CollegeHumor: Academics Articles This Month

LOLShakespeare

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:26:41 -0400

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:655556"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/e/collegehumor.c18397c3fa4422be4a77754edfb049ab.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-17 22:26:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:655556">Daniel Eric Lopez</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 170 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Typical Day in Class

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 16:34:04 -0400

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Class Begins

It may only be a 50 minute class, but there is nothing like the feeling I get right as it's about to begin. I have to take a deep breath and realize that it's the longest possible time until class is over. If we're watching a movie or something like that I'll gladly go to class with relief on my mind. Otherwise I know I'll be dealing with the typical bullsh*t I hear every day.

Inevitable Nap

I don't mean to fall asleep in class.....it's inevitable. I can get 2 hours of sleep or I can get 16 hours of sleep the night before. Either way it doesn't matter....it's near impossible to stay up and alert. Especially in the case of early morning classes. Having no more classes in the lecture halls, I tend to insult my professor's career choice by passing out during any announcements he or she may have pretty often. I just need to make sure I get the study guide for the test.....whenever that is.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1122501"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.94f5049cd6abd583b84f1bf2d22ed83c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-31 16:34:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1122501">sean</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:505"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 762 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Your Professor, Translated

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:39:18 -0500

Attendance is 1/3 of your grade.

Attendance is 0/3 of your grade.

The textbook makes a useful reference tool.

The textbook makes a useful paperweight.

I recently got tenure.

I recently stopped caring.

We'll be doing a lot of group work.

Five kids in the class will be doing "a lot of group work."

I'm published

I'm making you buy my book.

I'm a Ph.D.

I'm self important.

I post the class notes online.

I don't care if you show up.

I like class discussions.

I like wasting time.

Feel free to come to my office hours, even just to talk.

I'm so lonely.

Attached to the syllabus is my home phone number.

Seriously, I'm so f*cking lonely.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1470417"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/b/collegehumor.74fc4aa47c14a353a987e25b3dbc7883.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-04 11:39:18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1470417">Mike Quigley</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 156 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Chronicles of a Student-Teacher Affair

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 01:33:45 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-31 01:33:45 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 322 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Movies for Majors

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 14:36:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> When I first saw "Jurassic Park" in 1993, I left the theater convinced I would someday dig up dinosaur bones -- until I learned such a career would not include Laura Dern wearing khaki shorts and a tank top. However, Spielberg's film still taught me a valuable lesson: nothing romanticizes a profession like a good movie -- particularly the following 6 academically themed films...

HISTORY
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

Sure, Raiders of the Lost Ark had exploding Nazis, but only in Last Crusade does Dr. Jones trade in his bullwhip� for a pair of reading glasses as the archaeologist� studies the history of the Holy Grail in a film so historical the hero's life depends on knowing that "Jehova" begins with an "I" in Latin.

MATH
Good Will Hunting (1997)

The film that introduced Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting also had some positive effects. It showed that schizophrenia or autism aren't prerequisites for mathematical genius, and that one can still go out and get "fuckin' hammered" in-between theorem solving. The picture also inspired a thousand drunken recitations of the phrase, "How do you like them apples?"

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-10 14:36:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How To Impress A Naive Academic

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 12:42:34 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> An Academic Thesis is always impressive, mostly because of it's title. You can impress naive grad students into thinking you are an intellectual just by explaining everything you're into, in a highly exalted way. I'm into Rap music, so I always tell unsuspecting doctoral candidates that I wrote my dissertation on "Third World Appropriations of Hip Hop Culture as a means for Social Revolution."

If your title is written to a suitable level of grandiloquence they won't ask further questions. I've written some essay titles based on topics you might be interested in. Feel free to use these while flirting with your TA.

If you are into Keg Stands...
�
Going Vertical: An Inquiry into how the Inverted Imbibing of Carbonated Alcoholic Beverages is Beneficial Towards the Participant's Composition

If you are into Pizza...

A Contemporary Manna:� The Food of Life

If you are into Date Rape...

Does No, Really Mean No?: Redefining Concepts of Consensus

If you are into Fart Jokes...

A Lethal Wind: An Exploration into the Jocularity of Flatuence

If you are into Chiefings/Shamings...

Epidermic Cartography: The Mapping of One's Evening as Described by the Markings on Their Skin.

Remember the three rules of an impressive essay title:� Long words, Long sentences, Disregard grammar advice from Word.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-07 12:42:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Syllabus From A Very Insecure Professor

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 16:12:00 -0500

We've all had a "cool" professor...

