Let's face it, Super Hero movies nowadays are either hit or miss.

There are the ones that absolutely dominated; Batman Begins, Spider-Man, and X-Men. Then there are the ones that we'd rather not think about/mention in public; Elektra, Cat Woman, Dare Devil, etc. With all the trailers and press releases for the countless comic book movies on the horizon, it's totally expected to be nervous about which ones will be great and which ones will suck, but rest assured - Iron Man is incredible.

Incredible in that 'you're really drunk and just found an all night diner' kind of way. Incredible in that 'you're at the drive through and you realize you have exact change' kind of way. Out of all the crap floating around in theaters right now, Iron Man is breath of fresh air in a huge way.

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For many of you graduation is approaching fast, like a charging grizzly bear. Is it time to finally face the brutal mauling of real life? Just answer these six simple questions and find out!

Who is supporting you right now?
Loans, loans, loans (0 points)
Some tuition is covered by parents or scholarships, I pay the rest (1 point)
My parents pay tuition, I have a job for spending money (2 points)
My parents pay my tuition and expenses (3 points)

How many years have you been at school?
6 years or more (0 points)
5 years (1 point)
4 years (2 points)
3 years or less (3 points)

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A hive of bees is alive and bustling. A human approaches, and is noticed by one of the bees, who turns to the swarm in a panic.

Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!

(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)

Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!

Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-

(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)

Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?

Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?

(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)

Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?

Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.

(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)

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The worst place for a typo is in a title. In the fast-paced Hollywood environment, promotional materials are often rushed through development long before title typos or misunderstandings are caught. Check out some of these past and present advertising disasters:

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Stomach: Cool, he's napping. That's good, I need all the energy I can get to work on those two crunchwrap supremes he just plopped down here.

Colon: Sorry, gotta do my 'thang.

Stomach: Colon! You just woke him up! I'm not even halfway done with this yet. Whatever, sounds like he's up and about now. You're trigger-happy, Colon. It's not safe!

Colon: Sorry.

Stomach: What's that, Skin? He's in the shower? Sounds good. Whadaya say, Balls? He's using a lot of soap? Nice!

Balls: I know!

(splash)

Stomach: What the hell? A beer? A freezing-ass beer in the shower? Whatever it's just one, but really?

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Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.

English: Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

Communication: Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

Philosophy: Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

Contra: Up up down down left right left right B A start

Business: Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

Biology: Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

Elementary Education: Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

Art: Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

Physics: Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
 

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Buyer: I'll give you $5,000 for it.
Homeowner: Are you crazy? I just paid $100,000 for it in January. Haven't you heard of value appreciation?
Buyer: All I'm hearing is that your house is used.
Homeowner: Hardly. I spent like 2 days there in March and then 6 hours yesterday. This house is in perfect condition.
Buyer: Oh yeah, what's this note above the backdoor?
Homeowner: It says, "Low door. Mind your head."
Buyer: Low door, huh?
Homeowner: Yeah, but that's not a problem. It's just a feature of the house. It's supposed to be like that. That's just a helpful note in case people didn't notice the height of the door.
Buyer: It sullies the whole house. The whole house is crap because of that note!
Homeowner: What are you talking about? This isn't even a pretty house.
Buyer: So you admit it!
Homeowner: Yeah. It's a stupid looking house on a boring block, but people still want to buy it. Haven't you heard of supply and demand?
Buyer: Nope. And I'm not going to give you more than $5,000 for this dump. That's just policy.
Homeowner: What are you talking about? What policy?
Buyer: Just policy.
Homeowner: Well, maybe I won't sell it to you. Who knows, I might need this house in the future. It's got pretty cool...faucets. I might want to use those. Ugh, fine. Give me the stupid 5 grand.
Buyer: Great doing business with you.
Ex-Buyer: Attention, all prospective buyers! Who wants to buy this fantastic, mint-condition home for $90,000?
Ex-Homeowner: What?!
Ex-Buyer: Sucker.
 

