Daniel Tosh is one of the most popular comedians in the nation. He is a regular performer on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and has appeared on other late night shows with David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Kilborn, as well as numerous comedy specials. I asked him about his first open-mic performance, advice for kids today, and his upcoming Comedy Central stand-up special.


Nearly all stand-up comedians have horror stories when they talk about the first time they performed in front of an audience. Was your first set any different?

DANIEL TOSH: I had a 17 minute standing ovation after my first set. Ok, what really happened was that I looked in an Orlando newspaper when I was 19, found an open-mic night. I just assumed it was for comedy, turns out it was for music. They said "Sure you can do stand-up." It was also a contest, so I had to pay $10 and the audience, which was the people eating in the restaurant that night would judge it. After my second joke I was getting rim shots from the drummer who was setting up. I didn't stick around but I assume I won, so if you ran that room and are reading this, send me my fucking $80 first prize, asshole!


You’re known for your racy topics that make light of subjects such as rape, racism, and homophobia. Are there any topics that you won't touch?

DT: I really have no good juggling material, maybe because crowds don't guffaw over the two tennis ball routine.


Where is your favorite place to perform at and why?

DT: I'm a homer, so the closer to my house the better (Hermosa Beach). If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare. Bitch, don't lie to me!


What would you be doing if you didn't have a career in comedy?

DT: I would probably be famous.


One of your jokes is about a father giving his young son the birds-and-the-bees talk, telling him that girls his age "wouldn't dress like that if they didn't wanna get fingered."  What other special advice do you have for today's youth?

DT: Don't throw my words back in my face! In all seriousness, the only advice I have for today's youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I’m watching a commercial.


Any plans to release another CD at any time?
 
DT: I'm sure the new DVD will be released in CD form as well, but it may have some of my old stuff on it. I have no control of what Comedy Central actually airs, I did about an hour and half and then it’s up to them. Most of my old stuff I usually have mixed up anyway, because I forgot how it goes.


Who is your favorite comedian?

DT: Hands down, Wesley Snipes. I also love Dave Chappelle, Nick Swardson, Greg Hahn, Eddie Gossling, Louis CK, Sean Rouse, Dave Attell, and the raunchy grandmother!


What do you like better: working in television or doing stand-up?

DT: Whatever will pay me the most money with the least amount of effort or time.... and my film career speaks for itself.


Besides your new Comedy Central special, do you have any projects that you are currently working on?

DT: I have a new book coming out called "Hey, just because the slut ain't into you don't mean you can't plow her tonight." It's a coloring book for kids.


Finally, in one word, how would you sum up your career so far?

DT: Gay.

Thanks to Daniel for taking the time to answer questions. You can find more of him at his website or watch his Comedy Central stand-up special this Sunday night.

I know I'm not the only one who was upset with the way The Sopranos concluded.  I'm all for artists' having the right to express their vision however they see fit, but when you're at the helm of a beloved and cherished television program you have some responsibility to your viewers.  After all, it is their devotion, through thick and thin, through seasons 4 and 5, that kept your show on the air for so long. 

That's why when the show ended suddenly with an echoing "Don't Stop," I felt betrayed.  I had invested many hours of my life watching this show, knowing that at some point there would be a conclusive finale.  I think, more than anything, that

April 1st, 10:18 AM

911 Operator - 911.  What's your emergency.

Kid - You have to help me!

911 Operator - Calm down, young man.  What is your emergency?

Kid - It's my dad, he's hurt really bad!

911 Operator - I'm dispatching an ambulance right now.  Can you tell me how he got hurt?

Kid - He got into an argument with our neighbor, Seymour Butts, and then Mr. Butts hit my dad with a hammer and they both fell down.  My dad is bleeding a lot.  Mr. Butts is bleeding too.  You've gotta help me. 

911 Operator - You think this is funny?  Crank calling 911?

Kid - Please ma'am.  He's shaking a little now.  Please.

911 Operator - I get it, kid.  I get it.  You and your little friends probably sat around and thought about this for a while.  "Hmmm," you said to yourselves, "what should we do for April Fools day."  And then one of you little brats said, "hey, let's crank call 911." 

Kid - He's turning white.  Really white.  Please.

911 Operator - HA!  I'm not falling for that.  You know it's against the law to place a false call to 911?  Did you know that, you little turd?

Kid - Daddy?  Oh my god, Daddy? 

911 Operator - I don;t make a lot of money, ok?  I've got an apartment to pay for and a piece of crap car, so I don't need this sh*t, you got it? I already got crank calls about a fire, two rapes and a stabbing today and they were wayyyyy more convincing than you. 

Kid - I want my mommmy, I want my mommy, I want my mommy...

