CollegeHumor: Books Articles This Month

Classic Titles Made Sarcastic With Quotation Marks

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-12 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 335 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Arnold from The Magic School Bus gets his Yearbook Signed

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127902"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/c/collegehumor.5d9fd1d0587e03f3109216ec2d05ec20.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-21 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127902">Alex Schmidt</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 276 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

They're Running Out Of Titles For Garfield Books

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:279"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.a53793ecf48193f7f17979c9baa80605.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-16 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:279">Jeff Rubin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:215"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 504 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

5 Great Books That Became Horrible Videogames

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> We have all seen a crappy movie based on a videogame. We have all also played a crappy videogame based on a movie. We often see movies based on books (in fact, for a long time nearly all feature films were adapted from novels). Likewise, there are plenty of books based on videogames. Why is it, then, that we so rarely see videogames based on books? It seems like a no-brainer: videogames based on books would have plot, they would have a built-in audience, they would encourage parents to see the up side to gaming. There's only one downside--they would suck. Here's five reasons books and videogames don't mix:

The War of the Worlds (1983)
If you've ever of the ZX Spectrum, you already know more about this game than most people. If video games on cassette seem very reminiscent of The Oregon Trail, you'll recognize a few other things about this game as well. While this game involves an alien invasion (thank God they got that much right), your choices in the game are mostly limited to stand still, hide, or run (set a grueling pace!) and frustration was common for players who regularly died of hunger and thirst, presumably because they set their rations too low and no Indians would trade them food or bullets.

Feelies--the future of interactive entertainment
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1984)
Surprisingly, this book series received several video-game ports. There was a typical top-down shooter with so little in common with the books they wouldn't have recognized each other at Douglas Adams' funeral. There was also an adventure game which loosely followed the plot to venture to Magrathea and had a cancelled sequel. Did I mention the exuberantly difficult optional puzzle near the beginning of the game which, if failed, renders the game unbeatable? Yeah, there's that, too. There are even rumors of an earlier game which did not have the licensing rights to the title which was stripped of all Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy references and released under a different name.

The adventure game came with novelty items called "feelies". These feelies came with the game to attempt to make it a more interactive experience. Despite this genius marketing ploy, the game was more or less a failure and its sequel was never released because there was "no solid game design [and] nobody to program it..." It didn't stop you the first time but, hey, your call.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1949518"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/4/collegehumor.32ef09b87424ff3213f84a249fbb0022.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-02 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1949518">Pete</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:396"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Real Book Buyback Signs

Tue, 12 May 2009 18:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I've never understood why I spend $150 for a book, but when I go to sell it, I only get $50 for it. And that's on a good day. I didn't write in the thing, and I sure as hell didn't read it. This is what those Book Buy Back signs should say...

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1938594"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.ac702a130d772bad7463c3f964053826.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-12 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1938594">Joel Bustamante</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1365"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 191 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

What Math Textbooks Should Be About, Based On Their Covers

Fri, 08 May 2009 16:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Roll-Over to Reveal

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-08 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 839 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Letters from Oprah's Book Club

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
06/30/08
Dear Readers-

A few years ago, you may recall our selection of bestselling memoir A Million Little Pieces came under fire after the revelation that numerous elements of that work were exaggerated, or outright fictionalized. Tears were shed, voices cried out in confusion, but together we rose above those difficult times by focusing all our anger and hate on that lying whore-son author James Frey.

My friends, I am a trusting, loving person. So this month, when my assistant brought me a copy of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, I thanked her and looked forward to reading the true memoirs of an adventuring, albino-fighting cryptologist. Well, it was certainly thrilling. But was it true? According to this Wikipedia article I just read, no. It wasn't.

And now Dan Brown must burn for his trespass.

I will not be made a fool of again. While we're waiting for my lawyers to locate and eviscerate Mr. Brown, let's try to put this behind us and look forward to next month's exciting selection: The Fellowship of the Ring, which looks to be an inspiring memoir about a struggling family of Little People competing to win an obscure New Zealand marathon race.

With love,
-Oprah

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.688014cc4e3f51335e8cf30b65685d54.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-27 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720">Owen Parsons</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 33 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Eight Generic Phrases That Conveniently Describe Any Classic Text

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0400

The following list can be used in almost any context, from a casual conversation with a hot girl, to that stupid English class you have to pass to graduate. Some of these phrases are in fact almost directly lifted from legitimate and respected book critics. Those fakers.