 

 

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

My roommate freshman year was a real slob and would wear every piece of clothing he had and than leave it on the floor. Also he would leave food wrappers around and sunflower seeds shells that he spit out and missed the trash would not be cleaned up by him. The only time he would clean is when he took a heavy dose of his ADD medication. He would make the place spotless in an afternoon, so it got to the point where I would grind a little bit up into his food or drink as a way of getting him to clean on the days I couldn't stand the mess anymore.
Tom, Fairfield Univerity

I have two roommates this year. So, one of my roommates boasts about his brains excessively, and that he doesn't really deserve to be at such a "lowly school" like here, though my other roommate and I don't really see why, since he completely bombs every test he takes. But anyway, one day my roommate and I got fed up with it. In our writing class, there's three essays, the second one worth 35 percent of our grade. So the day the essay is due, there roommate A goes, bragging about how great his essay is, and he says he's going to turn it in one hour early because he's so confident in it. He then proceeds to print out his essay, and put it in his binder. He then goes to the shower. And this is where roommate B and I take action. We go on his computer, find his essay, and use the find and replace function to replace "because" with "cause I give blowjobs for crack." We print it out, replace the real essay with the sabatoged one, and wait for him to come back and leave. The next week, we get our essays back. I look at his returned copy, and in red ink, the instructor wrote "It is obvious you do not possess the effort needed to complete this course. Furthermore, your rudeness and blatant lack of respect for me will almost certainly result in an F in this course if you do not have a sincere apology and extremely compelling reason as to why I should not." Instead of trying to actually do something about it, he drops the course. He's now taking it again, with a different instructor. He wouldn't talk to us for weeks.
University of California, San Diego
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Found this in the basement a few days ago. I don't remember being such a dork.

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Left-Side-Of-Brain: Hmm, what do you want to dream about tonight, Hank?
Right Brain: Falling off a cliff?
Left Brain: ...You always say that...
Right Brain: How about that cute girl in English? I'd like to anec her dote!
Left Brain: Not tonight, Jason's with his girlfriend.
Right Brain: Fine party-pooper, you start us off...
Left Brain: Alright. Jason, you are playing Guess Who in your living room. All your friends and family are there. You guess your opponent's character in one turn. Everyone goes nuts! Someone hands you a prize. You open it.
Right Brain: It's a big, black dildo! Then you start making out with Lindsay Lohan!
Left Brain: Huh?
Right Brain: Out of nowhere you starting falling from an airplane! Oh crap, your penis just fell off of your body!
Left Brain: God damnit! He has an exam tomorrow. He needs good sleep! Jason, you are not scared. You are not feeling panicked. Although you are falling from the sky, you are completely relaxed. You look to your right and you see a beautiful -
Right Brain: Criss Angel. He's nude and he's putting hot wax on his testicles.   KEEP READING

Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...

Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running.  KEEP READING

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It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.

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Photographer: All right, shall we get started? Let's see two big smiles!

Man: Wait!

Photographer: Of course. I'm sorry. When you're ready.

Woman: You should take off your shirt, baby.

Photographer: He should?

Man: I ­mean, I didn't get this tattoo of a squashed bug on my shoulder so that it would be hidden during our photos.

Photographer: Right. Sorry. Ready now?

Man: Not even close. Baby, take off your shirt too.

Woman: You think so?

Photographer: Probably n--

Man: I've never been so sure about anything, ever.

Woman: I love you so hard.

Photographer: All right. You're both topless now.

Man: Pretty awesome, right?

Photographer: ...and she's pregnant. She's definitely pregnant.

Woman: Yes.

Photographer: So, sir, let me get this straight. You came into Wal-Mart to take a topless photo of you both, and your... wife is it?

Man: What DON'T you get?  KEEP READING

Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I'm your new roommate.

Me: Wow...

Stretch Armstrong: I hope you're ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!

Me: (Nods head)

Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there.

Me: Thanks, they turn into sunglasses when you go out in the sun. Sometimes they take like half an hour to turn back to normal glasses, though.

Stretch Armstrong: Interesting! So I hear you're starting on the baseball team.

Me: Yeah, but there's only one problem-

Stretch Armstrong: Don't worry about it, buddy, the league knows you're too much of a puss to hit off of a real pitcher, so they made a rule that you get to throw the ball up to yourself.

Me: Awesome!

Stretch Armstrong: Woops, one moment. (Stretches his arm out the door and down the hall. Through the window you can see it snaking across the street.He brings his arm back, carrying a bag of Warheads.) I hope you like candy, because all the ovens in the cafeteria broke, and that's all you can eat here.

Me: Even for breakfast?

Stretch Armstrong: Get real, Steve, no one eats breakfast in college! Anyway, I hear that you can name all the presidents AND that you have your class record in Math Blasters.
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Computer:Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne...

Mouse: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!   KEEP READING