Articles
4,230 total-
Turning Tuesdays into Fundays!
If there's one thing I've learned about women, it's that they can't stand peeing.I was driving one day and I saw that someone spray painted "Thug For Life" across a bridge. Naturally, my grandparents thought it was a deplorable act, because they believe in the woman's right to choose.When I was a kid my dad always tried to live vicariously through me. It sure wasn't easy being the only nine year old in my class who was bangin' his father's secretary.Examples of Tommy Lee Jones and the US Judicial System being wrong.
1. The Fugitive
2. U.S. Marshals
3. Double Jeopardy1st degree burn: redness, pain at site of injury
2nd degree burn: superficial blistering
Liberal arts degree burn: have fun working at Costco!Out of sight, out of mind. That's just mean, since I don't think ALL blind people crazy.Tastier Foods Served at the Last Supper that I Would Happily Receive at Sunday Mass, Had Christ Chosen to Turn Them Into His Body Instead of Bread
1. Roasted lamb
2. Pomegranate
3. Fried fish
4. Grapes
5. Double Stuf OreosRichard Simmons' Senior Citizen Workout Tapes
-Sweatin' to Miles Davis
-Sweatin' to the Golden Girls theme
-Defecatin' to the Oldies
-Remembrin' your grandkids' namesMy grandfather always told me dime is money. He was full of obvious advice.Analogies
If being gay were like bad action movies from the late '90s, Ryan Seacrest would be a Steven Seagal flick-L R
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Mike Birbiglia makes pancakes in Los Angeles
by Mike Birbiglia May 06, 2008Dear Journal,
I just returned from Los Angeles where I shot a TV pilot for CBS.
What's a TV pilot?
Well, no one's really sure, but my best explanation is that it's a sample episode of what a TV series would be. It's like the first batch of pancakes where you decide, "These are going to be some good pancakes," or, "Let's not make pancakes."
I brought my brother Joe, of course, because he loves pancakes and tends to come along for almost anything. I also brought my girlfriend and another friend who's also a personal trainer and nutritionist to help me cut down on how "pudgy and awkward" I am. It turns out eating spinach salads for every meal helps cure pudginess-but not awkwardness. As Popeye once said, "I yam what I yam!"
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My grandmother called me up and said that the arrow on her screen wasn't working. I asked if she had plugged in her mouse and she told me she had plugged BOTH in. She thought you needed one for your right hand and one for your left.Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they even know what a text message is?
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, send it to parentsjustdontunderstand (at) gmail.com. And, hey, if we publish it, send your parents a link. They probably won't understand what it is.
Those dumb bastards.
Your parents' social networking.
From Liz, SUNY Stony Brook
My mom thought that Mozilla Firefox was a computer virus.
From Will, College of Charleston
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Guy: 14 hours of travel later... here we are... Germany.
Girl: The country of love...
Waiter: HIER IST SEINE FLASCHEN!!!
Girl: OH MY GOD!!!
Guy: Let me check my book. Okay, according to this, he's whispering "Here are your beers."
Girl: Oh. Thank You!!!
Guy: Now we are supposed to clink our glasses together as hard as humanly possible and yell, "PROUST!"
Girl: Oh. Haha, Okay, be careful though, I can't get any beer on my black turtleneck.
They clink their mugs together
Girl: WATCH OUT! A droplette of beer almost landed near me!
Guy: Harder.
Girl: No.
They clink mugs again.
Girl: Okay, I definitely felt some beer land on my black turtleneck!
Guy: Harder. Now.
Girl: NO! This is my only black turtleneck. Our luggage was lost, remember?
Guy: When in Rome!
Girl: We were just IN Rome. We left because you hated it, remember?!
Guy: JETZT!!!!
They bang their mugs again. Beer spills over a little.
Girl: I WANNA GO HOME! KEEP READING
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The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free BustedTee. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions.
The Nominees- A) University of Hawaii at HiloSubmitted by Alex
Professor: So the King then died heir-less...
The Brilliance: So he like, suffocated?
Professor: .... No - B) George Washington UniversitySubmitted by Dean
Professor: So this week in lab everyone will be performing the 12-minute walk test to predict aerobic fitness.
Genius: Ugh, how long is that gonna take??
See More: stupid question hall of fame - A) University of Hawaii at HiloSubmitted by Alex
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A Bee Questions the Hive's Attack Strategy
by Sarah Schneider 18 hours agoA hive of bees is alive and bustling. A human approaches, and is noticed by one of the bees, who turns to the swarm in a panic.
Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!
(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!
Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-
(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)
Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?
Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?
(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)
Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?
Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.
(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)
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Wendell Blatt Goes Swimming
by Jake Hurwitz 4 days agoMale Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!
She wants it.Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?
Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.
Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?
Female Lifeguard: Yes.
Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.
Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.
Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.
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Cheating by Major
by Tommy Wilder 5 days agoMathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.
English: Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.
Communication: Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.
Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.
Philosophy: Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.
Contra: Up up down down left right left right B A start
Business: Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.
Biology: Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)
Elementary Education: Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.
Art: Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.
Physics: Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
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Wendell Blatt Goes Swimming
by Jake Hurwitz 4 days agoMale Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!She wants it.Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?
Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.
Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?
Female Lifeguard: Yes.
Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.
Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.
Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.
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Imagined Conversations: My Brain Dreaming
by Jason Michaels April 26, 2008
Left-Side-Of-Brain: Hmm, what do you want to dream about tonight, Hank?
Right Brain: Falling off a cliff?
Left Brain: ...You always say that...
Right Brain: How about that cute girl in English? I'd like to anec her dote!
Left Brain: Not tonight, Jason's with his girlfriend.
Right Brain: Fine party-pooper, you start us off...
Left Brain: Alright. Jason, you are playing Guess Who in your living room. All your friends and family are there. You guess your opponent's character in one turn. Everyone goes nuts! Someone hands you a prize. You open it.
Right Brain: It's a big, black dildo! Then you start making out with Lindsay Lohan!
Left Brain: Huh?
Right Brain: Out of nowhere you starting falling from an airplane! Oh crap, your penis just fell off of your body!
Left Brain: God damnit! He has an exam tomorrow. He needs good sleep! Jason, you are not scared. You are not feeling panicked. Although you are falling from the sky, you are completely relaxed. You look to your right and you see a beautiful -
Right Brain: Criss Angel. He's nude and he's putting hot wax on his testicles. KEEP READING
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Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...
Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.
"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!
I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.
I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.
When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.
Just one night...
Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running. KEEP READING
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Getting To Know Your Professor Via Email
by John Baker April 19, 2008It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.
Professor Whose Dad Didn't Love HimKEEP READING
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