After waiting for a few minutes, Michael Kingston is greeted by his primary care physician.

Dr. Norton: Mr. Kingston, how are we today?
Mr. Kingston: Oh hey doc, not too bad, but the throat's been sore for a few days now.
Dr. Norton: Sorry to hear that. I've heard there's a flu going around, that might be it. Why don't we take a look then.
Mr. Kingston: Okay.
Dr. Norton: Yep, throat's pretty swollen and red.
Mr. Kingston: I figured as much.
Dr. Norton: Okay, let's check everything else out.

Norton gives a thorough examination of the ears, eyes, and throat glands.!slice

Dr. Norton: Okay Mr. Kingston, now I'm going to need you to drop your pants for me.
Mr. Kingston: Really?
Dr. Norton: It's standard procedure for a proper examination, Mr. Kingston. And this isn't the first time I've had you do this for me before.
Mr. Kingston: I know, I'm just a little uncomfortable.
Dr. Norton: Everything will be fine, I'm a professional. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.

Mr.Kingston drops his pants and coughs as the doctor examines him.

Dr. Norton: Okay all set, now that wasn't so hard, right?
Mr. Kingston: I guess not, sorry for putting up such a stink.
Dr. Norton: It's no problem. Now, here's a prescription for some medication that should help with the swelling, and I'm going to recommend that you drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and you should be fine in a couple of days. If the problems continue, call the office.
Mr. Kingston: Thank you I'll do that.
Dr. Norton: You have a nice day.
Mr. Kingston: You too.
Dr. Norton: By the way, try the babyback ribs, they're phenomenal.
Waitress: He's right, and tonight's 3 dollar pitcher night. Can I start you off with some appetizers?

Dear Journal,

We've just entered the season of summer, which is my favorite time to go to escapist films like "Indiana Jones and the case of the strange-and-never-explained-alien-skulls." I saw Indiana Jones this week and found it to be misleading to aspiring archeologists. They show up to their first day of work with their whip and they're like, "Where's the cavern of jewels?" And their boss is like, "Actually, today we're gonna start off by dusting thousands of miles of nothing"

But the thing I admire about Indy movies is the conviction and sense of self that Indy has. He's an archeologist and an overly trusting action hero and he's ok with that. Indy's always like, "My long lost friend with a glass eye and a black suit needs a hand locating a crystal scepter that turns people into sand? Sure I'll help, that sounds like it's totally on the level!"

I'm not so sure I'm as comfortable in my own skin.

I make outdoor festivals even more awkward

Everyone knows that 4th of July weekend belongs to Will Smith. All you have to do is look back at Independence Day, MIB, Wild Wild West, MIB II, and I, Robot just to name a few to realize that Hollywood seriously knows how to bank on an actor as big as Will. Now I've been obsessed with and praising the talents of Will Smith ever since the days of Fresh Prince...and that's exactly why this is going to be so hard. I can already sense the tension in the air from that last sentence. Stay with me guys, breathe deeply, and believe me when I say this:

Hancock is a gigantic disappointment.

Seriously. I'm not talking about being sad because you strolled over to the vending machine and they're out of peanut butter Twix disappointment, I'm talking going to your best friends bachelor party to find out when you get there that the stripper who popped out of the giant cake turned out to be your sister level of disappointment. Now before you turn green and rip your shirts off, let me explain. Almost every question sent to me looked like this -

Do your parents not understand modern technology? Do they still use crazy, outdated methods to get things done. Do they still think we are alone in this universe? If you have an example of your parents incompetence, send us a mindfax!

My mom was trying out my virtual reality helmet and completely forgot she was in the VR world. My dad ended up having to cook us dinner that night (and all he knows how to do is deionize a pro-t-pack) while she was making an entire supper for the virtual family. When she finally realized what was going on and came out of it, she asked us why we just didn't pull the helmet off. I couldn't believe it! Doesn't she know that pulling someone out of virtual reality against their will can result in a complete mind/ body permanent separation. We want her to cook us vegetables, not be one.
From SAM429-X

Turkey: Oh... hey, Eagle. What's up?

Eagle: Not much, how have you been? I haven't seen you in at least three hundred years, my fair-feathered brethren.

[Turkey self-consciously strokes his wattle.]

Turkey: Ha. I know, right? I've been ca-razy busy with my new part-time j-o-b.

Eagle: Yeah, well I hope there's no tension between us anymore, Turkey.

Turkey: No, we're cool.

Eagle: Are you sure? It was pretty awkward there for a while. I'm sure the divorce didn't help, but--

Turkey: I'm beginning to regain custody of them, so thanks for that.

Eagle: I'm not trying to ruffle your feathers but you must realize that I am the exemplary essence of this great land.

Turkey: Oh, relax. Our little feud died out about thirty years ago. Right around the time your species almost did the same.

Eagle: Real mature.

Turkey: DDT FTW!

Oak Tree: Hahaahahah, zing!

Eagle: Quiet, national tree.

Every day, the anonymity granted by the Internet flips the a-hole switch for thousands of otherwise decent humans. My coworkers and I have developed thick skins, but we never stop wondering what motivates certain commenters to unleash such brutal tirades, determined to sprinkle everyone else's perfectly good Internet salad with sh*t pepper. We just can't get inside their heads... until now.

Two days ago, a CH reader named Claudio insulted my dear friend Amir's performance in our Font Conference video, noting that "suicide is an option." Amir usually welcomes such constructive criticism, but this time, he made an interesting discovery about his history with Claudio. The full exchange follows.



We know that not everybody will enjoy everything we do, and we love hearing your feedback (good and bad). That said, let this kind of shameless hypocrisy be a lesson to all would-be purposeless haters: Negativity for negativity's sake is gayyyyyyyyyyy. (Keep reading for responses to the burn.)

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

The anticipation around the new Batman movie has reached unprecedented levels. It's crazy to think that in two weeks you can walk around and ask anybody in America what they thought of the new Batman movie and 98% will be able to respond.

- In New York and Los Angeles, there were not only midnight showings, but 3AM and 6AM showings -- all were sold out before July 4th.

- Certain theatres in Kansas City and Miami are allowing patrons to sit and wait in the theatre next to the one showing The Dark Knight and listen to that theatre rumble and vibrate for $40.

- A theatre in Bucks County, PA will let you lick the film chemicals off the projectionist's fingers for $52.

- AMCs across Ohio are allowing people, for $55, to have some of the leftover popcorn that's left in the theater, hoping some information from the movie leaked into the butter.

- At certain theatres in Florida and Maine, you can hold the film reel for $99.50 and bite into one frame.

- In Nebraska, certain Loews theatres are allowing people to pay $160 to stare at the poster outside the theater, and another $20 to sketch it with charcoal.

 

RA: Hey Tom, how's it going!?!  If you're hungry I think me and some other people are heading downstairs to the caf to grab some dinner.

Dad: Jason, for the last time, don't call me "Tom," just stick to "Dad." And another thing, why are you always asking me if I want to go to dinner with you and these "other people" you talk about?  You know we always eat together as a family.

RA: Sounds great Tom! Well maybe after dinner we can all get together and paint some bricks and use them as door stops.

Dad: That's another thing Jason, why are you always asking your mother and me to partake in these activities?  I'm not interested in attending a tie-dying party; stop asking. 

Mom: Boys, dinner's ready!

RA: Oh hey Karen, how's it going!?! How'd that history final go?

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.