloomfield is a copper plant, and Audrey’s covered in copper dust, so there ya go.  Nadia shuts down the Division guys and gets kudos from Doyle.  I’m liking CTU with Nadia wearing the pants, except that she’s literally wearing the pants. 

Moment of Gravitas: At the close of the show, Secretary Heller shows up to take Audrey home, but not before dropping by to visit Jack.  After telling Jack to stay away from Audrey forever, Heller puts his forehead on ultra-wrinkle and sneers, “You’re cursed, Jack.  Everyone you touch one way or another ends up dead.”  With gravitas like that, you don’t even have a response... Such as, you know, why are you in a suit at 2:00 am?  Or, where the fuck were you when Audrey was getting her brain fried by Cheng? 

Chloe’s minute: Acceding to my demands for More Nadia, 24 had no choice but to reduce Chloe’s role to about a minute per hour.  This week, Morris makes her cry for telling him how he fucked up by arming nuclear weapons for terrorists last week.  Apparently, for Morris, it’s over.  Weren’t they divorced already?  Well, it’s double-over!  Unless the divorce was during one of Morris’ blackouts, technically, but that’s a stretch.  This paragraph was longer than Chloe’s entire script.

 

 

Written with Amir Blumenfeld.

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A hive of bees is alive and bustling. A human approaches, and is noticed by one of the bees, who turns to the swarm in a panic.

Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!

(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)

Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!

Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-

(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)

Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?

Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?

(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)

Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?

Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.

(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.

English: Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

Communication: Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

Philosophy: Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

Contra: Up up down down left right left right B A start

Business: Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

Biology: Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

Elementary Education: Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

Art: Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

Physics: Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
 

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Left-Side-Of-Brain: Hmm, what do you want to dream about tonight, Hank?
Right Brain: Falling off a cliff?
Left Brain: ...You always say that...
Right Brain: How about that cute girl in English? I'd like to anec her dote!
Left Brain: Not tonight, Jason's with his girlfriend.
Right Brain: Fine party-pooper, you start us off...
Left Brain: Alright. Jason, you are playing Guess Who in your living room. All your friends and family are there. You guess your opponent's character in one turn. Everyone goes nuts! Someone hands you a prize. You open it.
Right Brain: It's a big, black dildo! Then you start making out with Lindsay Lohan!
Left Brain: Huh?
Right Brain: Out of nowhere you starting falling from an airplane! Oh crap, your penis just fell off of your body!
Left Brain: God damnit! He has an exam tomorrow. He needs good sleep! Jason, you are not scared. You are not feeling panicked. Although you are falling from the sky, you are completely relaxed. You look to your right and you see a beautiful -
Right Brain: Criss Angel. He's nude and he's putting hot wax on his testicles.   KEEP READING

Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...

Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running.  KEEP READING

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It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.

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