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  • After waiting for a few minutes, Michael Kingston is greeted by his primary care physician.

    Dr. Norton: Mr. Kingston, how are we today?
    Mr. Kingston: Oh hey doc, not too bad, but the throat's been sore for a few days now.
    Dr. Norton: Sorry to hear that. I've heard there's a flu going around, that might be it. Why don't we take a look then.
    Mr. Kingston: Okay.
    Dr. Norton: Yep, throat's pretty swollen and red.
    Mr. Kingston: I figured as much.
    Dr. Norton: Okay, let's check everything else out.

    Norton gives a thorough examination of the ears, eyes, and throat glands.!slice

    Dr. Norton: Okay Mr. Kingston, now I'm going to need you to drop your pants for me.
    Mr. Kingston: Really?
    Dr. Norton: It's standard procedure for a proper examination, Mr. Kingston. And this isn't the first time I've had you do this for me before.
    Mr. Kingston: I know, I'm just a little uncomfortable.
    Dr. Norton: Everything will be fine, I'm a professional. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.

    Mr.Kingston drops his pants and coughs as the doctor examines him.

    Dr. Norton: Okay all set, now that wasn't so hard, right?
    Mr. Kingston: I guess not, sorry for putting up such a stink.
    Dr. Norton: It's no problem. Now, here's a prescription for some medication that should help with the swelling, and I'm going to recommend that you drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and you should be fine in a couple of days. If the problems continue, call the office.
    Mr. Kingston: Thank you I'll do that.
    Dr. Norton: You have a nice day.
    Mr. Kingston: You too.
    Dr. Norton: By the way, try the babyback ribs, they're phenomenal.
    Waitress: He's right, and tonight's 3 dollar pitcher night. Can I start you off with some appetizers?



    See More: Conversations



  • Dear Journal,

    We've just entered the season of summer, which is my favorite time to go to escapist films like "Indiana Jones and the case of the strange-and-never-explained-alien-skulls." I saw Indiana Jones this week and found it to be misleading to aspiring archeologists. They show up to their first day of work with their whip and they're like, "Where's the cavern of jewels?" And their boss is like, "Actually, today we're gonna start off by dusting thousands of miles of nothing"

    But the thing I admire about Indy movies is the conviction and sense of self that Indy has. He's an archeologist and an overly trusting action hero and he's ok with that. Indy's always like, "My long lost friend with a glass eye and a black suit needs a hand locating a crystal scepter that turns people into sand? Sure I'll help, that sounds like it's totally on the level!"

    I'm not so sure I'm as comfortable in my own skin.

    I make outdoor festivals even more awkward




  • More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net


  • It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    That was pretty clever hiding your porn within the thousands of files in your iTunes. Almost as clever as me changing your iChat away message to "Current iTunes Song". We're all still curious how cute the "18yo russian lolita gangbanged" was.

    Joshua Deckard, James Madison University

    You left your sh*t all over the room, never washed your clothes or sheets, and made our room reek of pot all year long. I never stopped you from hooking up with the fat ugly chicks you found in the bathrooms at the end of parties every weekend. I win.
    PH, School Not Given



  • Just 'cause he's a bum doesn't mean the man can't have style
    Everyone knows that 4th of July weekend belongs to Will Smith. All you have to do is look back at Independence Day, MIB, Wild Wild West, MIB II, and I, Robot just to name a few to realize that Hollywood seriously knows how to bank on an actor as big as Will. Now I've been obsessed with and praising the talents of Will Smith ever since the days of Fresh Prince...and that's exactly why this is going to be so hard. I can already sense the tension in the air from that last sentence. Stay with me guys, breathe deeply, and believe me when I say this:

    Hancock is a gigantic disappointment.

    Seriously. I'm not talking about being sad because you strolled over to the vending machine and they're out of peanut butter Twix disappointment, I'm talking going to your best friends bachelor party to find out when you get there that the stripper who popped out of the giant cake turned out to be your sister level of disappointment. Now before you turn green and rip your shirts off, let me explain. Almost every question sent to me looked like this -



    See More: Movie Review
  • Do your parents not understand modern technology? Do they still use crazy, outdated methods to get things done. Do they still think we are alone in this universe? If you have an example of your parents incompetence, send us a mindfax!

    If your parents are like mine, they don't even know how to work a Xegabot!
    My mom was trying out my virtual reality helmet and completely forgot she was in the VR world. My dad ended up having to cook us dinner that night (and all he knows how to do is deionize a pro-t-pack) while she was making an entire supper for the virtual family. When she finally realized what was going on and came out of it, she asked us why we just didn't pull the helmet off. I couldn't believe it! Doesn't she know that pulling someone out of virtual reality against their will can result in a complete mind/ body permanent separation. We want her to cook us vegetables, not be one.
    From SAM429-X



  • A Sore Subject

    Turkey: Oh... hey, Eagle. What's up?

    Eagle: Not much, how have you been? I haven't seen you in at least three hundred years, my fair-feathered brethren.

    [Turkey self-consciously strokes his wattle.]

    Turkey: Ha. I know, right? I've been ca-razy busy with my new part-time j-o-b.

    Eagle: Yeah, well I hope there's no tension between us anymore, Turkey.

    Turkey: No, we're cool.

    Eagle: Are you sure? It was pretty awkward there for a while. I'm sure the divorce didn't help, but--

    Turkey: I'm beginning to regain custody of them, so thanks for that.

    Eagle: I'm not trying to ruffle your feathers but you must realize that I am the exemplary essence of this great land.

    Turkey: Oh, relax. Our little feud died out about thirty years ago. Right around the time your species almost did the same.

    Eagle: Real mature.

    Turkey: DDT FTW!

    Oak Tree: Hahaahahah, zing!

    Eagle: Quiet, national tree.


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