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Prank War Continued: Streeter Bombs
by Amir Blumenfeld April 23, 2007
I decided in order to raise the stakes, I would need to embarrass him in front of 100 strangers.
I call this latest installment of the prank war: "Streeter Bombs." Warning: Very Uncomfortable.
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Deaf Poetry Jam
by DJNewStyle April 23, 2007As a child a schoolmate asked
why my speech was not so clear
His mouth had moved and his words projected
but, ASSHOLE, I cannot hear.
Oh, how terrible they were to me
they'd abuse me all day long
They'd tie me down and call me names
and lip-synch shitty songs
My life was hell, I must say so
but if I did you'd probably laugh
You pricks would ask, "Who stars in Scrubs?"
because its funny when I say Zach Braff
A gym class whistle, an atomic bomb
to me they sound the same
When I ride my bike I can't hear shit
and get hit while in passing lanes
I long to hear a rooster
or the noise from a car's ignition
but my fingers tire, so I'll stop typing
and finish with Speech recognition
Derrrp deehh denny deeeddy
daaddddddem enda enda ooh
reaaah reeeeeh roommmey
raahdeeppy deeepy roooooon
Deaaaamy daaab bedddy
reaaaaaamy roooop aah doop
benddda blennna beeenda bent
daa dooop dee dooppp de doop
DEE DEND
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The Morning After The Sopranos
by Matt Hulten April 23, 2007
If there’s a bad way to wake up, it’s being woken up with the news that a body you buried from a hit over 20 years ago is in danger of being unearthed linking you to the crime is pretty close to the top of the list (although waking up hungover in a pool of blood is also a pretty bad way to wake up, but that’s neither here nor there). Tony is informed of this unpleasant news which means he and Paulie are forced to take a road trip to Miami and wait for things at home to cool off. Would this be a road trip filled with crazy shenanigans, male bonding, and hookers in Tijuana? Not so much. Instead it’s a road trip filled with distrust and unease revolving around the idea of fatherly mentors and how those mentors can let you down. It was another episode filled with interesting moments but which seemed to focus on the past and lumber backwards as opposed to moving towards the finale.
While Tony sees the entire ordeal as another burden in the life that he’s chosen, Paulie seems to look at it as a vacation, a chance to get out of the house. As the trip progresses Tony begins to see Paulie less as the man who he once wished was he father and more as one of those crazy old bastards who will tell endless stories about their grandkids to any complete stranger unfortunate enough to be dragged into the conversation. Discussing the problem with "guy from the old neighborhood" Beansie over dinner and then later with a random blond girl he just got done plowing, Tony expresses both his concern in Paulie’s overall integrity, but also how much he looked up to Paulie back in the day, leaving him feeling torn about the situation.Tony, already strongly questioning Paulie’s usefulness at this point, then makes a horrific discovery and witnesses Paulie shrieking in delightful laughter as he unwinds with a little "Nick at Nite" in his hotel room. This seems to shake Tony’s faith in Paulie more than anything else, because apparently none of Paulie’s previous antics said "I’m batshit insane" as much as laughing at the antics of Mr. Roper and Jack Tripper.
This leads to the single most suspenseful scene of the season thus far, as Tony and Paulie rent a boat to take in some deep sea fishing, which of course is La Cosa Nostra code for brutal murder. Paulie recognizes the situation immediately, remembering both how Big Pussy was murdered in a like-wise fashion and also how he’s currently in Miami, where many old people go to die. On the boat, Tony interrogates him, indirectly questioning his allegiance to the family. While Paulie maintains his loyalty to the Soprano family, Tony still seems to distrust him. He spots a knife in a nearby cooler and struggles with the idea that maybe he might be better off without Paulie around. Knife or beer? Beer or knife? Tony finally decides to spare Paulie, tossing him a brew instead of gouging out his insides, which was nice. Paulie later sends him an expresso maker as a way of saying "Thanks for not killing me and dumping my body in the ocean" (because apparently Hallmark doesn’t have a card to cover that) but it’s acts of compassion such as this that will probably lead to Tony’s downfall in the end.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, that pesky body that started this whole mess? Turns out the Feds just conveniently placed the blame elsewhere. I took this as one of the many "Tony thinks everything is coming up Milhouse, when in fact, it’s a smaller charge overlooked because the Feds are building up a RICO case against him." Such is the life of the Soprano family.
