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  • A Prompt SAT Meeting

    by Susanna Wolff June 15, 2007
    Essay Prompt from the June 2007 SAT I:
    Have modern advancements truly improved the quality of people's lives?

    INT. College Board Headquarters—A Balmy Night in the Recent Past

    SAT Woman:     So here it is, "Have modern advancements truly improved the quality of people's lives?"

    SAT Man: I wish I could see their faces when they read that one. They're 17, it's 9am on a Saturday, and they have to write an essay about the relationship between modern advancements and quality of life. Brilliant!

    SAT Woman: We're good, it's true. The trick is to get prompts that trap the kids into writing essays using exactly the same examples as each other so that the people who grade them get bored and take off an unwarranted number of points.

    SAT Man: Prompts that just prompt people to write about the Civil Rights Movement and/or The Great Gatsby.

    SAT Woman: It's so easy to trick these silly fools because high schools don't teach anything but those two topics.

    SAT Man: And because their minds are blank and they feel like they're going to hurl because their moms made them eat eggs before the test because they read something about them being a good source of "brain fuel."

    SAT Woman: By the way, good job prompting that bogus rumor.
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  • Are You Sopranos Series Finale Sex?

    by Mindy Raf June 13, 2007
    It's over. The Sopranos is over. The last episode left millions of people confused. Confused, and then angry at their cable providers. Angry at their cable providers, and then angry at David Chase (upon seeing the credits and realizing there was nothing wrong with their TVs.) "Bullsh*t!" people screamed at their television sets and into cell phones to friends and family. "That really sucked ass!" "Disappointing f*cking bullsh*t!" was typed in message boards across the globe.**

    So was the ending a big, lame, letdown, or was it a poignant, subtle, cyclical masterpiece? I don't know. I mean I do know, but this column isn't about analyzing television, it's about sex and relationships and stuff. That being said, I did have this whole other column planned entitled, "Give a Sh*t about the Clit AND the Tit" but I ended up just repeating that (very important message!) over and over again and it somehow ended on a masturbation tangent.
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  • Marty "The Rib-Tickler" Lewis: CollegeHumor's First Contributor

    by Patrick Cassels June 13, 2007
    How goes it, ladies and germs? It's great to be back at CollegeHumor, just fantastic. The name's Marty, but everyone calls me "The Rib-Tickler." You know, I used to kill at this joint. Then in '72 they gave Marty the ol' heave-ho. According to the fat cats upstairs, my gags were growing a little stale. "You want stale?" I told them, "Try my wife's cooking!"

    I'll tell you the straight truth: Getting 86-ed was the best thing that ever happened to this old showman. These days I'm hosting a dynamite variety show Tuesdays and Thursdays up at Foxwoods. Sure, they pay me in buffet vouchers and I have to be off the stage by 7 o'clock to make room for some fruity Polish circus, but I get to score some knock-out grass from the Native Americans working the Keno booth.

    Meanwhile, CH's material is dead in the water—and that's two cents you can take to the bank, ladies and germs. I got four decades in this biz under my belt, and if there's one thing I know, it's comedy. Where are all the motorized bowties? When's the last time someone spat out a glass of water because his wife crashed the Studebaker? I'll tell you where they are: six feet under, with all the greats of yesteryear—Donnie Rickman, "Crazy" Rodney Mershowitz, the Dancin' Thompson brothers.

    These new kids couldn't joke their way out of a cardboard box. And I should know—I lived in one in the back of a Burbank Sam's Club for a brief period in the mid '80s after an open mic I was hosting fired me for doing my classic blackface routine. I don't get it. That bit used to bring the house down at Jackie's Joke Barn. If smearing shoe polish across your mug and singing "Camptown Races" while doing a soft shoe doesn't get a laugh anymore, then this biz is in serious trouble.
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  • Photobooth Breakup

    by Jeff Rosenberg June 20, 2007
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  • A Letter to Dakota Fanning from Jodie Merson, Former BFF.

    by Elaine Carroll June 18, 2007

    Dear Dakota,

    It’s Jodie. Jodie Merson from Grover Creek Elementary. Remember me?  We went to elementary school together before you moved off to Hollywood to become a big f*cking star.  Still don’t remember me?  Well, just to refresh your memory, I’m the girl who beat you for the role of the Blue Fairy in our first grade production of “Pinocchio”. I’m also the girl who won the spelling bee in 2nd grade, the same year you got disqualified for misspelling blueberry. Remember me yet? I’m your worst f*cking nightmare.

