• Don’t live with your boyfriend.
• Especially if you’re in a band with him, too.
• If you DO, don’t keep living with him after you break-up and quit the band.
• If you DO, don’t cut the hose out of the kitchen sink to try to siphon gas from his gas tank to get your car into the garage in the middle of the night to avoid him finding out that you came home late after making out with a freshman and ran out of gas halfway into the driveway. That hose is apparently full of water, and pressurized.
• Get your parents to buy you an on-campus meal plan. If possible, opt for the plan that includes anything called “flex-spending” “campus cash” or “duke dawg dollars” (you can use it at the bookstore, too! Shhhh!)
• When your roommate gets naked and puts on an E.T. mask, it’s totally ok to leave the room.
• If you choose not to leave, though, you’ll end up with a pretty good story.
• Just because everyone else is eating cereal out of someone's stretched out scrotum doesn't mean you have to do it, too.
• Wash your dishes
• When your roommate starts to smell, MAKE her go to the gynecologist. It’s only going to get worse.
• That girl from the radio station that makes you mix tapes and brownies and puts stickers all over everything really won’t be as much fun to live with as you think. In fact, she’s batshit crazy insane.
• If anyone in your house wants to give the spare room to a girl he just met, make sure she really is an HIV-positive rape victim with 4 months to live, not just a crazy liar. Seriously. It doesn’t make you a bad person to check, and it’ll save you all a lot of hassle.

By Danny Bowler, 7th Grade

So, I know what you're thinking. You'll be in high school in a few years, and you want to be sexually experienced enough to impress those slammin' senior babes. Well, I hate to break it to you, but all those games of "spin the bottle" just aren't going to do the trick. It's time to go all the way, my friend. If you don't want those high school chicks to think you're some kind of loser, you'll need to be a veteran of the Holy Grail of hooking up: the handjob. Here are some tips to help you:

1. Pick a target.Not every girl is going to give up the goods. You need to pick out a girl that you know has already been around the block, and I don't mean selling girl scout cookies. How about Sally Bishop? I saw her kiss at least three guys at the Valentine's Day dance. Or maybe that Jessica girl from Mr. Miller's class? I heard Johnny O'Neill totally fingerblasted her last weekend. Whoever you choose, just make sure she's going to be willing to jerk you off like only a cheerleader can.

2. Get to know her.You'll need to spend some time with your new lady friend. Invite her over after school, but NOT to watch wrestling. Girls are kinda gay and they aren't into that stuff. Try playing your new Nintendo Wii with her instead. After that, maybe show her how high you can ollie on your skateboard. Just make sure that she thinks you're a totally sweet dude. Not the faggy sweet, though. More like the X-Games sweet.