1. "Oh I just finished reading that! It's so difficult to straighten out my first impressions, though. How did you feel about the narrative development?"
Flip the question back, and soak up all the secondary knowledge you can from the response in the next five minutes. Then just roughly translate this information into your own words, and regurgitate. You know, like what you did with that Wikipedia article on your last essay?
This is also great to use when you're not sure whather you should be scorning or loving the book in question. For example, if your conversational partner loathes it, her subsequent rant on the book's flagrant shortcomings will give you time to think of snide ways to compare the author to Stephanie Meyer.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1956645"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-25 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1956645">Romany</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 113 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Unpopular Children's Books

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:30:00 -0500

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/8/collegehumor.cb1e61e2d15f28deb56dc3e8c078646e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-12 16:30:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057">Derek Walborn</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 609 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Book Fair vs Book Store

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:30:56 -0400

BOOK FAIR

What's up now, boys and girls? Look who showed up to the Scholastic Book Fair with $7.43 in coins. That's right: Jimmy Dunbar. Allow me a few moments to peruse the merchandise before I decide which semi-educational treasures I'm going to purchase with this sweet moolah. Miss Franklin recommends the Newbery Award winners. F*ck, that seal looks regal. Wait a second, though... 18 chapters? That's a lot of chapters. And there are, like, three illustrations, tops. And none of them are funny. I need something that will make me the coolest kid in class. I need a book that will pull more 3rd grade trim than The Giving Tree. This book is only going to impress the librarian, and she is OLD. We're talking at least 32.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 318 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Jack Handey

Mon, 12 May 2008 16:04:39 -0400

As the name behind Saturday Night Live's short-but-hilarious "Deep Thoughts," writer Jack Handey has become synonymous with the art of the bizarre one liner. Since leaving SNL (where he also wrote several memorable sketches, including "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer") in 2002, Handey has contributed humorous essays to The New Yorker, and in April, published What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats, a collection of his writing. Below, he talks with CollegeHumor about comedy and car-driving felines.

What I'd Say To The Martians includes both essays and Saturday Night Live scripts. Are either of these formats more difficult than the other?
Both are hard. To me, the best humor pieces are written from the point of view of a specific character. So when you're thinking of ideas, you think about what your character would be interested in, what he could pontificate about. In TV, you're just trying to come up with a funny ideas. Also, in TV you're thinking visually. I do, anyway. I try to think of a funny image, and then what might explain that funny image.

For sheer writing, doing a humor piece is probably more difficult. But physically, TV really wears you out. Saturday Night Live, anyway. There the writers produce their own pieces, so you have to make sure the sets, props, sound effects, etc., are right. By the after-show party, you're ready for that beer.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-12 16:04:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 45 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Honest Collegiate Book Reviews

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:08:32 -0400

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-31 23:08:32 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 255 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Last page of the new Harry Potter book

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:49:37 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. I couldn't believe she did it! It's insane, but for real, DO NOT click if you don't want to see the last page of the book.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-05 16:49:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Literary Fresh Prince

Tue, 15 May 2007 09:28:19 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Felix W. Cooper's Literary Excerpts: A Prince's Life

Today's selection is taken from the beginning, middle, and end of the prologue setting up Prince William Smith's autobiography, A Prince's Life. It begins:

"A great deal of my young life was spent in the Western quadrant of the towne of Philadelphia. I enjoyed the company of my confidants whilst we employed our exuberance by means of outdoor recreational furniture. It was in this that I found I was rather partial to a certain enterprise we devised where one is to heartily lob an inflated cow's-gut sack into an elevated loop of steel devised to honor the halo of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. The completion of this seemingly inconsequential action was always sure to be consecrated by my contingents who would entertain me with ejaculatory whoops and bawls of congratulatory delectation.

Much to my abashed dismay, our frequently sensational outbursts resulted in the loss of our gut-sack. As fate would have it, it ended up disturbing a rather despicable group of fool-hooligans who insisted that, as a result of our contravention upon their deliberation of the day's crimes against Our Lord, we play the game of fisticuffs as an alternative.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/8/collegehumor.cb1e61e2d15f28deb56dc3e8c078646e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-15 09:28:19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057">Derek Walborn</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 45 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Inappropriate Subtitles For Famous Novels

Mon, 14 May 2007 17:16:02 -0400

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:317"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/d/collegehumor.ce42814d356284e3e2f6e68dd4230ba1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-14 17:16:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:317">John Hallmann</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Good Thing You Stopped Reading "Goosebumps"

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:02:37 -0400

#812: Something About A Werewolf XXVII

Janice walked towards the door, the very scary door or whatever. It was dark, so she couldn't see anything at all, especially not – you guessed it – werewolves. Well anyway, the door creaked, she heard a sinister laugh, there was thunder and lightning, and long story short something ate her face. So there she is without a face, yadda yadda yadda, there's blood everywhere, a clown, a ventriloquist dummy, some more lightning, a mummy showed up and did some stuff, and that was pretty much it.