    You’ll be happy to know I beat out nearly 20 other girls for the role of Baby Louise in the Grover Creek Junior Community Theatre Players production of “Gypsy”. Well, I’m actually the understudy but whatever, it’s a really big deal.  Just short of doing a Spielberg film as far as I’m concerned.  The director said I had a lot of potential, and I said “More than Dakota?” and he said “Who?”… You see that!?  Not everyone knows who you are!  You’re not as famous as I’m going to be! I’m a REAL actress, and I can act the pants off of you and you know it! In our kindergarten class I played a snowflake and the teacher gave me a motherf*cking SOLO! Do you remember who you were in that recital?!? You were just one of the many lowly Rainy Day Umbrella Dancers, AND THAT’S ALL YOU’LL EVER BE!!!!

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  • CH Sports Weekly: Always a No-Hitter. Always.

    by Amir and Ethan June 13, 2007

    Ethan:     As is always the case this time of year, the big news this week has centered around pro basketball. I know the league hasn't been as popular in recent years, but can you believe that Chamique Holdsclaw would just retire out of the blue like that? I'm shocked. I don't know if I'll ever watch the WNBA again.

    "He fouled me! Also I want better teammates! Or maybe a trade!"
    Amir: As a Sparks fan I can tell you the feeling right now in Los Angeles is one of disbelief. People are demanding their season tickets back.

    Ethan: I wore my Sparks jersey to a bar last night and people were laughing at me. I assume because of this Holdsclaw thing. Let's talk about men's basketball to take our minds off of it. Man, how epically stupid of me was it to pick the Cavs last week? You're a terrible friend for not saving me from that embarrassment.

    Amir: Hey its not over, the Cavs could still make a late push and trade the rest of their team for four decent players. Are the Cavs the worst team the Spurs have played in the playoffs?

    Ethan: No, they're better than the Nuggets. Tim Duncan also played in a charity game against some middle schoolers last month, and with the right calls, I think the Cavs could take them in a seven game series.

    Amir: Rise Up!

    Ethan: Should LeBron have gotten the foul call at the end of the game last night? Would it even matter?
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  • Are you going abroad next semester?

    by Streeter Seidell June 13, 2007
    I'm looking for someone to write a weekly column about studying abroad, preferably in an English speaking country (NOT Canada).  Before you email run down this checklist and make sure you qualify.
    • Funny writer
    • Studying for Fall semester
    • Regular internet access
    • Able to file weekly column
    • Planning on traveling once you're there

    If you're interested, email me at Streeter.Seidell@gmail.com with the subject 'Study Abroad' and let me know where you're going and attach a writing sample. 
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  • Ask The Interns

    by Jeff Rosenberg June 14, 2007
    Let's get this week started with a question that's on all our viewers' minds.  Where the hell is Street Fighter: The Later Years? We want more Street Fighter!

    Those of us here in the CH Originals department got away from Street Fighter for a while to work on other things. But don't worry! Sam (CH’s talented/bearded director and the creator of the series) and I crafted the story for the remaining episodes, and I’ve been working on the scripts for the last two months. The epic tale of honor, passion and Hadoukens will continue with seven new installments, and they will be released starting in the middle of the summer. Thanks for your patience – we’re looking forward to the new episodes as much as you are.
          - Dan Gurewitch

    Last week Jason Fox asked: Are you guys actually doing stuff at CollegeHumor which could be put on a resume, or is most of your day spent f*cking around
    on CollegeHumor.com? It would be great if this is a good resume builder and not just a four month keg stand for you guys.

    Intern Kevin (Kevintern) decided to answer this one for you guys: That's an excellent question Jason. Anything can be used on a resume if you know how to put the right spin on it. Here are just a few examples:
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