And speaking of the Soprano family, the show also provided a glimpse into the terribly depressing world of a character we haven’t seen in a while, Uncle Junior. A major factor in the first half of this season (you’ll remember he shot Tony and then wandered around New Jersey in his robe and slippers), Junior is currently confined to his prison/retirement home. Desperate to regain even a shred of his old life, Junior has taken up the role of Randle McMurphy, bribing guards, holding poker games, telling jokes he occasionally forgets the punch lines too and occasionally wetting himself. Ah, life is grand. He even makes a friend in Carter, his own little Short Round, a young man so desperate for a father-figure that he looks up to Junior Soprano, because apparently the mental patient that laughs and cries randomly was too busy.The relationship between the two, however, proves to be positive, albeit in a dysfunctional way. Carter gets a mock mentor in the old man and Carter inspires flashes of the old Junior. These flashes come mainly in the form of him kicking the tenure out of "the Professor", another inmate who squealed on Junior and broke up his poker game. Small acts of rebellion, such as almost beating a man to death, soon lead to more torment by the staff and fellow inmates and Junior seems to accept his fate and give up. Seeing his mentor defeated leads Carter to smother Junior with a pillow and then throw that huge water fountain thing out the window to run to free-er, I mean, beat the holy hell out of Junior for becoming another let down of a father-figure and a shell of the shell that was his former self. We leave Junior a broken and beaten man, both in body and mind, and seemingly down for the count. Is this another possible foreshadowing of Tony’s future? Perhaps if he doesn’t change his ways and leave the life behind, he’ll be the one sitting in a wheel chair, stroking a cat, and staring vacantly into the distance (and not in the good way like he was doing at the lake). Or is it a gentle reminder to the core Sopranos audience of males ages 18-45 that getting old is the worst possible thing in the world and you should hold onto youth with both hands and refuse to ever let go, even if it means looking like a complete fool as you face the icy stare of death with a Guitar Hero controller swung around your neck. Could go either way really.
While the majority of the episode dealt with the Soprano family, we did get a brief glance into life on the other side of the river. Last week, with Little Carmine bowing out by choice and Gerry Torciano getting his brains blown out not so much by choice, the two chief rivals for the head of the New York family were Phil Leotardo and some other guy who’s name I’m not going to bother to look up. While in some places, like the America that exists only in our imaginations, a man can be voted into an important position by the decision of the masses, life doesn’t quite work like that in the Mafia. Here it’s just easier to kill your opponent, which to be fair, is probably more civil than producing a horribly slanderous commercial about your political opponent which not so subtly paints them as a racist or a child molester. So that other guy gets shot in the eye by three men who apparently felt the best way to look inconspicuous during a hit was to dress up as Run-DMC. This clears the way for a now hungry, angry, eye-of-the-tiger-ish, Phil to either take control of New York or just raise hell his own way and challenge a somewhat confused and apathetic Tony. We now know that Phil will crush anything that stands in his way to wield total power. Unfortunately, we can’t say the same for Mr. Soprano. Too bad his mom isn’t around to try another assassination attempt. That really got Tony’s mojo working last time.
See More: The Morning After The Sopranos -
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Two Web Browsers Making Small Talk While Waiting For A Bus
by Streeter Seidell April 23, 2007Browser 1: http://www.weather.com/weather/wxdetail/10013?from=36hr_fcst_undeclared
Browser 2: http://www.weather.com/weather/weekend/10013?from=tenDay_topnav_undeclared
Browser 1: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=270419110 ?
Browser 2: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?statsId=5275
Browser 1: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2843381
Browser 1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_City ?
Browser 2: http://www.city.pittsburgh.pa.us/
Browser 1: http://www.alumni.pitt.edu/
Broswer 2: http://pittsburgh.citysearch.com/profile/8602797/pittsburgh_pa/fat_head_s_south_side_saloon.html
Browser 1: http://pittsburgh.citysearch.com/profile/8630188/pittsburgh_pa/franklin_inn.html
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Interview With Ben Gleib
by Streeter Seidell April 23, 2007
Hey Ben, it’s crazy that you’re going to be on this big new show on NBC. Remember when you were just another comedian and CollegeHumor contributor?
I do not remember my past. That way I can repeat it. But if I had any memories of contributing to CollegeHumor, I'm sure they would have been pleasant, and probably involved feeling that my articles and videos were inadequate compared to hot girls kissing.
It’s incredible how quickly you’ve risen. Do you ever forget the people who helped you along the way? People who posted your videos, writing and/or linked to your site?
They say when you make it big, you have to make sure to forget everyone that got you there. That way you can stay humble. This makes sense to me. Because if you remember all the people that were involved, that helped you, you'll start feeling important. Like you need this big team of people. By thinking that you did it all yourself, you can remain more innocent.