�

#944: The Chafing Loofah

Randy turned on the shower faucet, humming a cheery tune. What he did not realize was that something evil was lurking in the shower. Something on the end of a stick, next to the Pantene Pro-V. His supple buttocks glistened, unaware of what was to come. He picked up the loofah and began to cleanse himself with it, rubbing and lathering for far too long. Soon, a slight pink area began to develop on his skin. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed, his buttocks rashed, a clown, a ventriloquist dummy, and Randy began to feel… mildly uncomfortable.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-23 10:02:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 78 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Your Textbooks Rewritten As Erotic Novels

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 16:53:41 -0500

AMERICAN HISTORY: In 1864, General Sherman marched to the sea, his rifle throbbing and erect. His man-sweat smelling of gunpowder and lust, he penetrated the South… deeper… deeper still. “Scorch my earth,” moaned the South. Sherman’s loins quivered as he killed field after field of luscious, moist livestock, his body shaking with the unspeakable pleasure of destroying the civilian infrastructure.

STATISTICS: That night, Brandon went down on Juliette N times. He let N_H be the number of times she climaxed, realizing that he could, for any N, consider the ratio N_H/N. As N grew larger and larger, faster and faster, Brandon was able to "define" the probability Pr(H) as Juliette’s sexual “limit.” As N approached infinity in the equation Pr(H) = limN --> ∞ (N_H/N), Juliette's loins melted into his like the wax of a century-lost love candle.

BIOLOGY: Slowly, Charles began to engage in the wild, passionate dance of digestion. He placed the burger in his mouth, masticating, masticating, faster now, his teeth tearing and crushing, his stomach churning with waves of pleasure. Various chemicals (acid, bile, enzymes and water) caressed the complex molecules, their firm yet tender touch reducing them to simple structures blind with desire. His nutrients moaned, submissive slaves to osmosis. Finally, in a volcanic release that shook his naked body, Charles defecated.

PHILOSOPHY: Nietzsche thrusted deeper and deeper between the supple legs of Simone de Beauvoir, yelling “Who’s your ubermensch?” Simone lost herself in the heavenly unison of their eager bodies, moaning “Oh, God… oh, God!” as, despite her post-feminist ideology, she made herself flesh under the dominance of the Other’s gaze. “God is DEAD!” screamed Nietzsche, his fingernails digging into her existentialist buttocks as they reached the disillusioning and wholly temporary ecstasy of orgasm. Nietzsche rolled over and lit up a cigarette. “Thus poked Zarathustra,” he said.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-02 16:53:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 106 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

"From Pieces to Weight" Excerpts I Doubt 50 Cent Actually Wrote

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 15:44:58 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I just finished reading 50 Cent's memoir, From Pieces to Weight, which recounts his life as a crack dealer and upstart rapper. The ghostwriter makes a valiant effort to replicate 50's voice throughout, with passages such as Seeing my grandfather cry was like watching one of those horror movies where a statue or a painting comes to life. I was like, that's not supposed to happen sounding as if 50 himself were actually the person typing it. Other times, not so much. I have a really hard time believing that Fiddy wrote the following passages:

Childhood on the mean streets of Queens wasn't like those perfect happy families you see on TV. Shit was arduous.

I hated school. I realized early on the only math I needed was calculating how to cut my coke. (You use the quadratic formula.)

Mom was dead. Oy vey.

Life in the hood. If a drive-by doesn't kill you, the ennui will.

I used to roll my eyes when Grandaddy would recount his favorite sonnets from memory. Only now do I realize it's where I picked up the meter employed on my Ja Rule dis track "I Smell Pussy."

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:539238"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.19c29f6cbe90a962b0fb5b240378dd2b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-23 15:44:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:539238">Jarrett Grode</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 49 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Publisher's Notes - "Shake Ya Body: The Story of Chesty Cathy" by Tyra Banks

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 23:22:45 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> From the Desk of Matthew Q. Stevenson
Triumph Publishing Company
Children’s Book Department

January 31, 2007

Dear Tyra,

On behalf of the Triumph Publishing Company’s Children’s Department, it’s my pleasure to declare our adoration for Shake Ya Body: The Story of Chesty Cathy. You’ve really captured the essence of blossoming; the creative product is an inspiring, heart-felt tale about life, love, and reaching one’s personal goals despite cup size. I have very few notes to offer your sure-to-be-instant classic. I hope you find them worthwhile, but please do not allow them to hinder your creative prowess.