!slice

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/5/collegehumor.4bf6d380bf75ddc921bc415562d1097c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-05 16:12:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:62906">Elaine Carroll</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 86 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Your Textbooks Rewritten As Erotic Novels

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 16:53:41 -0500

AMERICAN HISTORY: In 1864, General Sherman marched to the sea, his rifle throbbing and erect. His man-sweat smelling of gunpowder and lust, he penetrated the South… deeper… deeper still. “Scorch my earth,” moaned the South. Sherman’s loins quivered as he killed field after field of luscious, moist livestock, his body shaking with the unspeakable pleasure of destroying the civilian infrastructure.

STATISTICS: That night, Brandon went down on Juliette N times. He let N_H be the number of times she climaxed, realizing that he could, for any N, consider the ratio N_H/N. As N grew larger and larger, faster and faster, Brandon was able to "define" the probability Pr(H) as Juliette’s sexual “limit.” As N approached infinity in the equation Pr(H) = limN --> ∞ (N_H/N), Juliette's loins melted into his like the wax of a century-lost love candle.

BIOLOGY: Slowly, Charles began to engage in the wild, passionate dance of digestion. He placed the burger in his mouth, masticating, masticating, faster now, his teeth tearing and crushing, his stomach churning with waves of pleasure. Various chemicals (acid, bile, enzymes and water) caressed the complex molecules, their firm yet tender touch reducing them to simple structures blind with desire. His nutrients moaned, submissive slaves to osmosis. Finally, in a volcanic release that shook his naked body, Charles defecated.

PHILOSOPHY: Nietzsche thrusted deeper and deeper between the supple legs of Simone de Beauvoir, yelling “Who’s your ubermensch?” Simone lost herself in the heavenly unison of their eager bodies, moaning “Oh, God… oh, God!” as, despite her post-feminist ideology, she made herself flesh under the dominance of the Other’s gaze. “God is DEAD!” screamed Nietzsche, his fingernails digging into her existentialist buttocks as they reached the disillusioning and wholly temporary ecstasy of orgasm. Nietzsche rolled over and lit up a cigarette. “Thus poked Zarathustra,” he said.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-02 16:53:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 106 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Increasingly Obvious Attempts to Draw Attention to the Old Lady in My American Literature Class

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 23:09:53 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In Our Time is now regarded as one of the seminal American expatriate works of the era, at the time of its release it was met with mixed critical review. It’s unfortunate that none of us has the capability to truly grasp the evolved public reception to the novel due to our lack of years.” [Cast knowing glance towards old lady]
�
“Sir, with all due respect, why are we students cooped up inside an auditorium on such a beautiful spring day? We’ve got the rest of our lives ahead of us to study literature. Well, at least some of us do.”

“Public inhibitions with regard to alcohol have changed dramatically since the Jazz Age and the Roaring Twenties, an era exemplified by F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. These days it’s near impossible to buy liquor unless you know someone who’s 21 or 80.”

“Psst… does anyone have a pen I could borrow? No? What about arthritis?”

“Two-part question: First, how does Twain’s use of character-specific colloquial dialogue contribute to the dynamism in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? Second, why is there is an old lady in the front row of our class?”

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:754468"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/b/collegehumor.7bbc4664f52ecd42f879c8ab0a5d38e4.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:754468">Paul Krumholz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1750"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Classics Major Gets Laid...Maybe

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 02:50:37 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Come hither, yonder wench and allow me tell you the tale of horny Aphrodite – the goddess who never wanted for attention!� Hers is a tale of tawdry torment, of bounteous lust, of skin-slapping without end!� ‘Tis the tale of the night fox, indeed it is!� Ha, ha, ha.� Oh, yes!� Oh yes, indeed!�

Are you ready to bow down to the Scepter of Agamemnon, my love?� You must be, for your eyes sing songs to my heart’s delight and your lips are full and red!� Ours shall be a boning that sweeps away time and space – more akin to the chaos of the void than the harmony of the Cosmos, yes?

Methinks my mighty oak be ready for the damp glen of your nether regions.

Come now, my love, for the time is nigh!� We shall be off and soaked as a salt-sprayed ship bound for the Aegean!� And when we arrive, I shall enter your gates as innocently as a Trojan horse, only to release armed Greeks into your burning citadel….

Ready your sopping galley, for my seamen are set to board!�

Oh hey – wait.� Do you have money for cab fare?...‘cause my Visa’s sorta maxed out after all those shots.� Yeah?� Great.�

Then let us leap as fleet-footed Mercury, for I’m about to pass out!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 20 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />