As the manager of the 1994 Chicago White Sox, I'm gonna have to call malarkey on this one.

by Mindy Raf April 30, 2008


What if the nicknames of sports teams were a true reflection of the team and/or its players? FSN (Fake Sports News) proudly presents to you, last night's highlights in the world of Fake Literal Sports...
NewJersey Devils (NHL) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (MLB)
This was a classic battle of good versus evil. Young center field prospect Jesus Christ turned in an MVP-like performance correctly pronouncing infielder Maicer Izturis' name an astounding two times, which the Angels' color commentator emphatically declared a "goddamned miracle". However, in the end, the Devils locked up an easy victory...seemingly too easy in fact. Angels' manager Mike Scoscia later admitted in a post game interview that he had sold his soul to the Devils' owner, Satan himself, for his career .259 batting average and a guaranteed spot in the Italian Baseball Hall of Fame. Joe DiMaggio and Tommy Lasorda, both long deceased, were on hand in spirit as the only other members.
Washington Nationals (MLB) vs. WashingtonRedskins (NFL)
This historical battle played out in front of an abnormally small crowd, as most scalpers had died off in the hours preceding the match. Led into Mayflower Sports Complex by star lefty Grain Alcohol, the Nationals came out absolutely gunning. Reliable catcher Small Pox blanketed the Redskins' offense. The energy in the building was contagious throughout the night as the home team literally raped and pillaged the opposition. The Redskins put up a valiant effort but in all honesty, it was like they brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight. The Nationals now look to their next opponents, the Cleveland Indians, as they continue their Manifest Destiny road trip to the west coast.

Aggrivated and Hot,
Chewie

Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!
(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)
Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!
Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-
(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)
Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?
Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?
(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)
Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?
Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.
(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)
KEEP READING

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?
Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.
Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?
Female Lifeguard: Yes.
Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.
Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.
Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.
KEEP READING

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?
Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.
Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?
Female Lifeguard: Yes.
Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.
Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.
Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.
Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.
KEEP READING
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