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The Cafeteria
by Chris Richman May 07, 2007
O Casserole, Casserole! What food art thou, Casserole?
Your description reads, “Sunday Surprise”
‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself though, a true surprise?
What’s a surprise? It is nor meat, nor grain,
Nor fish, nor cheese, nor any other part
Of the food pyramid. O! Be some other name:
What’s in a name? That which we call “taco”
By any other name would rock as hard (or soft);
So Casserole would, were it not Casserole call’d,
Retain that tasty smell which even now wafts
Up to my nose. Casserole, doff thy name;
If you won’t, then I’ll be forced
To eat some cereal.Think you can write a funnier poem than this one? Post it as an article and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.
Check out past poems here.
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Good Thing You Stopped Reading "Goosebumps"
by Dan Gurewitch April 24, 2007Many of us read the Goosebumps series, from #1 ("Welcome To Dead House") to #62 ("Monster Blood IV"). But few know that after #62, author R.L. Stine kept writing for another decade. As these excerpts show, the later installments lacked that certain creative spark.#812: Something About A Werewolf XXVII
Janice walked towards the door, the very scary door or whatever. It was dark, so she couldn't see anything at all, especially not – you guessed it – werewolves. Well anyway, the door creaked, she heard a sinister laugh, there was thunder and lightning, and long story short something ate her face. So there she is without a face, yadda yadda yadda, there's blood everywhere, a clown, a ventriloquist dummy, some more lightning, a mummy showed up and did some stuff, and that was pretty much it.#944: The Chafing Loofah
Randy turned on the shower faucet, humming a cheery tune. What he did not realize was that something evil was lurking in the shower. Something on the end of a stick, next to the Pantene Pro-V. His supple buttocks glistened, unaware of what was to come. He picked up the loofah and began to cleanse himself with it, rubbing and lathering for far too long. Soon, a slight pink area began to develop on his skin. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed, his buttocks rashed, a clown, a ventriloquist dummy, and Randy began to feel… mildly uncomfortable.
See More: Goosebumps Books -
Jake Explains It All
by Jake Hurwitz April 23, 2007
How To Have Anal Sex With Your Girlfriend
Accidentally.
See More: Crazy Cool College Tips -
Benefit for families of victims of VA Tech
by Steve Hofstetter April 24, 2007I've been writing for CollegeHumor.com for seven years now and performing at colleges for five, which means I'm sketchy and old. But it also means I've seen your reactions to everything from 9/11 to the Tsunami to Katrina, and seen how the rest of the world says college students are apathetic. Hey, some of us might be pathetic, but we are not apathetic. I said "We" as if I'm still in college. See? Pathetic.
My point is that I was inspired this week by the outpouring of support for Virginia Tech. So some comedian friends and I are driving to Strasburg, VA on May 2nd to perform a benefit for the families of those lost in this tragedy. Please keep that support going and take a road trip down for the show. It stars Denis Donohue, Phil Mazo, Rich Ragains, Vince Martin, Jody Kerns, Dan Levy, Tony Boswell, Tony Deyo, Vanessa Hollingshead, and me. And you.
You can donate directly if you can't attend. And at the very least, join the facebook group. For everyone that joins, I'm donating a penny to the cause. But don't poke me. If you poke me, I will track you down and give you a wedgie. Seriously, don't poke me.
May 2nd, 8PM
Strasburg Theater
151 W. King Street
Strasburg, VA
$25 tickets ($15 with student ID and promocode STUDENT)
100% of the gross goes to the cause
So, CollegeHumor.com, tell your friends, and hope to see you there. Show the world what college students can do. Well, what college students and a sketchy old guy can do.
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Number of forks in your dorm room
Thrill of stealing
Plastic dishes washed at your place
Plastic dishes thrown out at your place
Number of backpacks with chicken residue in the bottom
Times you've tried sledding on a dining hall tray
See More: The Graphic Truth -
See More: Collegehumor Classic -
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It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. This week I'm posting 10 awesome confessions because I've got so many good ones. Don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.
Paulie, remember when your girlfriend told my girlfriend that I cheated on her? Remember how she broke up with me because of it, and hasn't talked to me for a year? Remember how that same night at Murray's party, your girlfriend passed out drunk on the couch at 2am? Remember how she woke up the next morning with her ponytail cut off, and her eyebrows shaved? Remember how pissed you were, and how embarrassed and angry she was? Yeah, that was me. Tell your b*tch to mind her own business.
Ryan Lyvar, Southern Connecticut State University
Remember when some a hole filled your shampoo bottle up with Baby oil which cause you to slip in the shower, breaking your jaw and forcing you to wear the retarded face brace? The ironic part was that a hole did it 'cause you ate my god damn food and didn't replace it. We aren't all as rich as you, you piece of sh*t.