911 Operator - And I want a raise.  Hope your April Fool's Day prank was worth it. 

The 911 Operator hangs up. 

Kid (to friends) - Hahaha, she totally bought it!

High fives

Just answer the questions below to see if you're in for a delicious, late-night snack or a night in the emergency room getting your stomach pumped!

Is that "thing in your fridge":
Food (0 points)
A food container (1 point)
Shelving (2 points)
A motor (3 points)

It is located:
On the top shelf, in the front (0 points)
In a storage compartment on the the door (1 point)
In the crisper, behind an onion that's beginning to germinate (2 points)
Hiding in the dark behind the Arm & Hammer baking soda (3 Points)

Essay Prompt from the June 2007 SAT I:
Have modern advancements truly improved the quality of people's lives?

INT. College Board Headquarters—A Balmy Night in the Recent Past

SAT Woman: So here it is, "Have modern advancements truly improved the quality of people's lives?"

SAT Man: I wish I could see their faces when they read that one. They're 17, it's 9am on a Saturday, and they have to write an essay about the relationship between modern advancements and quality of life. Brilliant!

SAT Woman: We're good, it's true. The trick is to get prompts that trap the kids into writing essays using exactly the same examples as each other so that the people who grade them get bored and take off an unwarranted number of points.

SAT Man: Prompts that just prompt people to write about the Civil Rights Movement and/or The Great Gatsby.

SAT Woman: It's so easy to trick these silly fools because high schools don't teach anything but those two topics.

SAT Man: And because their minds are blank and they feel like they're going to hurl because their moms made them eat eggs before the test because they read something about them being a good source of "brain fuel."

SAT Woman: By the way, good job prompting that bogus rumor.

It's over. The Sopranos is over. The last episode left millions of people confused. Confused, and then angry at their cable providers. Angry at their cable providers, and then angry at David Chase (upon seeing the credits and realizing there was nothing wrong with their TVs.) "Bullsh*t!" people screamed at their television sets and into cell phones to friends and family. "That really sucked ass!" "Disappointing f*cking bullsh*t!" was typed in message boards across the globe.**

So was the ending a big, lame, letdown, or was it a poignant, subtle, cyclical masterpiece? I don't know. I mean I do know, but this column isn't about analyzing television, it's about sex and relationships and stuff. That being said, I did have this whole other column planned entitled, "Give a Sh*t about the Clit AND the Tit" but I ended up just repeating that (very important message!) over and over again and it somehow ended on a masturbation tangent.

How goes it, ladies and germs? It's great to be back at CollegeHumor, just fantastic. The name's Marty, but everyone calls me "The Rib-Tickler." You know, I used to kill at this joint. Then in '72 they gave Marty the ol' heave-ho. According to the fat cats upstairs, my gags were growing a little stale. "You want stale?" I told them, "Try my wife's cooking!"

I'll tell you the straight truth: Getting 86-ed was the best thing that ever happened to this old showman. These days I'm hosting a dynamite variety show Tuesdays and Thursdays up at Foxwoods. Sure, they pay me in buffet vouchers and I have to be off the stage by 7 o'clock to make room for some fruity Polish circus, but I get to score some knock-out grass from the Native Americans working the Keno booth.

Meanwhile, CH's material is dead in the water—and that's two cents you can take to the bank, ladies and germs. I got four decades in this biz under my belt, and if there's one thing I know, it's comedy. Where are all the motorized bowties? When's the last time someone spat out a glass of water because his wife crashed the Studebaker? I'll tell you where they are: six feet under, with all the greats of yesteryear—Donnie Rickman, "Crazy" Rodney Mershowitz, the Dancin' Thompson brothers.

These new kids couldn't joke their way out of a cardboard box. And I should know—I lived in one in the back of a Burbank Sam's Club for a brief period in the mid '80s after an open mic I was hosting fired me for doing my classic blackface routine. I don't get it. That bit used to bring the house down at Jackie's Joke Barn. If smearing shoe polish across your mug and singing "Camptown Races" while doing a soft shoe doesn't get a laugh anymore, then this biz is in serious trouble.

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

 

RA: Hey Tom, how's it going!?!  If you're hungry I think me and some other people are heading downstairs to the caf to grab some dinner.

Dad: Jason, for the last time, don't call me "Tom," just stick to "Dad." And another thing, why are you always asking me if I want to go to dinner with you and these "other people" you talk about?  You know we always eat together as a family.

RA: Sounds great Tom! Well maybe after dinner we can all get together and paint some bricks and use them as door stops.

Dad: That's another thing Jason, why are you always asking your mother and me to partake in these activities?  I'm not interested in attending a tie-dying party; stop asking. 

Mom: Boys, dinner's ready!

RA: Oh hey Karen, how's it going!?! How'd that history final go?

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.