• On page 2, when Cathy goes to school, I think you might consider adding further description about the size and magnitude of Cathy’s breasts. “Chocolate mounds, like those mounds that pitchers throw from in a baseball game, poured out her black Victoria’s Secret Ipex bra and lifted her shirt, exposing her midriff” could really be expanded upon. For instance, you might want to describe the size and shape of her nipples, and clarify whether they were sharp enough to pop school bus tires.

• During the flashback sequence, when Cathy falls asleep and nearly asphyxiates under her weight of her enormous breasts, would it make more sense if her boobs were actually bigger in the past?

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315381"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.7da7a9b9793bb337e513e1baf4e833b8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315381">Adam Bulizak</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:410"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Series of Emails from Britney Spears' Ghostwriter Concerning Her Upcoming Book

Fri, 04 May 2007 17:02:03 -0400

Dear Ms. Spears,
��
I just finished speaking with your literary agent, and I am very excited to assist you with writing your tell-all! I’ve been a fan for many years and I keep up with you in the papers, so I sympathize with the way you’ve been treated by the media and your husband. As an experienced ghostwriter, I can tell you that we should have no problems developing your own “style” that will seem completely original.

It’s sometimes very important to have a professional around to guide things along and keep them clean and crisp. George Carlin decided to go it alone, and look at his awful excuse for a book! Seriously though, I think that you and I could create a wonderful and exciting book together. I’ll get started right away, since I have most of the resources at hand, then I’ll send you a rough draft of what I have. Feel free to make adjustments and suggestions at will, it’s your story!

Thank You,

David M. Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,
��
Just a short note to tell you that I just received your first edit of the manuscript today. I’ll be going over it with a fine-tooth comb very soon. I’m very curious to see what changes you have made!

�

Thanks,

DM Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
I’m kind of at a loss of words right now. After having read your editorial suggestions, I find it hard to believe that this came from you. Perhaps you were in a hurry, but so far I’ve counted seventy-eight misspellings of “Britney”, and a sentence constructed entirely of the word "princess" written nine times. Also, one thing we should talk about is how many times you use the phrase "ya'll." I mean, you're not Tom Wolfe- LOL. Oh also, I looked into it, there is no font face that will dot an “i” with a heart or smiley-face. Sorry!

One more thing, I apologize but I refuse, owing to my ethics and personal beliefs, to call anyone a “doody-head” in publication. Especially Justin Timberlake, who, while small and lithe, is known for his propensity for drunken violence.

I will revise my first draft and send it along once completed. In the meantime, I suggest you peruse the following books: Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, the Modern Language Association’s Style Handbook, and possibly Where the Sidewalk Ends for an idea of how to properly construct childish poems.

�

Sincerely,

David Gallagher

�

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
I received your second edit of the manuscript today. If you have waited for very long for me to write this letter, I apologize. After spending hundreds of hours on each revision, and then having them sent back slashed and gouged with crayons and marked with symbols which I assume are words, I have taken to drowning my sorrows in alcohol. It had been twelve years since I had a drop, twelve long years, and in a day I was drunk again. This must be how Hemingway felt toward the end, desolate, alone, angry at the world. And now I'm comparing myself to Hemmingway, I must be drunk.

I thought for a moment that you were joking about Tom Wolfe. I thought surely they taught you literature in the swampy schools of Louisiana, but I must have been mistaken. Tom Wolfe has never in any way been associated with Star magazine. Or Sesame Street. To say that makes me, an author of far less literary prowess than he, want to crawl under something and die. This is the final revision of your book that I will write. Please do not force me to read another. My heart cannot take it.

�

D Gallagher

Dear Ms. Spears,

��
This is Harlan Adams, executor of Mr. Gallagher’s estate. As you know, Mr. Gallagher was in the midst of helping you with your tell-all book. Since there is no way he can finish the book now, you do not have to compensate him for the completed project. However, the hours he did bill you before his demise should be made payable to his wife, who is going to be raising David's three children.

�

Thank You and Good Day,

Harlan S. Adams, Esq.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/a/collegehumor.8e691ad99aa3d67649e2498a454a1c6a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:772140">K W Schroeder</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />