• Right off the bat, your perceived intelligence level skyrockets into the range of genius.
• You're incredible at soccer, whether or not you actually are.
• You're automatically 25 to 45 percent more attractive to the opposite sex.
• You've had a Dyson vacuum cleaner for years. They're OK.
• You get to say "across the pond" without sounding retarded.

• The food in your country is awful aside from your breakfast, which is really awful.
• You shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a car as, back in foggy Londontown, you drive on the wrong side of the road.
• "You know what would be really funny? If I talked with a British accent in front of him."
• You're an aficionado on every British celebrity (i.e. Jason Statham,Orlando Bloom, all of the Spice Girls, and Simon Cowell).
• You and your countrymen were defeated in the Revolutionary War, thereby losing ownership of this country (the greatest country in the f**kin' universe).

• You know everything there is to know about vodka, thus making you an authority on which vodkas are good, which vodkas are bad and which vodkas you can trick your friends into thinking are good.
• I hear Moscow is sick.

• You sound like:

• The Cold War was mostly your bad. I mean, what was the deal with that Communism... thing?

• You can literally get any American girl you want. Any girl.
• You're really good at surfing. Actually, you're really good at every extreme sport.
• You're from the same country as Heath Ledger who was that guy who played the Joker in The Dark Knight. That's awesome.
• You have a pet Koala Bear and a pet Kangaroo.

• "Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
• You know, on a personal level, Steve Irwin, wife Terri and daughter Bindi Sue.
• "So I hear it rains a lot in England."
• Vegemite.

Epic fail (wordplay!)

Without exams, papers, and dining-hall-induced digestive issues, summer should be easy and relaxing, right? SO EXTREMELY WRONG! Take moviegoing, second only to outdoor drinking on the Summer Fun Index. Your quest for entertainment is actually a modern retelling of the ancient hero's journey. Your experience will be exactly like Star Wars, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and countless other epics! Just less exciting, and with uglier actors.

THE HERO'S DEPARTURE

"I'm sooo bored. Let's do something. Let's see a movie." The call to adventure! You might be skeptical at first. All the best heroes are. Important questions stand in your way: What is "the matrix"? What is "the force"? What movies don't suck this week? As you learn the answers, avoid being seduced by power and turning evil (see: Vader, Voldemort, Lucifer, Gollum). In your case, consider the "dark side" to be anyone who spells movie theater with an "re. (The THEATRE is for Neil Simon plays, black berets and the French. The THEATER is for Jerry Bruckheimer and America. You're going to the theater.)

George Washington

ME: President Washington, you fought for American independence from the British. Do you believe the United States' involvement in the Middle East is protecting the legacy of freedom you built, or simply imposing its will on other nations?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: The Tree of Liberty is fragile, my lad. And difficult decisions are often required to defend it. Let us say, for example, my slave tells me a bandit has absconded with my stallion. Why, do I not then have the right to find the thief and--

ME: Wait. What? Your what?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: My stallion. It means horse.

ME: No. Your slave? Your slave tells you the horse was stolen?

GEORGE WASHINGTON: One of them, yes. And it's stallion. Not horse.

ME: Right. Thanks.