Ryan Jenkerson, Missouri State
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World News Feed
by CH Staff 4 days ago
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It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here!
I had a roommate my sophomore year who suffered from a mild case of OCD. At first it was cool, because he always cleaned and did my laundry (it bothered him if it got too high in the basket). We had a good system (which he willingly proposed); I paid for the beer every weekend and he cleaned all week. However, one day I read an IM he left up on his computer telling his friend how he got fed up with they way things were working, so he started putting little pieces of meat in my food when I was out of the room (I'm a vegetarian). In retaliation, once a week, I pissed in the ice trays he used daily. I later found out the meat thing was a one time deal, but the piss continued until I moved out at the end of the Spring semester. Sorry Ryan...but not really.
Chuck Smitty, Penn State
My roommate tried to kill himself in freshman year (he thought that he was this girls boyfriend but she told him no). After that he started a diary. It was cool because when he went to class, the neighbors and I made some popcorn and read it. Lets just say he "opened up" in his diary and wrote what he stole from the other dorm rooms. Lets just say he doesn't have any friends from freshman year, and he had to get a new set of tires last day of school.
Chris Richardson, Bowling Green
See More: Roommateconfessions -
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.
One of my roommates was a dumb redneck who never paid his rent, ate all my food, and brought back ugly and/or fat hoes that chilled at our place all the time. One day, I got a hold of some "magic mushrooms". I made some pasta and offered him some. Of course, that cheap loser won't ever turn it down. In his pasta, I added the 'shrooms. Right after we ate, I gave him beer. While he wasn't looking, I added some laxative to his beer. He drank the whole beer. About an hour later, this guy was freaking out. He would go into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror and yell at himself. The funniest part came when he was tripping and he had the sh*ts. He was literally crying while he was talking a dump.
J Gritz, Western IllinoisYou know how you asked me to feed your fish while you went away for the weekend? Well I completely forgot, and instead spent the weekend celebrating the fact that the RA (you) was away by smoking and throwing a ridiculous party in our apartment. I really didn't think you were going to cry about a fish, or spend three hours on the phone with Petco because you thought he was sick.
Deliliah Cosgrove, School Not Given
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AmazingSuperPowers: Killer Bees
by AmazingSuperPowers September 19, 2008
See More: Amazing Superpowers Cartoons -
Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.
Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!
Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.
Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.
Marine 1: I know.
Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?
Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.
Marine 2: That bastard.
Marine 3 enters
Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!
Marine 1: He doesn't know.
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Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.
Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!
Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.
Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.
Marine 1: I know.
Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?
Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.
Marine 2: That bastard.
Marine 3 enters
Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!
Marine 1: He doesn't know.
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See More: Collegehumor Classic -
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World News Feed
by CH Staff 4 days ago
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Drink 'Til You Think
by Jeff Rosenberg September 26, 2008The presidential debate is tonight and we here at CollegeHumor think the youth need to play a bigger role in the democratic process. To get the ball rolling we've invented an awesome new drinking game just for you!
See More: Presidential Debate -
Amelia Bedelia
by Andrew B. September 26, 2008
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The Seven Worst Facebook Groups
by Ben Joseph September 18, 2008
See More: Facebook -
How Different Majors React To Seeing Road Kill
by Adam Sharaf September 24, 2008Premed- "I wonder what the cause of death was? Looks like head trauma. I think I'll perform the autopsy... where did I leave my scalpel?"Engineering- "Looks like a car hit this guy. By the amount of damage I'd say it was maybe a 4 door SUV with 4-wheel drive, off-road capabilities. This car should be installed with a small animal collision detector in the front... maybe a scoop devise or something to gently toss the animal out of the way... hmm..."
Film- "This was no accident, this was murder! Who the hell would kill a small animal? They made it look like an accident, but then, right there, it looks like someone performed an autopsy on this little guy! Something strange is going on around here, and I don't like it... Unless this rodent was in fact the killer himself, who went back in time to make this car swerve and hit his past self!"
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Step #1: Make a CollegeHumor profile.
Step #2: Click the 'Write an Article' link in the 'My Stuff' dropdown menu.
Step #3: Write something funny and hit publish. If your article gets a lot of 'likes' our editors will be alerted and give it a look. If it's really funny they'll move it to the front page. Money, fame and women will follow.
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When you write an article you can upload images with the upload field on the right side of the editor page. Then you can click to insert your images into the text field. 480px is the max width for images on the site.
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That chick is hot, can I have her phone number / email / IM name / home address?
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